Here again after 9 years and struggling

[inpain]

You can breathe. Just concentrate on it. Slow, deep breath in, slow release out.

I absolutely know where you're coming from. My H is rushing me into a D I never wanted. The more I tried to fight him, the worse the situation got - so I just stopped. Stopped speaking to him, period. All communications have to go through L's. I was not in any emotional condition to deal with it. I'm still not, which makes me even more grateful to have a L representing me.

This situation is awful, but don't let it beat you. Spend 10 minutes just breathing. I'm serious. Stress tightens up everything, and it makes it hard to pull in a deep breath. You have to concentrate and make your lungs expand. At first, it's going to feel awful, like you're suffocating. In a sense, you kind of are. It is the best thing you can do to calm down, though.

Stop everything for 10 minutes and just concentrate on breathing. It doesn't mean the end. Really. Just breathe, okay?

Thank you Ancaire. You're right, it does feel like I'm suffocating. I seem to be getting worse with every passing day. H comes and is so normal and nice to me and it makes it all worse because I just don't understand why that isn't enough to try to make our M work.

I let S ring him tonight. I have talked him out of it all of the other times he has wanted to but have decided that if S wants to ring him then he should. He burst into tears on the phone and told his Dad he misses him and wants him to come home. Apparently H was crying on the other end too and said that it wasn't that simple and that he can't come home. Then H said he would rather talk to S about it in person so that he can hug him when he cries. Does anyone else find it hard to bear that H shows so much love for the children but not for them? I feel so awful thinking it because I wouldn't want them to lose his love for one minute but it just seems to dig the knife in even more when we made these children together and now he doesn't love me.