Hi mutatio, Dropping by and just catching up with your current thread. I can be quite short with kid too. I have improved a lot but when I am feeling rushed and tired, that's when I become as cranky as kid. So, don't be too hard on yourself.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Nice work mut! Now you know you can choose to take a short break whenever the mood strikes you. Just say, "For the next hour, I dont love her." Love is a decision and you can decide to completely love her again any time you want. You dont have to make any permanent decisions.
Excellent that you did not turn to anger and resentment! Keep a weary eye out for those because they kill you and they dont touch her, ever.
The next step is to find an obsession to 'love' when you are choosing not to love her. I cannot erase love, I need to feel love. Love for my children does not count. I cant possibly love them any more or any less. When I remove my love from jerkface, I place it on something else temporarily. It also makes me feel more in control. I can choose what to do in any given second.
Unless I am angry... But I am working on that.
Keep it up and she will have no power to crush you with a word or anything else. I know that sounds bad. You are SUPPOSED to love your W so much that her words can crush. Right? Isn't that the way we were raised? Isn't that true love? NO! There is no way true love means we give up ourselves. Would you love it if your wife turned to you to see if she was happy or sad? Kinda pathetic if you think about it. We need to remember that on these boards.
It is so much harder on you because you live with her. Just keep chipping away at your small victories!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mutatio, I think you can drop the rope at the same time as cutting your codependency. Its all really the same thing. Its just a matter of finding the right way to let go that works for you. Maybe its Mona's exercise of "choosing not to love her for an hour", maybe its re-reading the book, whatever it is, it is a process and I don't think you need to wait on achieving some level of emotional health before doing it, just do it. For me I think it was a series of disturbing encounters with H that just really opened my eyes to the fact that "I can NOT go there with him." I am sure I am still codependent but dropping the rope is helping with that too. Its all part of the same thing. And I am sure I will have some relapses, already did on Christmas. Next time I am having a rough day emotionally I will try Mona's exercise.
Jelly, thank you I think I will buy her book today wheni get home. After that I'll get Beaties book, I have "Co no more"
PigPen, thanks for the thought, I think I will keep busy with my passions, design, create or build. I will use my pain and suffering to make art.
Ancaire, thank you for the list, it's a good way to get out of this hole.
Grlonfr, come by and make yourself at home anytime. Your support helps, the problem with the yelling was that it was a reminder of the past. That's what was so unfortunate about it.
Mona, it really helped. I now have a new tool in my toolbox. I now have a way to stop it. Thank you very much.
Fo, I think your right. These things can be done in parallel, not in series. Thank you for supporting me during this down moment.
I love you all my dear friends, words cannot express what you continue to do for me. I am a very lucky man to have you as friends. Be well, be strong
Thing is ... during this really sensiteve timeline the WAS can and will look for any chink in the armour, any one mistep ... heck even in the reconnecting and reconciliation I have heard "See this is why I can not be with you" .... they are still not sure, have their doubts and fail to realize no M is perfect in every aspect, nor is being a parent ... thing is you jumped in and stopped the spat .. right or wrong you took action ... I would focus more on the after math, you spun a bit desperately seeking W's approval ... thats pursuit in the definition of the word right? As a man, you took charge, that was a good move only undermined by you seeking her approval. REading your latest posts you are to tied up in what she thinks about you ... I get it .. but you need to build up your self confidence and self esteem at this level, follow me?
You are right about dropping the rope on the M, you can not control that at this moment and she is not all in, nor will she be, you can not do all the work when it gets to that point ... and right now you are pulling up the slack on both ends ... detach a bit, be your own man .... might be a good time to 180 and see if something else works or sparks movement, but do so detached and look at it like a science project, not as a pursuing LBS.
Mu, you will be ok. I don't think you were out of line in stopping the fight. It may not have been the way W would handle it, but she chose to not handle it. So don't worry about her passing judgement. That is up to the higher power.
Detaching. We both need to get more of that!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
dday, thanks for the support, it feels good to know that although my actions weren't perfect I am not bad parent.
Caliguy, thank you for stopping by. I try to read your posts where ever I find them. I find truth and wisdom in your words.
"you need to build up your self confidence and self esteem at this level, follow me?"
I agree 100%. I have struggled with this for very long time but it really got bad after my wifes 2008 EA/PA. I will focus on building both of these to a healthy level.
"detach a bit, be your own man .... might be a good time to 180 and see if something else works or sparks movement, but do so detached and look at it like a science project, not as a pursuing LBS."
I like that approach. Ancaire had me do an attitude experiment yesterday and it worked. The whole lab experiment thing seems easy to manage does not need to much forethought.
Caliguy please drop by and tell when I need a tuneup. If I remember correctly your a car guy too. dday is a car guy also and is about to start a nice project but that's his story.
Elly, I just ordered it. I had to get paperback version because there is no e book. Elly, 15 months you've walked this walk, I'm sorry your living like this. I hope this new book gives me some new insight be I could use it. Be well
Well, I dont really have any words of wisdom today. Just popping by to say I am thinking of you and to hope that today you can be very very nice to yourself. You are way more amazing than you think you are.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
