Made it through the holidays. I do not know which was harder, Christmas 4 day weekend with lots of people around, or the New Year 4 day weekend with almost no one around. Didn't do much, aside from a family visit with my siblings I reunited with after 20 years, last summer. I have only seen one of them somewhat regularly, and the others only once, so it was weird, and awkward. I was in a house with 40 people, and never felt so lonely. My W was a source of strength when dad died, and during the awkward reuniting process, and I had to do it alone this time. I stayed as late as I could stand to, but I still carry those feeling I felt as an 11 or 12 year old boy who felt abandoned so long ago. At 34 I feel like I should be stronger than this, but my life has been one cycle of abandonment after another.
Dad left when I was 12, and I had to choose between him and his side of my family. Because he was making the effort I chose him, but I resented him for making me choose until he died. I resented them for waiting 15 years to reach out, and he made me choose again, and again I chose him, and my resentment grew and he and I lost our relationship. Right at the end before he died, he buried the hatchet with his kids, and I was "allowed" to see them again and still see him for the last couple months of his life.
Mom's family started dropping like flies about 10 years ago. Mom, cousin, aunts and uncles, all dead in my twenties. I have 2 aunts left. One is a nun for almost 70 years, and does not like me, and the other lives very far away. What remaining family I do have dislikes me because I wouldn't take in my brother (the one I grew up with at home) when he got out of jail 5 or so years ago, when the W and I were going through our fertility issues and never being able to have children. I couldn't have that poison in my life, and he is 10 years older than me, and a child. They all resent me, and not his W who left him in the dust when she had a lot to do with his incarceration.
Just trying to figure out how to reunite with my dad's side of the family, when so much time has passed. They aren't super close knit. Last year they didn't even see each other at the holidays, this year they all got together twice. I am just not sure about all of it, but I am keeping an open mind.
On the friends side of things, people are just too busy with their own families. Last night our normal Sunday night supper club get together, no one answered my calls/texts, and no one showed up to eat the big meal I cooked. I didn't even eat it, I put it in the fridge bummed out. Most of the group are just unreliable people that wake up, work, drink, sleep. Two of the people, a married couple, had an excuse as her father had a heart attack. Turns out, the rest of them were at one of the other couple's apartment, doing the same thing we normally do, and I got completely ignored. (there is a mix of singles and couples, so it isn't that).
Really crap weekend. Just glad the holidays are finally done.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Coaching session #2 went really well. It helped me look inside, and I left with a great positive frame of mind. It lasted for about an hour and I felt absolute dread again. Went back up and down that roller coaster all day yesterday.
Today's workout was OK, but not great, my vertigo is acting up pretty badly, and I am extremely sad.
Going to take a walk, get some breakfast and try to start my day again.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
Anyone have any additional reading suggestions? Reading is something I have always hated doing, but I am finding it peaceful and relaxing when I am down during this process. I read Divorce Remedy twice in a week a couple weeks ago. Then per my DB coach, I read The 5 Love Languages and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work in the last two weeks.
TV, video games, and phone calls aren't helping. Youtube videos only get me so far, and it seems like I have watched most of the good ones (I think just about every one of MWD's youtube videos), and I am bored out of my mind most nights. Most of my friends are either too busy with their families, or the ones who don't have families only sleep, work, drink, repeat.
Someone mentioned The War Room as a good movie to watch about family relationships.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Today has been a little better. I feel a bit more positive, had a good workout at the gym, although I am feeling a cold coming on and am having a hard time breathing.
I have my third therapy appointment tonight.
Today was the cutoff date for the W to use my free benefit to get her individual therapy visits paid for by my company. This frustrates me because although our financial issues are far from our biggest problem this isn't a rare thing that she would spend money and excessively waste, or spend money and not use something, or leave something free on the table and opt for the really expensive option instead.
I realize I have to let that go, but now we will end up paying $1000-$1500 for her first ten sessions, instead of getting them for free. That is frustrating, and my criticism of her is one of our most damaging issues, so I have to eat this one unfortunately. Ultimately my marriage is worth losing that amount of money, but it is a perpetual problem.
Last edited by mbebos; 01/06/1601:45 PM.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Update after my last post. Rather than sit and be angry about the possibility of her not calling for the free counseling visits, I sent a gentle reminder. She had not called yet, and appreciated the reminder, and not only called for the authorization, called to setup with an individual therapist. She even did a few followup calls yesterday to close out the whole process. She went a week without calling me, and in the last 24 hours has called me several times.
Now on to the other part. My DB coach and I discussed some event tickets we had purchased for the W's birthday back in September. The event is in a few weeks. The coach felt as though asking about the status of these tickets wouldn't be pursuing, and said to go ahead and ask. So I sent a message to her a couple days ago, and she finally responded. She said no, that she wasn't comfortable going just the two of us. Even though I thought I was mentally prepared for this, it absolutely destroyed me. Part of it is the fact we have been together 15 years and she is now not comfortable being alone with me, and part of it is that this is the last thing after Christmas eve that we would see each other in person. I had a massive panic attack and had to leave work. I had a horrible afternoon, but I went to my therapy appointment and had a good session. The therapist wasn't overly concerned with the W rejecting my offer and her not feeling comfortable.
Anyway, the wife offered the tickets back to me, and per the DB coach I declined and said that I wanted her to have the tickets and to have a nice time. The W called me later on last night, and again this morning, both times for really no reason. Everything she needed could have been answered in short direct text messages, but she called. I almost felt like it was to gauge my sincerity, or she couldn't believe I didn't react differently.
Last edited by mbebos; 01/07/1612:21 PM.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Really struggling these last few days. Mentally I am really really down. The last week has been so lonely. Friends are all back to normal busy schedules with their kids, and the others are back to their normal work, drink, sleep routines.
Staying busy has been a real challenge. Staying positive even more so.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Have you read all of the homework? Okay, then how about........
No Mr. Nice Guy (free download), and Codependent No More
Thank you for sharing about your family and upbringing. I can see why you could have abandonment issues. I cannot tell you that I've been in your shoes, but I will tell you this, FWIW, and hope it doesn't sound too cliche. Relatives do not necessarily make a family, and a family is not necessarily relatives. I think the definition of a family should be those who are bound together by love.
I do know that feeling of being in a crowd and feeling lonely. I also think that feeling alone causes one to see others as being too busy with their own families to have time for any "single" person. (Although, it's true that people are really busy with young families). I am not just referring to you, but others I have seen trying to adjust when they find themselves alone for the first time.
We are pulling for you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W was a source of strength when dad died, and during the awkward reuniting process, and I had to do it alone this time. I stayed as late as I could stand to, but I still carry those feeling I felt as an 11 or 12 year old boy who felt abandoned so long ago. At 34 I feel like I should be stronger than this, but my life has been one cycle of abandonment after another.
I had a strong fear of abandonment. I didn't know where it came from. I didn't really feel like I had ever been abandoned necessarily.
When I talked about this to IC we spoke a little bit about my childhood (although we normally don't go into history). There were some really hard years while I was 12+. During this time I remember making the decision to not feel my feelings. I read the book 'Dune', and there were mentats that were like walking computers. Kind of like Spock in Star Trek. And I thought that would be a better way to live. So I started convincing myself that feelings were just 'interesting', and nothing that really mattered to me. Hard to explain unless you have been through it. IC calls it 'dissociation', where we disconnect severely from our feelings.
How does this tie to fear of abandonment? Well, it turns out I was abandoned. See, from the time I was 12 I didn't acknowledge myself. I didn't hear the voice of my own feelings. I just took that hurt and scared child and stuffed him into a closet. When he whimpered or cried for help I turned up the radio and pretended he wasn't there. This lasted over 20 years. So what happened to cause this fear of abandonment? I abandoned myself.
Because of that I was always looking for someone else to care-take my feelings for me, and I was always terrified that they'd leave me alone. This lead to several things. Massive co-dependency issues where I'd try to control my partner's behavior to get what I 'needed'. Excessive and impossible demands that made my partner feel insufficient and continuously criticized. And counter-intuitively enough instead of being on my best behavior for fear of being abandoned, I seemed to be on my worst, as if trying to act out so as to assure myself that if she didn't leave me now she never would (like testing the strength of the relationship for reassurance continuously...not good). It also led to me continuing to avoid my emotions by overachieving, I would set goals and charge for them, because when I was 100% focused on what was in front of me I didn't feel my pain, so I turned my pain into motivation and would practice pool for hours, work overtime, just do whatever to keep busy, and show my 'worldly success' as proof that I was a good guy. Although I always felt insufficient because I knew I was a bottomless pit and something was wrong.
Since I realized this post BD I have been there to take care of myself. Every time I hurt I spend a minute picturing my feelings as a small 12 year old me in a closet, and I make sure to welcome him out, be with him, hug him, assure him it will be ok, and most of all promise I won't abandon him again, and prove it by giving myself the type of nurturing I was always craving from my XW.
Not sure if any of that sounds familiar, take what helps and keep doing your own searching for answers.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
