Reminder, yesterday my XW told me she believed 'divorce is the ultimate sin'. Um. But here we are. Divorced. And she was hurt that I felt it was her choice. Well? She chose to get divorced. And it is the ultimate sin. She can choose a divorce, but she doesn't get to pass herself as if she belongs in the herd of people that don't believe in divorce. I wrote my long post on the idea that people saying "I don't believe in divorce BUT" are actually saying the do believe in divorce, and are just ashamed and unaccountable.
Likewise, there is a lot of BUTs going on with sex. Fo, I recognize that women live in SSM's too and are often the higher drive spouse. For the moment, though, I would like to address all the women with men that left marriages citing lack of sex. Here we go:
If sex is conditional, it won't happen. That's it. There will always be a reason it isn't happening. Where are the women talking about how sex was conditional upon their husband's behavior, and it always happened? No. It either happens no matter what, or it doesn't happen. Or it happens intermittently, and the dry spells and resentment at having to try to constantly measure up to someone else's standards or endure horribly painful stretches of neglect are too much to bear.
Each of you are talking about things H could've done that would've helped made it easier to meet his needs. OK, great. All true. We could write book after book on the subject. In fact, there are books out there, on how to be a good husband to your wife. The problem is while you are discussing what you'd write in your good husband book, and discussing how he could've made it easier, the fact is that somehow none of these men were able to live up to whatever standard was required once sex was made conditional. That includes me. You guys are throwing stuff around like 'if he only bought me flowers' or 'if he only kissed my neck', and act like it was easy for a guy to live up to all of your standards and get what he needed. But the truth is none of them could, and maybe they stopped trying because the very model that they should have to jump through your hoops to be taken care of was so hurtful the only defense they had was to no longer want your love.
The question is when you have a husband that isn't doing what you consider 'a good job', do you use that as justification to not meet his needs? Or do you focus on doing a good job as a wife and leading by example of what it means to be a good spouse?
I would recommend women thinking of sex to husbands along the lines of food to children. Who among you would not feed your children for days at a time and then go on a parental board and post about how there are things they could do that would have made you in the mood to make them a meal? Doesn't that sound INSANE?
Before you tell me I'm going to extremes, let me just explain that I feel looking at it this way will flat out help you understand your H's better, and will help you save your marriage or prevent reruns of this disaster in your next lifetime.
Yes, all of this holds true to a husband's responsibility to his wife. It isn't fair. It isn't easy. But in the end I think we have to lose the role of evaluating our spouses and leave that to God, and instead try to serve our spouses, find joy in fulfilling them and God's wishes, and have faith that at some point you fill find joy in that road, either by having your own needs fulfilled when you expect it least, or by finding a deeper meaning in making a marriage work instead of by critiquing your partner, driving them away, and turning a lifelong commitment into a series of flings with whom the flavor of the decade never is good enough.
Last edited by Zues126; 01/05/1603:31 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
