V - I guess I don't mind where we talk about it. I just don't really like discussing it, but I realize it's important. I felt a real urge to help Z...it's probably the first time I've ever used my own experience to help someone else. It still made me sick to my stomach.
The truth is, I fear I was born with a big "VICTIM" sign somewhere on me. I was preyed upon as a child. Later as adult, I was victimized again at 22. I really struggle with what it is about me that makes me such a target. This thing with H feels like yet another violation. I really trusted him, and I find out he was never worthy of my trust.
You're right...I make some progress, and then I start sliding backwards. I have never, since I reached adulthood, blamed myself for what happened to me as a youngster. It just hurts, because the man I'm talking about is my grandfather. I loved him. But he really damaged me...and if it were anyone else, I'd be on board with having him castrated. But I would beg for forgiveness on his behalf, because he wasn't all bad. He had this awful secret side...and then he had the side I adored.
How do you truly wrap your mind around that? There's just no way, really. The second violation, when I was 22, was a friend of a friend. He slipped me a drug, and I have no memory of the event - but I knew what had happened right away the next morning. There was "evidence" everywhere. It makes me sick, that I have no idea what was done to me other than the obvious. I didn't turn that one in, either. I was so embarrassed to have been in that situation to begin with. But I did spend the next several weeks on pins and needles praying I wasn't pregnant. I don't know what I would have done then.
Thankfully, it wasn't the case, but I learned a lesson. So, giving my trust to H? So incredibly difficult. But I did - and then he betrayed me, too. What on earth did I do to give off such a signal that it was okay to use and abuse me? Childhood, no excuse. That was not my fault. Adulthood, I thought I was safe. I was in a group, with friends. They didn't even know what was happening. They thought I got sleepy. Marriage? Why shouldn't I trust my H? I thought that's what it was all about.
Okay. I'm crying right now. I'm so tired of crying. I'm also terrified to go out into the world or to trust anyone ever again. I don't see trusting happening again anytime soon, frankly. I'm not angry about that...just really, really sad. I literally put up walls in the form of weight. Now that I have to lose that weight to save my life, how am I going to feel safe? I'm in big trouble.
I know this is rambling, disjointed...I just hate discussing this - but it is part of my life...and yeah. It screwed me up.
