Here I am still

[trumpet]

Holding it against you is not showing Christ's love.

You holding it against him isn't showing Christ's love.

What did Jesus say to the Samaritan woman at the well?
He had authority to do so, and the woman asked who he was, and recognized his authority.
Your husband does not recognize you as an equal partner.

My suggestion to see someone to talk about the sitch still is a suggestion. And I think he has deteriorated to a point that someone else will probably need to get involved for his healing... but you need to focus on yourself right now.

[kyrie]

I can't tell him any of that. Over & over & over he has gotten angry and accused me of trying to be his pastor (which I am NOT) when I bring up his own planks. But that's just it - he's poking the planks in my eye and I'm poking the planks in his. I recognize it, apologize for it, "own" it, but yet I continue to DO it. UGH. It makes me just a hypocrit. Which again, I can freely agree that it valid.
He will not accept any responsibility nor any need for he himself to do ANYTHING. He keeps claiming that he's the one who has been SOOO loving, for the 12 years, on and on. I think deep down he knows that's BS but he still clings to his only shred of righteousness (self-righteousness), rather than giving it up to God alone.
Yes, he should know better. He preaches on it all the time. Physicians make the worst patients, you know?

[trumpet]

Matthew 18:15-17

That is your roadmap, in my opinion. Someone else needs to tell him.

Again, Kyrie, work on yourself. Take time to take walks, exercise, find a therapist, get some DB coaching, sleep, get meds if needed - anxiety, sleeping aids. Your mission is to take care of yourself for your family.

[ARose]

Kyrie, I too was trapped in a high conflict communication style with someone who is NEVER wrong. I stopped reacting. Not 100%, I still every 6-8 weeks have a blow up, but I am getting used to STFU. It is so hard and feels abusive sometimes, to just listen to attacks against me that are just so untrue. But I do notice that the longer I go without reacting the less he rages.

Still not in a good place, but much calmer. I know your H doesn't "let" you take the quiet way out. There has to be a way to break this cycle.

[kyrie]

I hear you Trumpet - here's the thing. I went to the Bishop (his boss!). The bishop essentially said, re: the affair, if there are no other witnesses to it, his hands are tied. It's my word against his, and that will not play out well in the church. I think he was basically trying to protect the church and also provide for H's potential innocence in it. He tried to counsel me but it wasn't much help in the bigger picture. You're right - someone *else* needs to get through to him - it cannot be me. But, it's all so dark & secretive, no one else *will*, and no one else knows that has any ability to help. He thinks he should be the only counselor in this arena already, even though he admits he doesnt' know what else to do & feels like he's already done it all (ugh).

I keep trying many ways to break the cycle!! I even identify it, but that doesn't seem to matter. He tells me over & over that I am not humble and accepting responsibility. I do - I don't know what I'm missing (though I'll admit the humility thing he has me there).
I've been at this for many months now. I keep failing and taking the bait. When I try to explicate myself from it, he chases after and rages that I'm controlling the sitch by not facing his raging (his idea of communication) and therefore I'm a terrible communicator, terrible wife and always usurping control.

[trumpet]

If the Bishop doesn't want to deal with the situation, that's unfortunate and sad.

What have you done today for yourself?

I know a marriage takes two, but it's an equal share. Your husband is not cherishing you - as is commanded by God. Does he treat you like Christ treated the church? If not, he's guilty (and we all are - we all make mistakes, and big ones, too).

I'm a man, a flawed man, who didn't cherish his wife during his marriage. My wife, a flawed woman, didn't respect me, or feel a need to work on meeting my emotional and physical needs. My non-cherishment (is that a word???) led me to not fulfill my wife's emotional and physical needs.

It's just a huge negative feedback loop. Break the cycle. Work on yourself, and find strategies and mechanisms to not affect, or be affected, by your husband's words.

[Cristy]

Kyrie,

I just sent you an email. Are you able to talk on the phone? If so, call me at the office 303-444-7004.

Cristy


Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[kyrie]

Got it - thanks. I have a few more questions but I replied directly. Thanks much Cristy.

[kyrie]

Yes, I recognize it's all a terrible loop. I keep trying to break free.
It is unfortunate about the bishop (another flawed human being), but I can see his perspective too, for the most part.
Today I have decided to call about a coach.

[trumpet]

You made a decision - that is awesome!

Really, the first step is the hardest.

I remember sending in the email to the christian counseling center, telling them I need help. It was probably one of the hardest emails I have ever written.

I am now *counts the days on the calendar* 68 days porn free. No masturbation, either. To me, I have learned to cope with life, and with my marriage blowing up, without the need for a crutch, besides my usual SSRI (lexapro). Small dose, and keeps me from having anxiety in real life, and actually helps the urges. Maybe someday I'll be able to get off of it - for now, I'm happy to be on it.

Your husband can do it... he has to want to do it.
I was told to stop dozens of times. It took my wife starting up an affair to scare me to stop. I'm living with the after-effects, but I am thankful that the addiction is done with.

You can do this, Kyrie. get a plan with the coach, and take action.