Jpeg - H is guilty of classic deflection. He's unable to face up to his own reflection, so he's tossing it onto you. It's GOT to be your fault.
Has he completely forgotten about the kids walking in on him? Does he think they don't talk to one another? My H does the exact same thing. I was supposed to lie for him, I guess. He forgets that I don't lie. I believe people have to be responsible for their own choices and the fallout. He used to be behind me on this 100% back when we were raising children together.
The MLC WAS is all about themselves, remember that. They have done nothing wrong, in their eyes. They just want to be happy. We, the LBS, are expected to cover for them, lie for them, and be waiting with open arms for them any time they choose to share a crumb of attention with us. They get furious when we fail at any of those tasks. And, yes, they truly do believe the BS they are spouting.
When I confronted H about the fake Facebook page with OW (the one his friends made up to torment me) I told him one of his kids had seen it and told me about it. Who was he mad at? Me! He demanded to know how they knew to look for that name?!? I calmly responded that I told them. He was furious.
I'm not lying for him, covering up for him, or helping him continue in his sin in any way. I'm not throwing him under the bus, either. I've told the kids the bare bones of the situation. I've asked them to continue to pray for him. That's it. My children are adults, and don't need me to baby them - as a matter of fact, they resent it when I do.
I don't talk to them about the situation at all, unless they ask me something, and then I answer. In this way, I'm being true to the mother I've always been to them. I don't lie to my kids. I'm not going to start now to benefit a husband who is abandoning his family. I don't call him names. I don't trash him. I just answer questions factually.
Maybe this will help you? I know for sure how easy it is for H to push my buttons, because he's had a lifetime to get to know me. Your H is the same way. You did nothing wrong at Christmas. You did nothing wrong in telling your adult children the truth of the matter. I also know you well enough now to know you did not trash your H.
He's just throwing tantrums because his fantasy isn't working out the way he thought it would. That is all this is about. You just be the awesome woman you are. Just doing that alone, being true to yourself, will be plenty.
Ancaire. Thank you everything you said is so spot on. It is very hard for me to not respond to his texts. He is so selfish. I have never bad mouthed him to the kids. They have been the ones saying negative things about him, and for over a year I was defending him. Until " the big reveal" at that point I stopped defending him. The text S22 sent him last night was so clearly full of pain and hurt but all H could see was how it affected him. He texted me agin at 5 am asking if this is the R I want him to have with the kids because that is what I am fostering
You're fostering nothing...his own actions have generated the current R with the kids.
I wouldn't even answer, Jpeg. He's trying to fight with you so that he feels better about himself. If he gets you to respond and engage, he'll be able to push your buttons until you do something you regret.
You know the truth, so do the kids. H needs to talk to his children about it. Not you.
"He texted me agin at 5 am asking if this is the R I want him to have with the kids because that is what I am fostering"
This is delusional deflection. He can't face what he has done, he can't own his own $hit so what does he do, blame the victim. That's like blaming the rape victim because she wore a short dress. I'm sorry but I'm calling Bull$hit on that.
His relationship with his kids is his responsibility not yours. This is between the 2 adults in each relationship. If he doesn't like the situation he's in then he should change his behavior.
Jpeg, I think that Ancaire and Mutatio have you covered here, but I totally agree with going dark. If he has something important that he needs to talk to you about and is respectful, than fine, answer back...but ignore the poison.
Sorry you're going through this pain.
Elly
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
At the very least - turn off your phone from like 11pm to whenever you get up so that he can't upset you in the night trying to make you responsible for everything.
He's saying all that stuff because of the OW. It makes her feel bad. It's not apparent the kids won't ever like her and that's your fault. The OW is making your husband feel bad about it so he takes out his anger and frustration on you....because it makes the OW feel more secure in their relationship when he does that.
I just said this on another thread. You tell the truth. To him. To your kids. To anyone that asks. If he wants to lie, that's on him and his responsibility. Also, his relationship with his adult children is not yours to manage or control. That includes not lying to them on his behalf.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
When he blames you for his relationship with the kids just ignore it. He's still eyebrows deep in affair fog. Everything in his joke of a life will be your fault. He's convincing himself that he's justified in his actions because you're so "horrible". The reality is he's a selfish jackass behaving like an idiot man-child but as long as he's in affair fog he'll never see it. He might have an epiphany at some point and snap out of it. Was he generally a good person up until this point or has he shown at any time in his past that he can be cruel and sleep like a baby at night?
Why isn't there some sort of sunshine spray that would quickly dissipate the affair fog? Does anyone else (or does everyone else) have fantasies of all sorts of mayhem coming upon the OP? Over on my Rollercoaster thread tonight I wrote about screaming every vile word I could think of to describe the OW. While in my car.Driving. Felt great. Then I thought of how great it would feel to push her into the path of an oncoming train like that scene in House of Cards. Or peel off her face like a cadaver dissection. But before any of you start to worry about me, the only thing I'm actually fantasizing about is that carefully placed oopsie moment when you trip and your arm flings hot coffee in her face. Or pulling her hair. Then my twisted mind went to... wouldn't it be great if there was a website where you could just post pictures of all the homewreckers out there? I'll bet there is. Anyone else have any good revenge fantasies? Will I be censored off this page?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
