Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

I saw one thing you said in your post that jumped out at me - you said you 'couldn't win'. I know it's an expression and you may not have meant it that way, but it's something that has struck me with H, as well. I feel like we are a unit, that it's either a win-win or lose-lose for both of us in our interaction, while I feel that H acts as we are opponents and it's a win-lose game.

Yes, this was an expression. I meant 'win' as in finding a way for XW to feel like she was lucky to have me as a husband. That was really my goal as a husband. I wanted her to brag about me to her friends and family. I failed.

When I bring it up, he says 'if I only get more sex, I would do those things'. Well, I've tried that for 15 years and it's not happening......
......I was told by a male counselor that what I needed and asked for was reasonable, normal, and that I was unusually clear about it, and didn't play guessing games, like some women do.

Having something laid out clearly sounds like PARADISE...as does the patience you're describing.

One thing I want to clarify is that I have been stating "my side" of my marriage for a reason. It was actually uncomfortable for me because DB is about focusing on ourselves, and I am a huge proponent of not diagnosing or criticizing your partner. But I broke those rules for a reason. To help Julie and the others that had a husband that was behaving or talking in ways that I was familiar with. Some of these women have some regard for me and I was trying to make the point to not give up on their H, because the more I hear these stories the more I either think less of myself or more of their WAH's. Kyrie even said "Zues, you sound like my H" (in the context of why she was about to walk )

The harsh reality is that it is painful to reflect on how XW would describe the situation. Impossible to please, half crazy, insanely driven, extreme, so intense it was frightening at times, demanding, insensitive, bad and distant father, bi-polar and miserable to be around when I was down and exhausting to be around when I was up, porn addicted, sexually unreasonable and insatiable, controlling, emotionally abusive, neglectful, and unsupportive. Yup. She could say all of that truthfully.

What that doesn't show is how much I loved her. How I fought dragons every day to make sure she could have the life she wanted with the children. How every thing I did, truly, literally, to a fault, everything I did was dedicated to her in my mind, my promotions, my records, my pool titles, I wanted her to be proud of her man and feel lucky to have someone special. The emails and poems I wrote. The date nights I planned. The back rubs and footrubs that I loved giving her. The way that I found things she liked to do and did them with her, like puzzles, or "collaborative games" (because we found we couldn't play competitive games with each other, I was too intense ). All the times I made her breakfast in bed, or went out of my way to go to her favorite restaurant for take out. The texts I would send throughout the day. The notes I'd leave for her. And it doesn't show the pain in my heart, the betrayals, the neglect, and the resentment that plagued me from her behavior.

I will admit in writing this I do regret the hurtful things I did, and that I didn't do more to show how much she meant to me. The truth is that she was in the center of my mind and heart every moment of every day.

My overall point though is that the more I read these situations the more I wonder. Are we really any different from our WAS's? We talk on these forums as if we're all the spouses only a fool would leave, and we all have evidence that we tried so hard in our marriage, that we endured so much pain, and that ultimately we stood by our marriage. But meanwhile I'd be willing to bet that when the smoke cleared our spouses would feel the same way, the same way, the same way...and even the walking (which EVERYONE should know my stance on by now) and the affairs aren't that far off some of the ways that LBS's handle abandonment, with wanting to burn bridges, move on to someone that will love them, and getting what they deserve.

Obviously there are some truly bad apples out there. But more and more I tend to feel like we're all just broken, battered, misunderstood and neglected souls, overwhelmed by pain, and then by resentment. Shoot, I saw a good looking woman today and I had a moment's fantasy about how enjoyable it would be to show love to a good woman. Note, I didn't think about how great it would be for her to show love to me...my first desire was to show love to a good woman and make her feel special. Well, at one point I had a good woman, why didn't I do it then? Was the love I gave about having my needs met in return, or is there something even more special about simply giving my love to someone else?

My other point is that I'm far from perfect. Am I a controlling porn addict that emotionally abuses my spouse by withholds affection to force her into demeaning sexual acts? Or am I a normal man with human needs who's mediocre relationship skills left me vulnerable to the adversity of marriage?

I'm not sure anymore. I've thought about it so long I don't know I'll ever know. But my best guess is that I'm all of the above. And while I'll always strive to do better, maybe that will always be the case for all of us. That is why when I see you women with these guys I don't say "you can do better" as in find a better man. I say "you can do better" as in there is a better marriage possible with the man you have. There are some hard lines, some boundaries, some abuses and threats that can't be tolerated...but by and large this is what I'm coming to believe.