dday, rebuilding

[Ancaire]

Actually, Fogg - what you have there is pretty darned good!

I, too, have trouble believing we won't ever be back together. I have accepted the answer may just be time. What I am resolved to do, is to just learn to be grateful for where I am and what I have. I have to start rebuilding "me", and I've already begun that process. Learning gratitude in the midst of chaos is something I believe we are all meant to learn. It's also extremely hard.

Regarding my bad parenting moment? I did explain I was just venting, and I know he understands. I also know in spite of all the explanations, the words still hurt - and I really understand why. I can't undo it. I am just resolved to be much more careful in the future. I would never have said such a thing if I thought it would be overheard. To me, this is a lesson. I wish my son hadn't been hurt by it - it happened, though. But, I DID learn that lesson.

He knows I love him. He knows I never would have let those words cross my lips if I'd known he could hear. He really understands - but it still hurt. I fully understand why. The lesson was for me.

[dday]

Random thought of today. I do not speak to my mom. Haven't in 7+ years. It [censored], but it is much healthier for me and my kids to not speak to her. Long abusive, manipulative, guilt ridden story.

I detached from her. I do still love my mom, and always will. I do not plan to ever reconnect with her.

Now, I know that I can do this with XW, if I didn't see her often. Also, I know that if I go to that level I may never want to see her again. I was bitter against my mom for many years, and I don't want to be that way with XW. It took counseling to get over my anger with mom. I am struggling with that idea today. It may be exactly what I need to do. Maybe that is what truly letting go may be like for me.

So, can I let go and not be bitter? How do I let go with love? I truly believe that I am on to something here...

[vise82]

Hey Dday,

I do not speak to my mom, dad, or several brothers and sisters. Same as you, a long abusive, manipulative guilt ridden story.

But I never put the other part that you said about detaching from them then I could detach from W, together.

This insight has given me a lift today, that I will be ok, that I can do this, and you can too.

[dday]

Thanks vise. Today I am going through a bit of angry reflecting.
Xw was frustrated with me depending on her too much, yet she was the one who wanted me to cut ties with my childhood friends. Granted, they were pretty immature, but they had been there for me for years.

Xw put other people ahead of me on her list of priorities.

Xw quit on me. Not the other way around.

Xw pulled away from me when she had a miscarriage. I did it in return.

Xw would actually sit in front of me, having a drink, and tell me that if I drank she would leave me.

Xw asked me to move out, and the boys think that I have left them. They said as much this weekend again.

Xw is trying to portray herself the victim. Making me the bad guy. She is kinda splitting the town into my side or her side.

----------------------------

She has a lot of work to do if she ever wants to R with me. I still love her. Still would love to restore my family. It's up to her to figure out that she has to work on herself.

Time to do a mic drop and walk away, leaving the gate open...

[dday]

Sorry for the vent earlier. I feel like I need to journal some of the things xw did wrong too. I tend to only remember the best of things. So maybe remembering and writing/typing will help this process. Remembering that she is human and broken just like the rest of us.

[Ancaire]

I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.

Consider the DB basic principals....

1) Healthy boundaries.
2) Better communication
3) GAL
4) "act as if"
5) Change how you look at things
6) Keep a positive outlook
7) Personal growth
8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be.
9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels"
10) Love and respect

These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.

[JksD]

Hi dday, don't feel bad about venting. Better to vent here than at kids?

I guess we all need to rant, as long as we get it out of our systems and not become bitter. This is like the virtual smashing of plates. Do it if you have to as long as we don't let our lives be consumed by it?

[dday]

My partner here at work ran into xw and her parents this weekend at a furniture store. Apparently her parents are getting her new furniture. Mayne not, but it sure looks that way. This bugs me, because they are sheltering her from seeing what she has done. They have bought her new clothes, and taken her places and dinners, etc.

Xw does not do anything alone either. She brought another one of our friends to the party last month (her H was at work). She is trying to organize a girls night this weekend, since she will be the only parent there that is single.

I know, not my circus... but these things are going to enable her to live in dream world for a lot longer. Maybe this is normal... I don't know, but I hope that it all sinks in to her someday. The sooner the better!

________________

I saw her at ball last night. S7 met me at the door and took me to sit with them. We didn't acknowledge each other, but when a common friend made a comment, we both looked at each other, knowingly and connected for a second. Then it was over. That bugs me still.

Going to ic in a bit. This is my topic... detaching, without putting her in the same space as I have my mother

[dday]

Went to ic/priest today. He told me that I am doing pretty well, and I agree. I asked him about detachment and how to further the process. He said that a lot of it will take time. Behaviors are easier to change than feelings. Said that he thinks I am just where I need to be in this. I wish I were further along, but I don't think it can be forced much faster. I just have to not do things that hinder the process.

I have a lead on some land for a building site. Was going to talk to the owner tonight, but he had a rough and potentially expensive day. So I will wait a week or so. Kinda excited and have 2 house plans in my head that I need to put to paper.

[Azzork]

There is no easy button. Trying to make the process go faster is like pushing on a string....doesn't work.

Just be where you are and keep moving forward.