More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

Oh my goodness. After I don't know how many months XW and I just included a mention of the divorce in the text about the kids. I'm going to try to paraphrase instead of quote so a google search doesn't lead right here.

Basically it started with her being a little more friendly than normal, thanking me two different times for doing a 'good job' with the kids, and for being 'peaceful' to work with (although the way she said good job set herself up as being the judge of my parenting, and the way she mentioned being peaceful almost implied it was out of the ordinary for me). Anyway:

XW: Made a comment about how she missed the kids after 4 days, and that she now understands why I wanted 50/50, and that she's sorry I was hurt for not being able to see them.

ME: I responded that it must be Freaky Friday, because I was just thinking about how much she had done over the years for the children mostly on her own.

XW: She said she was sorry I felt the divorce was entirely her doing (at our court appointment she told social services the D was mutual, I corrected and said it was not). She said that she thought divorce was the 'ultimate' sin and that it hurt her that I said that. She went on to say we weren't meant to be together and that even if her life is hard because of the divorce it's worth it so the kids have a dad, because that only started after the split.

Me: I said there was no disputing the contributions I made to the breakdown of the marriage and an unendurable situation. I told her I understood D wasn't something she felt she chose, but rather the only option. Then I said that in any case I was grateful to have the chance to be a dad before it was too late.


For those that haven't followed my sitch, this is the most I've emotionally communicated with XW in literally 15 months. All of this time she has never once expressed any interest in what I think, what I believe, or what I am feeling. She didn't really ask, but even starting a dialog was unusual for us. I tried to balance validating without agreeing (on either the need or positive nature of the D) and without anything that would indicate pursuit. I think I did ok, and if not the only loss would be my personal goal of doing my best.

Anyway, this was a good reminder for me what you newcomers are going through. I will say I got a bit sad at reading this. The 'we weren't meant to be' was a hard piece of bait to not take by responding with stuff about how I didn't believe in that, yadda yadda. Whatever. Not my battle. It's clear she's going to cling to the narrative that D was her only choice, and that she is going to spin it to make it a sacrifice for the children because it proved to be for the best.

I just had to vent this here. You guys get it.

Funny. She still feels like my wife sometimes. When she said kind words (my love language...or second behind physical affection ) it touched me, and it reminded me how special what we once had was...

...and it's gone. Deep breath in, deep breath out, quick post on DB for support...I'm ok. It's all good baby. It's all good.

Thanks y'all!