The best thing you can do for yourself? Prove to yourself you will survive without H. I know you don't want to, but you need to prove to yourself you'll be okay. Once you start doing that, you're going to begin to remember who you were before you got married. That's partly why GAL is so helpful. It reminds you that you are more than an "us".
I know you've done this before, and in a way that makes it harder. My H agreed to reconcile for a very small amount of time..but his heart wasn't in it, and the first excuse he got, he was out.
All the wiser people on this board have convinced me that my best shot at winning H back is to just go on without him. Cut the rope, and move forward. It took me a while to get that into my head. I do know my life is a lot more peaceful since I decided to let him destroy his own life, without dragging me down, too.
The peace has allowed me to start problem solving - to begin focusing on what I need to do to move forward solo. I need to prove it to myself I'll be okay, as well. I lost a good bit of myself during my marriage. I'd like to reconnect with the person I used to be. This depressed, hurt, angry person was not how I wanted to exist, so I decided to deliberately seek out the happy, friendly person I used to be.
I'm not happy about the way he rocked my world. Nope. Not at all. But I have reached a point that I'm grateful I just get to be selfish. I don't have to worry one bit about H and how he will feel about something for the foreseeable future. That's such a relief.
If you can frame this in your mind in such a way you see any positives at all (I know how freaking hard this is to do!) you will find some peace in the situation. I always compared trying to hold on to H akin to holding a snarling, spitting, clawing cat I'm attempting to baptize. It wasn't going well for either of us. Once I found that one thing (I would be able to do whatever I wanted without answering to H) I was able to start finding a few others.
It won't be easy. I know that. I'm just trying to share what moved me away from depressed and ready to end it all, and into looking forward to seeing what I can do on my own. I've been through some real crap in my life...nothing has hurt more than this. So, I know I'm suggesting what seems impossible. The very fact you're here? You can do this. Just keep posting, and getting it all out. It doesn't feel very good sitting in your heart.
