Rain75: New post re: OW

[25yearsmlc]

25Yearsmlc,

yes, I did read both of your posts on Anna's thread about your neighbor's and your Palm Springs trip.

RAIN, you were posting on Anna's thread and so, a lot of what I wrote to you would be different if I had known I was not posting to her. Not all of it, but a lot. Much of what Zues has said to you really resonates with me, for your situation.

Just so you know...

You asked how I "know" the bad in his relationship with the ex/ow is true. From him, ow, his parents and siblings and his friends wives. To be fair it was only our history he rewrote into absolute negativity when he started the A. With her he never villanized it. Admitted they had fun and many good times.

And you are right I do not know how he really feels or if he is remorseful. That is mind reading on my part.

I have not read DB but I have read DR. Also for personal reasons I feel your choice of the word LEGACY pertaining to our children on commitment, forgiveness and redemption spoke to me. As if God gave you that word as a sign to me.


I appreciate that. But why didn't you two ever marry? I'm not judging, but I think it's significant if it was his choice not to marry.

In his mind, perhaps, he never has fully committed.

You asked how me bringing her up has helped me. In the moment it helped in so far as finally having it out in the open. But no other than that, it did not/does not help me or my interactions with X. Especially considering he does not want to discuss ow or A at all, ever.

Unless and until there is talk AND action towards a reconciliation, there's no need to bring up the OW, but

Then again No recon or "happy family all together" can happen without clearing the air about the A and knowing it's over, and a whole lot of boundary setting (by you).


And no, he is not saying he wants out. Just does not seem as if he wants back in either. But I too am confused.


I said this^^ when I thought you were Anna, and married to him. Sorry.

But as you say, he's not "IN" this anyhow. So he does not need to say he wants out. He's already out and when it suits him, he behaves that way.

The time we had over Christmas was SO HARD. His phone is my biggest trigger. So if he was on it or walked away to text i wound up either crying in the bathroom so as not to ruin it or I'd take a drive to buy something to get away.

On the ow. I blocked her. And I am not on any form of social media. She called me from another number.

Do you happen to know what HER goal is? She's married but is aware, now, that he has 3 kids and lies often. She may not feel the same about him. If you don't know the answer, spend NO time wondering or seeking it out. I just wondered.


On forgiving him. I did not mean to imply that I HAVE forgiven him. Only that I feel I need to forgive him. For myself.

Agreed. As CS Lewis said, "Forgiveness is not excusing" and as you say, it's for YOU. Not him. He doesn't even have to know about it.

But you are holding onto his A so hard, and it's so painful, that I hope you will learn to let it go.

Know this: the A is not about you...it's all about HIM. HIS flaws, not yours.

---

After the 1st BD a year ago he also said he was sorry and that they were done. So though i fought and cried and clinged, i also stayed. He did not feel any other consequence beyond me being suspicious and hurt most of the time. He had his family in tact. I still took care of him, cooked paid bills and everything else.


What was learned, then? (HE learned that he could have an A, lie about it, get caught, SAY he was sorry & that it was over, return, and do it again...)

That's what HE learned. But what are you learning?

How do these lessons learned, manifest? In other words, what are you doing differently?


So to know now that them being "done" only lasted for 2 weeks kills me. But its also why this time I left and have not gone back. He now has to fend for himself. I know I mess up a lot but on this he knows and I know that I am slowly finding my backbone. This time I haven't asked him over. I blocked him. I do not initate contact. And I found DR and you wonderful people on this BB. He may have done the same thing again but I am handling it differently. He is not liking this at all. And its hard for me.


"it's hard for me"...I'm sure it is. It's dang rough.

But my guess is that there's something that would be a lot harder in the long run...which would be more of the same.


I think I get what you are trying to get across to me. If I can find a way to get past this and stop punishing him for his mistakes and he chooses to do it again I will only be right back where I am now. But stronger. So I have to decide if thats what I want. One last go. Another chance to make our R and family whole, better.

What makes me feel better beyond him and his actions? To stop being this pathetic woman I became after the A started. A woman so fearful of losing a man.

Ahhh, well THIS^^^ IS under your control and that's empowering.


To get back to who I was before the A. Believe it or not I was vivacious, fun, spontaneous, confident and crazy (the good kind :))

"GAL can not be "skipped"." <<< this i am coming to see.

Great. It's KEY to detaching. Period. ANd heck yes I believe you were/are vivacious and fun, ETC ETC and you will soon show that, again

As for "if the WS is trying to win back trust..." it seems he isn't.


His phone and password are my biggest trigger and do me in..Every. Single. Time. So outside of me asking him to leave it in his car if and when he is meant to come by, I don't see another way to deal with it since he refuses to be transparent.

Thoughts?

You're right, he's not TRYING to reconcile. So I guess my question is, what's the question?

In other words, what are you doing to deal with that reality, (which may NOT change?)

Because you have to deal with it and get financial support for your children, in writing.

If I understand correctly, he's now paying LESS than he would, legally, correct?

And he's not in any position to even act as if he's "working on things" by bringing flowers and taking you to dinner. Good grief, that's like asking you to have amnesia. I'm not saying "don't take the flowers", I'm saying recognize it as a mere gesture...no "proof" of change in him.

As he is now in an A (or was recently), there's not much to say about a recon and his "working on the R" anyway, is there?

Also, From where I sit, his ability to resolve conflict (not just yell and escalate it till you back down, and or shove it under the rug)

but to be accountable is....not present. And there's no way to create a committed relationship, let alone a marriage & family, without conflict resolution skills.

The one useful thing our priest who married us said was, "it's not the number of conflicts you face as couple, b/c life throws more at some, but it's how you resolve those conflicts, that is key to happiness and success as a couple."

Plus, what do you feel you are teaching your kids, at this point?


Am I becoming a woman only a fool would leave?

I want to be. I am taking baby steps. But no, not yet, I'm not that woman yet.

Become a woman only a fool would leave, means you become the woman you were meant to become....(and maybe so that you don't attract fools)

Thanks 25yearsmlc. For all of your input. It was needed and appreciated.

Rain

You're welcome. I apologize for mixing your story with Anna's and thus giving mixed advice.

(I posted on other's threads when I first came here too. Then I figured it out. Happens a lot. But as you can see now, the advice you get on YOUR thread is a lot more helpful.)