I'm so happy to hear you're getting the books, Tyler. Have you already read DR? That one is pure gold for me. I reread it once a week, to help keep me focused.
At this point, it's less about H and more about me. It needs to be for the time-being. Like you, I took a good look at how I acted and behaved during the M, and I saw several areas that could use improvement. Not to make H happy, but because I had literally lost who I was in the R. Not good for either of us.
All the reading I've done, sharing posts, and getting advice here has just been golden for me. I'm starting to see outside my sheer terror, and am making plans to move forward. I wish the same for you.
The biggest thing to keep in mind? It all takes time. Way more time than you want it to - but that very same time gives you an opportunity like you've never had before to really work on yourself exclusively. It is a gift, although it is so hard to frame it that way in the midst of the pain. You'll get there.
