Hi, thought I would say hi. With regards to your h- I agree with the above, he left he doesn't get the same benefits. And if the house is technically yours, you have every reason to not want him there unsupervised. Is there a trusted person you could have there if you don't want to personally be there.
You did well on riding the news of the ow. It's heartbreaking when suspicions are confirmed. Ride the pain- you're doing good. I think the opportunity of travel is amazing, it would be such a healer. It really broadens the mind and helps reflections. It will be the best thing you ever do- I can almost promise that!
Well done you on stepping away from mr flirt. Its hard when you think someone is a friend and then they start to tell you things you haven't heard from a man in a while, and they make you feel good. I too am suspicious of these type, it's hard to know if they're genuine- and I too don't trust myself. Good on you. Focus on you, focus on your travels
Happy new year
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I understand you don't want to see me or talk to me, and that is OK.
There are things I need to get from the house (tax, car things) and other things too ('some clothes').
That process would probably be a bit easier on both of us if it happened when you were out anyway.
Is there a time when the house will be empty this week.
Have a good new year. Speak to you soon
So, how about this for a reply:
I hope you had a good Christmas and new year.
I think you are quite right about it being easier on us both if we didn't have to see each other [should I add 'at this point in time'?]. And thank you for being understanding about me perhaps not wanting to talk to you [or should I add 'at this point in time' here?].
Having given it some thought, I'm not entirely comfortable with your suggestion. I would prefer to pass the things you need at the moment to someone else, and have you pick them up from there. [should I add, I can do this with the rest of your belongings too?]
I think I'm feeling that I would like his things out of the house, all of his things. I've been feeling that for a little while now, and I got a bigger wave of it after the new year. I want this to be my space now.
I know he's going away to work from the start of February to the start of May, so maybe one option is not to say anything about the rest of his belongings for now, sit on it and work out how I feel for a bit longer, and perhaps do it while he's away?
Focus - I like your response. But if it were me, and I wanted all his things gone, I would pack them all up and tell him to let you know when he's available to come get them.
What do you think will happen if you sit on it a little longer? You're going NC, right? He's involved with OW? Do you expect that to change?
It's best to start letting the WAS experience all that comes with walking away from M. He doesn't get to use your home for storage. He doesn't get to come and go anymore. Your house, your rules.
You have to do what's best for you. He could always have a change of heart in the future - but it doesn't sound like that's what you're longing for most at the moment. If he does have a change of heart, and you're willing, he can always move his stuff back in at a later time.
My H was truly hit by reality when I packed up all his things, and moved them to another room. He began to understand that I wasn't just content to sit around and wait for him to change his mind. It didn't help anything about the R, per se. But it did wonders for my peace of mind to not have to deal with him on a regular basis. He has no reason whatsoever to invade my space, and I'm really happy about that. As long as he's with OW, he doesn't get to have me, too.
But, if you want more time to think before you act - your letter sounds fine. Regarding your proposed letter: I'd put "at this point in time" after the first sentence. And then I would add the offer, "I can do this with the rest of your belongings, too." I add this specifically because you want his things gone.
Focus - I like your response. But if it were me, and I wanted all his things gone, I would pack them all up and tell him to let you know when he's available to come get them.
What do you think will happen if you sit on it a little longer? You're going NC, right? He's involved with OW? Do you expect that to change?
It's best to start letting the WAS experience all that comes with walking away from M. He doesn't get to use your home for storage. He doesn't get to come and go anymore. Your house, your rules.
You have to do what's best for you. He could always have a change of heart in the future - but it doesn't sound like that's what you're longing for most at the moment. If he does have a change of heart, and you're willing, he can always move his stuff back in at a later time.
My H was truly hit by reality when I packed up all his things, and moved them to another room. He began to understand that I wasn't just content to sit around and wait for him to change his mind. It didn't help anything about the R, per se. But it did wonders for my peace of mind to not have to deal with him on a regular basis. He has no reason whatsoever to invade my space, and I'm really happy about that. As long as he's with OW, he doesn't get to have me, too.
But, if you want more time to think before you act - your letter sounds fine. Regarding your proposed letter: I'd put "at this point in time" after the first sentence. And then I would add the offer, "I can do this with the rest of your belongings, too." I add this specifically because you want his things gone.
Does that help a tiny bit?
Thank you! Yes, it helps so much. And thank you for your kinds words as well :))
Yup, he's with OW and I'm going NC.I'm not expecting any changes beyond that.
I think there's a part of me that is worrying about how bad I might feel packing all his stuff away.
If I were stronger I'd maybe be saying to him to come and do it himself, with me there as well, in the other room.
But I don't think I am strong enough to do that. So maybe me packing his things, then handing everything over to, for example, his sister is easier for me?
Hi, thought I would say hi. With regards to your h - I agree with the above, he left he doesn't get the same benefits. And if the house is technically yours, you have every reason to not want him there unsupervised. Is there a trusted person you could have there if you don't want to personally be there.
You did well on riding the news of the ow. It's heartbreaking when suspicions are confirmed. Ride the pain - you're doing good. I think the opportunity of travel is amazing, it would be such a healer. It really broadens the mind and helps reflections. It will be the best thing you ever do- I can almost promise that!
Well done you on stepping away from mr flirt. Its hard when you think someone is a friend and then they start to tell you things you haven't heard from a man in a while, and they make you feel good. I too am suspicious of these type, it's hard to know if they're genuine - and I too don't trust myself. Good on you. Focus on you, focus on your travels
Happy new year
Thank you, Cherry! I've done a couple of stupid things since getting my MIL's email. I'm not proud of them, but hey ho, that's life. It's all being filed under 'experience' and I'll remind myself of them if I need to in future.
I've not quite managed to step away from Mr Flirt entirely yet. I guess I've made the decision in my head, but my actions are lagging behind a bit (we're still chatting on the phone and messaging). Thankfully every time I talk to him, I like him less and less, and he seems more and more manipulative. So I reckon it's only a matter of time (and not much time at that) before I don't feel the need to engage in this at all.
Today I've been working on my storyboard for my IC (what I want my future life to look like). Mr Flirt called me as I was cutting out pictures and words from magazines and I felt quite irritated. I wanted to concentrate on what I was doing and enjoy it, and I felt that he was encroaching on my good vibes.
I'm about to go back to my own work (as opposed to the very busy spell with my part-time job). My own work takes up a lot of my headspace, and I like that, so there will be even less energy for Mr Flirt.
This evening I managed to empty my H's underwear drawer into a bin bag. I was feeling a bit panicky as I was doing it (heart thumping), so I stopped after it was empty and didn't carry on. I guess I've made a start though, so that's a plus.
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
I really loved you suggesting he get his stuff from a third person. Brilliant! Yes, they get a bit pushy when we do not respond immediately, even though they ignore us for months.
Try and remember, it does not matter one bit how he feels about your reply or when you give it. Take your time, patience. He has to learn he has zero control over you anymore!
I think you are doing amazing.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
Thank you, my lovely. I've come to realise that I'm struggling with a lot of these things.
And I've come to realise that behind all of that, is that I struggle with other people's anger (or rather, the fear of other people's anger).
And I know where that comes from *sigh*
Anyway, yesterday I was struggling with the boundaries positive outlook ones in particular.
I really loved you suggesting he get his stuff from a third person. Brilliant! Yes, they get a bit pushy when we do not respond immediately, even though they ignore us for months.
Try and remember, it does not matter one bit how he feels about your reply or when you give it. Take your time, patience. He has to learn he has zero control over you anymore!
I think you are doing amazing.
Thank you so much Mona52. I discovered just how pushy they can be yesterday
