As I stayed home more often, H began hanging with his new friends for longer and longer, as well as more frequently. I was fine staying at home and letting him go alone. I've always trusted H. He was a fine, upstanding man, a father of five and devoted husband. I didn't understand why he liked them, but it was obvious he did, so I just chose to let him go play with his friends, rather than cause a fuss about it.
We were shopping for a home this July! I made one comment about the location of the house, "Either you'll be miserable, or I'll be miserable." I was referring to the distance the house I really liked was away from his buddies. I was anticipating he'd be spending all his time driving across town to go see them, and I was irritated about it. H's version of all this, is that comment is what sealed the deal. So, he started thinking about it, and realized we have no common goals, I don't spend time with him, and we needed to D.
As I said, I disagreed, violently. I started looking for help online, and fortunately stumbled onto this site, as well as the MLC site run by Heartsblessing. Both these sites kept me sane! I calmed down, and started implementing changes. He did notice, because I stopped for a period when I had a bad fibro flare-up, and he commented that I'd been doing better before sliding back downhill.
I began to get a sneaking suspicion he was seeing someone. My intuition was screaming at me. We had a giant blow-up, and the truth came out. Not to my credit, I promptly informed all of my adult children of the situation. The main reason is because I was hurt - but also because he had denied, over and over and over, that there was anyone else. He blamed the demise of the marriage on me to every one of the children. I bitterly resented that, because they were mad at me! "Why couldn't you make the few changes Dad asked for, Mom?" I did! But when I would feel badly, which happens when you're chronically ill, I would backslide.
[Some very pertinent info on me: I suffer from several chronic illnesses, Congestive Heart Failure, Fibromyalgia, and Chronic Major Depressive Disorder, along with a host of smaller issues that usually accompany those things. This started around 2008. I was hospitalized for the 1st time with heart failure then. The depression was not new. I think it's inherited in my case, but my childhood was awful and traumatic...it left its' scars.]
H and I would talk infrequently about why he was unhappy, and I would make changes. At the same time, I would tell him what he was doing that was upsetting me, and he never made the smallest effort to implement any change - thus my lack of motivation to keep up my end of things.
After I told the children what was going on, all heck broke loose. H was beyond furious with me, saying that OW was NOT the reason he left, it was because I'm so awful. The kids had plenty to say to him about all his lies, and he felt the weight of his choices.
He eventually broke under the pressure and agreed to try MC before pursuing D. I wasn't thrilled, because I could tell his heart wasn't in it, but I was committed enough to my family to try, at least.
I have seen my formerly sweet H throw a tantrum like a two-year old...complete with kicking feet. "What did I do to deserve this?!?" was shouted at me when I informed him I would be seeking spousal support. I've been told I'm lazy, worthless, and not up to his standards. He's pretty much ripped me apart. I've "ruined his life", all he "wants is to be happy", and "I'm not in love with you."
He's become emotionally abusive to the point that he calls me names he used to apologize for saying at the beginning. He doesn't bother with apologies anymore. Foul, awful names. He stands over me, and threatens me with his sheer size to intimidate me into doing whatever it is he wants at the moment. All the money is his. I didn't help do a thing. I've been a burden, etc...
I've seen a look in his eye lately that absolutely terrifies me. I can see him fighting the urge not to hit me. He really, really wants to. This monster is not my H! I'm still struggling with the reality of what has happened.
