WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

JGuy,

Thank you, buddy. Appreciate the words of support.

We grow through trials. People say God doesn't give you more than you can handle - that's a fallacy. He give you MORE than you can handle, to show you who's in charge, and so you can make the right changes in your life. I have to come back to the thought that this is a mid-course correction and changing of sails on my journey in life.

My addiction is still under control, and my anger is in check.

My achilles is getting better - will try some walking sessions by the end of this week. Getting some sports medicine therapy next week as well.

My health is good. My blood pressure is down. I've still kept the 25 lbs off. My kids are healthy, but shook up.

[Mowgli]

Trumpet,

You have to be there when she tells them so that she won't put the spin on it.
She's going to want you to tell them together, guaranteed. She'll want to do the whole "we don't love each other anymore, but we love you guys etc."

If that's not truly what you want, don't say that. Tell them that you don't want to divorce, that you still love their mother very much, but that this is what she wants and you love her enough to let her find her own path. All of that is true; They don't need to be lied to.

W needs to feel all of what she is doing, trumpet. She needs to feel that loss and she needs to understand that it's not all about her; there are so many other people involved.

She's lying to you and herself. Don't let her candy coat this for the kids to make herself feel better or to make you out to be the bad guy.

The other thing you need to realize is that regardless of your Addiction, nobody deserves to be treated this way, especially by someone that they love.

When you say "build on the ashes," you need to know what that means. It means not willing to go back to that M. Are you at that point?

If she's not willing or able to make the changes you need in order to be in R with you, are prepared to do your own thing?

No one deserves to be treated the way she's treating you, Trumpet. When people are telling you to move on, it's because they see that. That does't mean you throw in the "hope" towel, though.

Right now, from my perspective, it appears that she isn't willing to be that person for you. You can't control that, only your response to it.

My response was to focus on myself (GAL), my kids and my work. Let her figure out her own s--t.

If OM is really a freeloader with multiple As, she'll figure that out quickly. The school of hard knocks is a tough one to attend, but it teaches the lessons very well. When this R with OM burns out... and it will 100%...will you be ready to take her back?

I used to get frustrated when people would comment on what I wanted to do, what are my goals? Everyone here has the same answer initially: we all want our S to come back and be happily married again.

Is that where I'm headed? Right now I think so, in two months? two years? Seven years?

What if she had filed and left me high and dry, would I still be holding onto her seeing the light and coming back? Would I just sit there waiting like a chump?

The point I'm trying to make here is that yes, we all want the same thing, but it wasn't until I put my focus and goals on myself and my boys and not on the R that the end goal was even attainable.

Don't let yourself be mistreated and don't try to save a R not worth saving. If you truly want to "build on the ashes," you need to let this s--t burn to the ground around her.

You're doing what you need to do, keep doing that, but know that the pain gets worse until it gets better. You get to make the final call; you get to decide how much you can handle and when you are done. Remember that because that revelation was the turning point and the foundation on which you can build your "best self."

[trumpet]

Last night was me getting anxious about the M, and worrying about the kid's future. Getting my hope up when she meets with our pastor, and then the letdown when she comes home and says nothing, and looks like she's more confident of her affair sends me over the edge.

I really need to let her burn her s--t down.

And you're right, Mowgli, I don't deserve to be treated like this. I've not had my emotional or physical needs met by my wife for YEARS, and I thought that was my lot in life. It was for the kids, and to leave them something - getting out of debt, starting college accounts, building up the 401k, since my relationship wasn't all that good with my W. She was just seemingly angry all the time - my family now admits to me that they thought she always seemed pissed off... I said that was her normal attitude, at least when I was around!

I would need to see changes in her, BIG changes, to want to be with her. Letting go of the family dynamic is my achilles heal. The kids don't deserve a constantly angry mom, and a dad who is defeated from life, but they also don't deserve to have a split family.

[trumpet]

Something that I missed in all of this - my wife had a thyroidectomy early spring.

I passed on telling you all this, and now, after doing a little homework, might see something that would fit what is happening to my wife.

I can't change her, and I'm pretty much headed for the D, but some of me feels better knowing this might be medically related.

My wife had/has Grave's disease - autoimmune, made her thyroid produce WAY too much thyroid hormone, so it had to come out - the complete thyroidectomy happened in spring. She went hyper-thyridic, then now takes Synthroid and is hypo-thridic, (sorry, spelling is hard!)

Many accounts online show personality disorders after surgery, but since doc's look at T3/T4 levels, and if they're fine, they say 'good to go!'. Some women (Graves affects mostly women) report bad cases or anxiety, paranoia, and personality shifts - depression-related feelings.

Could my wife be affected by hormones that are no longer circulating in her body?

I know one person I work with had a wife go almost insane from pre-menopausal symptoms, to the point she was running out into the street, with the cops in tow, screaming that terrorists were going to get her family. She has since had her blood checked, they figured out the cause, and is now medicated, and doing well.

I really hate to make an excuse for my wife, but what IF this is really a matter of her levels?

I know she gets checked on T3/T4 about every 3 months, but that's it. My wife has been on SSRI's for years - so a history of anxiety and depression in her family.

This does make me feel better - that it might not really be her talking, but a condition that made her go buh-bye for the last 6 months.

I did send her links - she's so far gone after this morning, that I doubt she'll read them, but at least I put it out there for here to read.

I really am done with talking to her - I need to really detach now, no conversations, and have her figure things out herself. Waiting to get served this week will make me a little anxious, but I can't stop it from happening, so I must look to what I can control.

Mowgli, does you wife still have meds that she takes for a depression or other condition? Did it play a role in her waywardness?

Man, why didn't I put this into the mix 2 months ago? I guess my head was spinning too fast to think logically.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

You should tell the children on your own and explain the situation thoroughly (including your own problems with pornography).

Do not do this with your wayward wife. She will go nuts the second you try to tell the truth. She will want to start out by saying this is a joint decision and clearly you both love them thoroughly....which isn't true. If she loved her kids and realized the consequences that will befall them based upon these decisions she's making today, she'd never divorce you.

Your children are old enough to be given the truth about their lives. Tell them about your feelings and thoughts. Don't put words in your wife's mouth like "we both will always love you". Instead, you say "I will always love you and I will always tell you the truth". Your kids are probably a lot more wise about the situation than you think. 9/10 times the daughters already know it's going on and are in emotional turmoil about keeping the secret themselves. The other 1/10 times the kids think it's something they did and they are the cause of the problems and try to strategize a reconciliation themselves. Just tell them the truth. Mom has a boyfriend. Marriage is a relationship between two people and mom insists on keeping her boyfriend named _____________. (it's important to give them the full name of OM - it gives them the power to protect themselves emotionally and physically from a very potentially abusive person that played a key role in the destruction of your family. Then tell them about your sins. Do not claim innocence and/or perfection and that the children can be upset about sin but still need to respect their mother because she is the only mother they'll ever have AND because Jesus didn't shy away or disrespect sinners, instead he loved and counseled them to "sin no more".

Then...don't apologize to your wife for telling them the truth. There have been enough lies in your household for long enough. The path to resolve your addiction issues and become a better man in Christ is through transparency and accountability. Keeping her secrets and lies is no longer your priority - no longer healthy and no longer something she can ever expect of you.

She is free to then speak to the children and try to give her side of the story and bad mouth you but it''ll be dishonest and obvious to your kids.

[trumpet]

Georgia Bulldogs,

I am so grateful that you posted. God bless you!

I realize now that telling them before my wife tells them is probably the way to go. When the bomb dropped, I sat down with D14 and S12 and the Bible. Our church teaches the parents catechism, so I was already teaching them lessons, and brought up what adulterty is. I explained I loved their mom, but their mom was doing something that she shouldn't be doing.

I'll probably do something of the sort this week.

Before I left to go church training tonight, my wife, who joined the church before I did, and we got married there, made fun of me going. She made fun of HER church and what they believe - the gall of pastor to actually call her out on adultery.

Man, it really put her to a new low.

It also made me realize that my family, as I know it, is dead.

I cried alligator tears, and went to each one of my kids as they were tucked in for bed, telling them that I'm sorry, and sorry that I couldn't stop it from happening. To feel your family die in front of you, right now, in this hour, is the greatest loss I have ever felt in my life.

My D7 gave me one of her teddy bears to cuddle with in my bed. She got me tissues as well. My son cried with me, and my D14 texted me later and told me it will be alright, and that mom has something wrong with her - that she'll keep fighting to keep the family together.

I just lost it after that. Went downstairs, on the hardwood floor of the kitchen, and just completely lost it.

Something in me broke tonight. I finally admitted that I helped cause the failure of my family. And I begged God to take away the pain.

[NateG79]

I feel the same way tonight brother. Had a rough time after talking to D2. I broke down a bit as well regarding D2.

[trumpet]

If OM is really a freeloader with multiple As, she'll figure that out quickly. The school of hard knocks is a tough one to attend, but it teaches the lessons very well. When this R with OM burns out... and it will 100%...will you be ready to take her back?

After how vicious her attacks have been on me the last two days, I now doubt that I can. I thought that I was always ready to take her back, but considering how bad her behaviour has gotten, and what was said, I just don't know now.

I know it was WW spew, but it cut deep.

In the last 3 days, I'm now happy she's not here, and get a knot in my stomach when she is here - I just don't want to be around her. I've never felt like that in 15 years of marriage. I don't want her interacting with the kids - the oldest sees a very angry person.

[Ancaire]

I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.

Consider the DB basic principals....

1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect

These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.

[Mowgli]

Trumpet,

No, my wife isn't medicating at the moment, but I still feel like that needs to be a part of of the long-term solution.

The other thing I would recommend is that you don't alienate the children against their mother. Regardless of how this all plays out, she will still be a part of their lives.

No one on this forum is condoning adultery, but what do you think your wife sees when you are sitting the kids down and explaining to them what she's done, or going to your pastor and alienating her from her own church?

She wasn't looking at you as an option for a partner, but now she's seeing you as the enemy. Remember when Cadet posted to you (like he does for everyone) about becoming someone only a fool would leave?

Sandi will tell you, too: WWs will risk everything to live the dream. When you turn people against her all she'll do is find people to sympathize with her, support her in her "new" life. She'll throw relationships out the window that are decades old if she's not hearing her "truth."

She's rebelling because you keep trying to throw her mistakes in her face. Trust me; I'm not saying she's right or your wrong, but if you want a chance to salvage this, you need to let her burn this thing down on her own. She has to dig her own grave to realize what she's doing.

Throwing it in her face only reinforces her belief that she's making the right call.

You don't have to, and shouldn't, tolerate what she's doing. You do have to realize that no amount of effort trying to show her the wrongs of her ways will make her realize that.

I get it. It's hard to sit back and watch the life you've built for yourself crumble around you. It's hard to watch this person you've loved for so long change into somebody you barely recognize emotionally. You can't convince, manipulate , or control any of her actions. You can't help her "see" the truth.

I can only say these things because I've made the same mistake and I know it doesn't work. My W has only a few close friends. One supported her in what she was doing and the other she wouldn't even tell that she wanted to leave me because she knew her friend wouldn't support it. I told her friend what was going on with us (not the A part, just that we were having problems and W wanted to leave). W wouldn't hear any of it. I talked to Ws family and W accused me of trying to manipulate them.

It didn't matter what I did because W only saw her truth. I got lucky, really lucky that when I brought the A to the surface, W saw what she was losing and came back.

I truly believe that the only reason it worked was because I did a lot of work on me before I ever brought up the A. W saw the changes I had made but couldn't connect to me emotionally because she was emotionally connected to OM.

If OM hadn't been crazy and a serial cheater, I might very well have lost her.

Not trying to tell you what to do, just trying to help you out.

Good luck, man!