WAW - Detaching is the Hardest Thing

[isittoolate]

Scidad - no smoking gun over the last 4 months - just some circumstantial evidence. I have access to one of her little used email accounts but not her work email and I have recorded conversations in her car and her bedroom. She hasn't bought new clothes, been away for unexpected trip, late nights at work etc. She never uses PC so no keylogger, she only uses smartphone and iPad.

W has been secretive, leading to my suspicions and then snooping, finding more secrets, more snooping, paranoia, then she found my journal dwhich details some of the things I found and my speculation as to why she is a WW - new vibrators, bondage gear ( we had some before BD but this was new- she claims it was for us but not used by us and she bought it with her GFs,) also a tiny amount of cocaine,

Remember for the last month, FIL has taken ill unexpectedly and then died just before Xmas. He sexually abused her and she has always, hated resented him but found that change to love when he was on his deathbed.

I do wonder if she can forgive and then love her father after what he did, then she can do the same with me - I live in hope.

What freaked me out just before NYE is that she took her sex toy kit bag to work - she says she suspected me snooping so removed it to the car but then returned it later that day - she did return it - that is a fact - but I freaked thinking she had taken it to be with OM. I have no evidence for that.

Anyway she saw my journal and now can't trust me and wants out as in the posts above. It's brought forward another BD/ R talk that was going to happen in a few weeks anyway - but she is emotionally raw at this time - so it's the worst time for me.

Tonight has been a lot calmer, she has stopped shaking, was pleasant to me when I arrived home, and cooked me some food - and no R talk. She asked if my IC session had gone well.

I ripped up my journal in front of her and said I would not keep one anymore.

I still need to detach as Zeus says and gal. Tonight I did a 5k run and am maintaining a pleasant , warm , demeanour.