It's funny how quickly the subject field of these threads becomes incorrect. It's good to be starting another thread, since the subject of my previous thread "WW is onboard with trying to save the M" definitely isn't true anymore. The new subject for this thread, which is true for me right now, is "Letting go, finally". Perhaps this will hold true for longer. If I am successful in finally detaching then I expect it will.
Toward the end of my previous thread, Zeus was helping me to understand how I can detach and let go, but without burning bridges and throwing away the M. As of right now, I have been fully in the process of letting go for only 3 days. Before that, I was flip-flopping between wanting to save the M and wanting to end it for about a week. I have completely stopped snooping, removed the keylogger from my W's computer, and came clean about the fact that I had done that. So, everything feels clean for me know. I have my own integrity and I feel good about myself. I have done everything I could to save my M and I can let go knowing that.
The last conversation that I had with my W about the R was 3 days ago. In that conversation, she reiterated that she had decided it was over. However, she said that it was really hard for her and that she did still have her moments of doubt, and that she was finding it really hard to let go of me, our life together, the emotional shelter that our M provided from the big scary world out there. She felt deep regret for her poor choices and wished that she could turn back time. However, the pain of flip flopping has been too much for her, and so her decision that "it's over" brings certainty and escape from that pain which feels welcome. She is glad to feel that things are moving and changing now, that we can get on with the next chapter of our lives, apart from each other.
We have agreed to take things slow, and if/when we actually get around to filing for D, we want to do it with mutual good will, using a mediator instead of separate lawyers. We are both thankful that we at least have this, the gift of good will. During that conversation 3 days ago, we started to talk about what separation/D would look like. How we would split custody, how we would deal with summers when our son is off school. We talked about little details like the fact that I would keep the piano... but how my W could buy a compact keyboard so that our son could practice while he is staying at her place too. Talking through these details is making the reality of D much clearer. It is very, very sad and we both have a lot of regret that is coming to this. She admitted that she never really thought through all of this when she made those poor decisions to start the A's in the first place. I pointed out that I regret that we haven't really tried everything yet. I had hoped that she would stick to NC with the OM so that we had a fighting chance to save our M, but since she chose not to, here we are. She admitted that she has the same regret, and part of her does want to consider the remote possibility of a miracle, but then she immediately flips back to the finality of her decision that "it's over", which has given her a sense of comfort and escape from the hell of flipping back and forth that has been the limbo we are in for the past 2 months.
After that last conversation 3 days ago, I could see how a part of me wanted to take it and hold onto it as a last thread of hope. I spent the rest of the evening talking myself away from that. Reminding myself of the reality... that it is time for me to let go. That I should not wait for a miracle... that I need to get on with my life. The one thing I will do it take it slow for as long as I can, not be the one to push for D or burn any bridges too quickly. I succeeded in talking myself away from flipping back to hope, and I have spend the past two days really moving into the space of accepting that it's over. It has been really lonely and painful. I do feel a greater sense of peace, but I am very far from feeling happy and strong as a single person. I have a long road ahead of me before I could truly be ready for another R with someone else. Yes, I am a good man and have been a very good H. Someday I will be ready to share that with the right person. However, right now I look down this long, lonely road with much resistance and grief. I am not looking forward to it. If there are wonderful surprises awaiting me around the corner, I don't see them yet, and I have a hard time trusting that they are there. I pray that it can be easier that I expect it to be. I don't want to be depressed again like I was 10-12 years ago. I really don't want to go back there.
Me: 39 W: 36 M: 8 yrs T: 10 yrs S: 7 W started coming out with the truth: 9/26/15 W finished coming out with the truth: 11/12/15 W started sleeping in guest BR: 11/13/2015
