Fear. This post resonates with me all the way from my head to my toes.
My H is classic MLC. His mother died 3 years ago, and he started changing nearly instantly. He drew further and further away from me, and I got more and more depressed and attempted to control him via sarcasm and threats. His new friends? Losers, all of them. Drunks and women chasers.
In August he BD'd me. I was blindsided. I was also struck with terror. I'm sick, seriously. I've got several health concerns, including heart failure, fibromyalgia, chronic major depression, etc... How was I going to survive? How could he do this to me? I panicked and freaked out.
Fortunately, I learned about MLC as well as DB, and eventually calmed down, but not before I did so much damage it's going to take years to recover from. I'm finally okay with that. I have become someone I don't even recognize. I've gained far too much weight (for really bad reasons), I've learned to become totally dependent, I don't take care of myself, and I'm not even the same person I was when we married 21 years ago.
I'm not going to get it together before the D is final. He's really pushing me hard on this...almost in a panic to get it done. But finally, finally I've reached a point of acceptance and understanding.
Honestly, it is time I did nothing except work on myself. I need to become the confident self-sufficient woman I used to be. Even I don't much care for this despondent, clinging present reality. It's time to make my health a priority. I could live close to a normal life if I ever got serious about it. I have so very much to work on, I really don't have time to worry about H and his mess.
What was holding me back from accepting this? Fear. How would I survive? Where was I going to get insurance? How am I going to pay for medicines? How can I work with all the physical problems I have? Where am I going to live? It just goes on and on and on...
I believe there is a way. I believe now that I've come to certain realizations, doors are going to open for me. I proclaim myself a woman of faith - yet where was that faith when I was letting fear cripple me?
My M has been bad ever since H started the slide into MLC. He's verbally abusive, critical, and downright mean. I need to be nowhere near him as long as he is holding me responsible for "ruining his life". He just wants to be "happy". Pretty classic script, right? Except hanging on to him like I was doing was causing great harm to us both.
Without question, fear held me in place unable to move on. Finally, thankfully, I'm putting that fear aside. I'm learning what I need to do to care for myself, without his help. Doing that will be good for us both. I don't know where this road will lead. I'm just determined that for now, it's all about me. In a good way. Learning to care for myself. Finding that happy woman again. Regaining my sense of humor. Smiling morning through night. I used to be known for my smile. Now it feels so foreign when I attempt it.
Will H ever return? I hope so. But for now...he's not part of my life. He can't be, because his abuse harms me physically - he's not hitting me - it's just my heart goes haywire when he's shouting at me and calling me names. I will love the old H forever, but I accept he's gone for now while this new person is off seeking happiness in all the wrong places.
It kills me, yes. I'm glad I have an understanding, though. It allows me some compassion. I need to be strong, really strong, because if H ever snaps out of it, he's going to need so much more than I could even begin to give him right now...things like acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, and trust.
I've got a lot of work to do. It really helps to focus where to start understanding that most of all my bad feelings are based in fear.
