Ok ... so W is out doing her PTG thing for S;s school thought I would jump on as I have been thinking about a few things ... may be just a collection of ramblings to be honest but I have been thinking a bit .. New Year and all.
So last week I was looking on the computer for some old photos ... was searching sent emails of W's and came across an email from a guy whom she was helping out with a job ... yeah snoop a bit but I was curious more to the change in title (by him) which went from "BLah Bla Postition" to "Wanna go out Dancing?" So after the guy thanked W for helping him interview (he did not get the job) he asks her out Sat night for a night of dancing and said he would have her spinning around in no time. Part of me laughed ... she has been fighting vertigo for a few weeks ... the other part was curious to what she would do ... Saturday approached and no lame excuse, we were at the zoo the entire day. I actually am at a place she could have gone, part of me was almost wanting that in a strange way ... knowing I could not have done anything regardless I did not bring it up nor was I upset about it ... the guy tried and most likely thinks W is single as she has acted as such for the past 2-3 years (regardless her last name is obviously not hers) I can not stop guys from asking her out .. but the fact I was actually not spinning about it has helped me realize I am getting closer to who I was prior to BD,OM, and the A.
Ok ... MLCr observation ramblings. The rings are still off .. been over a month now, I have stopped wearing mine just for the fact I feel its one sided and in a strange way me pursuing/appearing I will always be 'here' ... if she wants to have R talk and work things out I am all ears ... but at the moment I am good... detached and doing my thing. Another thing .. the dog ... she is crushing all over this dog, spoiling him, getting up and putting her robe on him (as he sleeps next to me) ... over the top with this dog, same dog 2 1/2 years ago she was going to put in a shelter as she was leaving. I took the dog, my dog always has been and wanted S to have something of a normal atmosphere all things considered. Things the past week have been good ... some joking between us, but the distance/pursuit dance is still going, she felt me pulling away and by Saturday thanked me for the Zoo and gave me a nice kiss ... no ILY and hasnt been for a month or so .. but she is sharing things and at times playful ... at other times she can snap quickly but reels herself back in fast, enough to give me neck pains with the wiplash. On the zoo trip W brought a book ... was one I bought a bit ago about different personality types and attraction between them. This surprised me a bit ... pleasent surprise as its about as close to IC as she has been ... this book has been out and moved about the past week or so.
I have been sick, like flu/cold sick ... and staying on the couch as I do not want to get her/anyone else sick .... w has made a few comments about 'why dont I just come to bed' ... even Friday night after my gig I have always slept in the other room to not wake anyone, S was in there and told me "Mom wants you to sleep with her in your room" ... all strange but seems to play into the Distance/pursuit dance we do so well.
I was reading elsewhere on Reconnection/Reconciliation and how long it can take, how the MLCr may be sorry but not show true remorse ... seems my W is right there with them. I do think if I were granted a do-over I would have held out moving in, forced W to do the work a bit because it does feel she needed to make sure I was not going anywhere, once she had me in the house the progress has slowed to a snails pace. She has some MLC traits like keeping herself very busy with work, S's school, classes on health and diet, yoga (this is new for this week) ... just anything to stay busy and seemingly still searching for that elusive happiness.
I am not wrapped up in it... pretty level and good honestly, I took Sunday to myself and went on a ride with a buddy, we formed a 2 man motorcylce gang named the Burrito-Bandito's and we ride the first weekend of the month, its hilarious to me but I look forward to our trips, ride for an hour, hit a little brewery or restuarant and eat, have a beer, then ride home ... went almost all day Sunday regardless of not feeling my best I was not letting some sniffles keep me from doing it.
All this being said .. I noticed how when W is sick I help her out quite a bit, she even told me Friday I think it was that I am to kind, I shrugged thinking I would do this for the neighbor.... yet I was pretty sick today and she was all about her shower and relaxing as I cooked my own soup and S's dinner, was not upset just noting she still has a good deal of those selfish traits so linked to MLC, she seems to be working on herself a bit ... health, physical and mental, and even went to church with S while I was out on the bike ... she is very chatty via text, and somewhat at home provided I do not add in much about my day.
Anyways thats where I am currently, I am really in a good place as far as emotions and where my head is ... more like back to doing my thing and observing where she is ... peeking out of the tunnel here and there but not done baking yet.
