What a jerk!!!

Well, they just called me off again tonight. That gives me ZERO hours at work this week. You've got to be kidding me! Not sure how they think I'm going to pay my rent and feed my kids if I never get to work.

Yes, I didn't have much of a life, but I was trying to get one. Apparently, he did notice that I wasn't at home, that completely surprised me. I'm just not sure how that's going to work a second time. Wish there were more people on here that would offer me advice on what to do and how to proceed. I really don't want to screw this up again.

When H pulled the rug out from under me again on the 1st, BEFORE the OW came waltzing in, I was talking to him about the situation. He had just admitted to me that he knew it was HIM and not me because when he tried to replace me with her, the same problems were there. I told him that I understood the look on his face and it was panic and anxiety and that he couldn't trust that fear because it wasn't real. He said that all he wanted to do was sit on the couch and not move. I told him that that was the depression that he'd been feeling for a LONG time. He HATES Drs and REFUSES to take medication, but he was crying and apologizing to me for doing this again after he said he wouldn't. So, I asked him (through my own tears) if he would PLEASE go see a doctor so they could help him. He kind of agreed, but not completely. Then, after he fixed my car the next night and I was talking to him in his truck, he was back to the pulling away and not wanting me to even be near him mode. I really tried to stay calm, but that ended up coming out as me questioning and trying to change his mind. Pretty much because I was questioning him and trying to change his mind!! Anyway, after I had completely pushed him away and upset him till he was crying, I told him that I would call & make him an appointment and asked him to please go so he could get some help. He didn't say yes, but didn't say no so I called to make an appointment for him today. UGH, they only want to schedule him with the doctor in that office that he hates. I told them that the main Dr in that office agreed to see him as a favor to me (and he did, but it was MONTHS ago). They said they would check with him and call me back in the morning. If he agrees to see him, and if H decides he will go, he will have an appointment on Friday. PLEASE, DEAR GOD LET HIM GET THE APPOINTMENT AND GO SEE THE DOCTOR ON FRIDAY!!! If he would just take some antidepressants and perhaps some Xanax, he might just be able to cope with his MLC and life in general.
I have an IC appointment Wednesday. I'm beginning to loose hope that IC is going to help me. I feel like I just sit there and cry and never resolve anything or feel any better.

Okay, it's time for me to go and take some deep breaths before I jump out of my own skin. Really feeling the need to go to H house and put my art around him, but I know he would just roll his eyes and not reciprocate. Just trying to get through the next 5 minutes at this point.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it