GB/Trumpet- W acknowledges she shouldn't have snooped - but I was the dumbo that left the journal on my bed - such a stupid thing to do.
It doesn't matter now, as Zeus says, I am detaching and it feels good.
I feel calmer inside - I'm reading the love languages for Children book and will love my kids more than ever.
As regards GAL - last night a 5k, tonight a meal and drink with an old friend- he is having marriage problems - Mainly fights with his W - I think I can give him some rock solid advice!. Wednesday I will be cycling with friends - 2 hours. Then more cycling at the weekend with the cycling club.
Last night was ok with W.
Importantly no R talk. She initiated conversation. No resentment or spew. She brought me some Xmas cake from a friends house - she can't eat it as it contains wheat. She cooked my meal. She asked about my IC session. Later she asked if I wanted to watch TV with her and sat next to me rather than across the room.
It sounds like I am not detached by listing her every interaction but I think it's how you feel inside - I feel better than for a long time - I had the best nights sleep for a month - 6 hours.
I think there will be no more R talk from her until after her Fathers funeral next week. I will endeavour not to give her cause for an R talk. She knows that to progress to divorce she has to make the next move.
The R talks at the weekend were caused by my snooping regardless of whether my snooping was justified or not. I intend not to give her reason for an R talk.
January is usually quiet socially so I will concentrate on exercise and DIY projects - small minimal cost projects. I will also reach out to my friends for support.
This morning W had a drama at work with her Hospital Dept flooded by overnight rain and failed pumps. She rang and texted me initially on another subject but quickly changed to her problems at work. - I listened and validated etc.
She did say 'I bet your happy I've another trauma to deal with in my life' in a funny haha kind of way.
In her head I have contributed to her 'trauma' in a big way - the big fight on her bday and the snooping - adding to her trauma of the death of her Father . Whatever!! I can't change they way she thinks and feels.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi Is...just caught up with all the happenings. You've gotten some good advice. I'm kind of in GB's camp. She helped herself to your journal. She had no business reading it, and even less being upset about what she found.
Personally, I think her grief and the strained M has her feeling on the edge of a cliff. She's lashing out because she's in pain. I wouldn't listen to a single word coming out of her mouth at the moment. She is hardly in any state of mind to be making permanent decisions.
I recognize the lashing, because I tend to do the same thing. If I hurt, I go on the defensive. It is one thing I am working hard to change. I'm learning to just accept the emotion, recognize it as an emotion, and calmly think my way through it. Your wife probably isn't even aware at this time that she does such a thing. I've had the benefit of being fired as a W to take a look at myself and see where I can improve.
So, for now. Nothing. You guys have got to get through the funeral. She has no business making decisions about anything until that's been accomplished. You just validate when necessary, give her plenty of space, and GAL. That's really all you can do for the moment. I suspect as the funeral nears, she will start lashing out again. She's in pain, and it's likely her coping mechanism. The trick for you is to keep your emotions out of it and just stay calm.
Anc - thanks for looking in - I know don't believe what they say etc, but it is hard now she has taken off her wedding ring, and put away two wedding photos of just us two.
She has never taken the photos down before and never taken both rings off, even in 2012.
My focus is on me and the kids. Through GAL and love. Detaching is easier if I think that I have been sacked and think of her as no more than a friend.
I am doing the LRT, and detaching.
A huge 180 would be to accept a separation, agree and plan it with her. Last time in 2012 our switch changed after I agreed to separation and looking at apartments. She pulled back from the brink.
This time round I think I am a well rounded individual who has done little wrong but try to love my wife as best as I can.
I need to regain the trust through my actions ( no snooping) and let time heal her a little while showing she would be a fool to leave me.
I will not enable her anymore as a glorified babysitter, or a glorified house husband. I will do what is right for me and the kids.
If I believe that there is no OM, I can detach more easily. I have no smoking gun or any real tangible evidence of OM. When she texted and received a phonecall all last night I just kept telling myself to ignore it, detach, it's not about her.
Tonight my gal is postponed until Thursday, so I will go to kids kickboxing class, go for a short bike ride, weather permitting, and research some projects for the home. I'm trying to set up the kids playroom with Xbox and TV. They are using there bday and Xmas to buy the stuff - it's what the kids want.
Also I intend to read with S8 before bed, a nice 180 for me
Last edited by isittoolate; 01/05/1611:14 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
That is a great plan, Is! Is your W a bit dramatic? I remember after her b-day, and that fight, she put the photos facedown to make her point. I suspect she's making it even more loudly this time. I did the same thing. H fired me as his wife, and I took our wedding pictures down and put them in his office, on the floor. I didn't want to have to look at them!
In my case, though, looking at them hurt. I was just reminded of all his lies every time I saw them. I figured he could look at them. He put them in a closet. LOL
You've got a good plan for now...just get through the funeral, and then see where you are. I don't know, Is...when I read your thread, I see cake-eating on her part a lot. She's really happy to take from you, while giving little in return. Something to think about later...
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
She reached out to tell me about her 'drama' at work in the morning - flooding.
She managed the crisis well and was praised in work by others - I validated and congratulated her.
The evening was ok as well. I did a one hour bike ride testing my new night lights
W told me of some details of the funeral and how she wished it was the 15th (day after funeral) - she will do a reading in church. I think she will breakdown during it.
I had more convos with an old friend at work re: the sitch and what has happened. It's good just to get it out. I also told a family friend (older lady) who is also a sitter for us - she was genuinely shocked and had no inkling of anything going on.
Apparently on 26th Dec family friend asked W to see the gifts I had bought W for Xmas and her birthday and was singing my praises to W saying 'You have a gem of a husband' - oh the irony!
I had a poor nights sleep - I seem to get one good night followed by a poor night.
The evenings are different after the kids are in bed. W still asks if I want to watch TV - but she doesn't change into her comfortable night clothes - she is staying dressed in her day clothes or gym gear with shoes on. I think she doesn't want me to ask her if she wants a shoulder rub/foot rub - I won't be asking her anyway.
Detach and GAL ...DETACH AND GAL. Tonight I have a two hour bike ride with some friends then I will play with the boys
Last edited by isittoolate; 01/06/1608:47 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi Isit, just bringing your queries over from Huddy's thread...
What is the timescale for filing for unreasonable behaviour - this could be done immediately, but the grounds have to be true and they could be contested by the other party - of course that get's expensive.
What are W's options if I dont move out? Well, I guess she could move out if she chose to. Equally, she could choose to file on UB grounds with you in the house I suppose.
She can move out and/or she can file for D (via unreasonable behaviour) or we live in limbo? or she can threaten D unless I move out?
Anything I'm missing? - I don't think so.
My options? Stay in limbo or separate (but the divorce timeline starts ticking)
I think that's about it Isit - I would certainly arrange a free L consultation though. I'm only posting from my own limited experience!
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yr H filed under UB back in Sept.... How is the process moved on if not contested....how long can one drag it out?
I guess my worry is under the worst case W will file under UB without warning and I want to know how long I could drag my feet by contesting or not contesting.
From reading it sounds like most divorces in UK are under UB and not contested.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hey Is, if your wife files, why would you drag your feet. I want you to really think about that question for a while. I don't even thing I want to hear the answer...I just want you to put it into thought for a while, OK?
We are all with you, I just want your motives to be truly thought through and for your sake, be what they need to be, that you ARE letting go of the outcome...the longer you try to HOLD ON TO THIS SO TIGHT, the faster she will want to get away. Does that make sense???
