This is fascinating to read, because I think my H could have written something very similar, and I think I have shared your XW's feelings. In our case, H developed resentment and got involved with OW, but he says he tried for years. I expressed unhappiness to H for years, and spelled out what I needed from him to give him what he needed from me, but nothing changed - but I wasn't leaving or cheating on him, that's not my way.
Zues, I wonder about what exactly you tried? If she reacted like me, the anger was frustration over what she saw as unwillingness from your side to give her what she needed.
I think very few women work silently, by themselves on resolving relationship issues. Silence from a woman is rarely a good thing...
I think many men feel that they courted a woman, then married her, and that should prove their love once and for all. My H will say he is simple to please, but he expects me to want to fulfill his needs without doing anything to fulfill mine. He feels that because he is attracted to me on sight, I should be to him. I feel that he puts the cart before the horse in how things should happen. And I feel that he can get what he wants so easily, if he would only invest a little effort in courting me on an ongoing basis. I don't think he feels he should have to. That is frustrating, because I see his pride and ego get in the way of his and our happiness.
And from everything I read, this is exceedingly common. Which is so sad!
I have been following this conversation with great interest as this is the same boat my H and I were in. I know now that my H was in great pain because the lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage and for that I am truly remorseful. I am so sorry that I caused him so much hurt. I know he thinks that my lack of desire meant that I did not love him or was not in love with him, but that was not the case at all. My mistake was not working harder to figure out why my desire disappeared and find solutions. I think with work, cleaning, cooking, and every day life it is so easy for me to just put this aspect of our M on the back burner and say that you will get to it. Well, I never got to it. I guess my H is right in that sex was just was not important to me and because if that we are not compatible and should not be M. It is definitely not my top love language, but that can't be an excuse.
I actually thought my lack of interest in sex was a medical issue, but my doctor was absolutely no help. I even remember thinking not long before BD that I needed to figure it out or else H was going to find it elsewhere. Little did I know that he already had. What I learned after BD is that this has been bothering H for years, even when I felt our sex life was going well. H admitted to having conversations with coworkers for years. He never once had a conversation with me about what he was feeling or what his needs were in this regard. He would just make vague and almost joking comments about how the spark was gone. I now think it was a mix of a lot if things. Not feeling a priority to H, lack of non-physical affection, constant tiredness, work stress, depression, weight gain, often feeling like my H mother instead of his wife, general disconnection, etc. The list can go on and on. My point is I am not sure there is just one cause, but a lot of factors that can lead to a SSM. Zeus, part of me wishes my H would have talked to me like you did your wife, but then I think maybe I still would not have taken it serious. I obviously knew it was a problem without H speaking to me and did nothing. I guess it was just laziness!? Since BD and being on here, I have learned so much about this topic that would have helped. Unfortunately, it is likely too late for my M with H, but I plan to take this knowledge into my next R. I do think as with everything in an M, it is a two way street and it takes two people to have a strong sex life. Going outside if M or having conversations with coworkers are not helping the situation. Clearly my H felt he could not talk to me, so there are things I can do to make sure that I am approachable for these types of conversations. Any thoughts on this aspect??
I will say that Like Painter, I did express to H in detail what my needs were and his only response was that he was not good at being romantic and was not good at those things. He did not follow through either. When it comes down to it, I just wanted him to make me feel special like when we first go together. I realize he needed his needs met to do thise things. Just one big crazy communication/crossed wires issue.
I do think there is a misconception that lack of interest in sex is perceived as a power trip or us intentionally with held. I can see why it might be perceived this way, but by no means was my lack of interest in sex ever premeditated or intentional. I think that is the case with mist women. I am sure there are some that use it as a weapon.
Anyway, not sure I have really contributed to the conversation, but did want to chime in.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
