You have to be there when she tells them so that she won't put the spin on it. She's going to want you to tell them together, guaranteed. She'll want to do the whole "we don't love each other anymore, but we love you guys etc."
If that's not truly what you want, don't say that. Tell them that you don't want to divorce, that you still love their mother very much, but that this is what she wants and you love her enough to let her find her own path. All of that is true; They don't need to be lied to.
W needs to feel all of what she is doing, trumpet. She needs to feel that loss and she needs to understand that it's not all about her; there are so many other people involved.
She's lying to you and herself. Don't let her candy coat this for the kids to make herself feel better or to make you out to be the bad guy.
The other thing you need to realize is that regardless of your Addiction, nobody deserves to be treated this way, especially by someone that they love.
When you say "build on the ashes," you need to know what that means. It means not willing to go back to that M. Are you at that point?
If she's not willing or able to make the changes you need in order to be in R with you, are prepared to do your own thing?
No one deserves to be treated the way she's treating you, Trumpet. When people are telling you to move on, it's because they see that. That does't mean you throw in the "hope" towel, though.
Right now, from my perspective, it appears that she isn't willing to be that person for you. You can't control that, only your response to it.
My response was to focus on myself (GAL), my kids and my work. Let her figure out her own s--t.
If OM is really a freeloader with multiple As, she'll figure that out quickly. The school of hard knocks is a tough one to attend, but it teaches the lessons very well. When this R with OM burns out... and it will 100%...will you be ready to take her back?
I used to get frustrated when people would comment on what I wanted to do, what are my goals? Everyone here has the same answer initially: we all want our S to come back and be happily married again.
Is that where I'm headed? Right now I think so, in two months? two years? Seven years?
What if she had filed and left me high and dry, would I still be holding onto her seeing the light and coming back? Would I just sit there waiting like a chump?
The point I'm trying to make here is that yes, we all want the same thing, but it wasn't until I put my focus and goals on myself and my boys and not on the R that the end goal was even attainable.
Don't let yourself be mistreated and don't try to save a R not worth saving. If you truly want to "build on the ashes," you need to let this s--t burn to the ground around her.
You're doing what you need to do, keep doing that, but know that the pain gets worse until it gets better. You get to make the final call; you get to decide how much you can handle and when you are done. Remember that because that revelation was the turning point and the foundation on which you can build your "best self."
