WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[gs9]

Hi Trumpet,
If WW is saying things like this then maybe you have finally detached. Maybe she's finally feeling that she is losing you. Sounds like she is temp checking.

She's asking herself "do I still have him?" and then when you show interest she says to herself "I do still have him. I can do whatever I want because this guy's never going to leave me. I don't have to end my A I can have my A and my H too."

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong but just because she states she feels this way or she makes assumptions about what you are or are not interested in doesn't mean she is right. And I don't think it means you have to correct her or set the record straight.

My WXW on several occasions made statements like this or accused me of having a girlfriend. Twice I reassured her that I did not. Guess where it got me......nowhere. She continued her A's.

I believe Sandi told me to not reassure her. She was just temp checking. She needs to feel the loss of you in order to turn things around. Let her feel the consequences of her choices. She's a big girl making adult decisions with adult consequences.

[trumpet]

You were all correct.

Thank you, thank you, thank you - to everyone on this board.

It took 2 months, but I have made a stand, and successful detached enough to tell her this, and it took 2 minutes, no arguing, and I left the room.

1.) I know you're back to the EA, and you have plans
2.) I know you've started with the lawyer, and will be giving them a check on Monday
3.) I know I'll be served, and that it's OK
4.) I'm really sorry for the kids - that's who will be hurting the most, and I pray that they'll make it through this
5.) I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you were looking for in a M. I hope that the OM is everything you want in a person, and that he can fill your needs - you deserve it.
6.) I will be OK through all this. I'm ready.

I then left the room.

She wanted THEN to talk - made me come back into the room - but wanted to know how I'm spying on her, and why I would do that.
I told her it's not important, and that we might be able to talk about that some other time. I then left to get kids breakfast.

I can tell you for the first time, in two months, I feel like I have control over my emotions, and did the right thing in front of my W.

The ball is completely in her court.

You should not snoop. I did, but what I found is everything I thought was happening. It seems like our hunches are usually right, no?

The EA is back, bigger than ever. Plans have been made, love is expressed, sex is wanted, pictures are going back and forth, showing the beds where they're going to have mad sex, and the retainer has been filed for the D, almost with glee. Early next week my wife was planning on serving me. Her parents are supportive of her, as are the friends of ours she hung out with last night.

She is a mess - working out, trying to escape the shame of the EA. Panic attacks. Now an admin at work, with huge demands of her.

My porn addiction made my needs magnified. The EA put my logical reasoning brain on hyatus for those two months, or at least now I can have logical thought some of the time. I still have days I'm a mess.

I can see, feel, and taste the detachment. I'm nowhere's near complete detachment, but the hurt right now isn't getting in the way, nor is the personal emotional and physical needs I was craving.

Sorry for the long post - I guess this was a bit of a journal. Going to talk to my brother today, and probably my/our pastor. The kids will NOT find out from me. I will not put them in the middle again. When she files, she'll have to tell them. She has plans to move out - with the kids. She'll have to tell them that as well. None of it will go down like she thinks it will.

But I'm not angry right now, I'm just profoundly sad for her, and for my beautiful, awesome kids - D14, S12, and D7. I get hugs and kisses from them daily now. It's awesome. It's a bond I didn't have with them 4 months ago. For that, I'm very grateful.

[trumpet]

Holy crap.

The my W is unhinged. A complete meltdown.
She had to leave the house and drive to Milwaukee to talk to mom and dad. She's in a flat spin.
I continued to detach and validate in our 5 min. discussion before she left, and SUCCEEDED. You just KNOW when you have the detachment thing down. I was very calm, and after reading all the love texts, and the plans for March and April (taking time off, were going to go away for a weekend together), I caught her at the very top of her infatuation with OM. The second time around it was even more intense than from June-Nov. Catching up for lost time, I suppose. OM's divorce is coming to a close, and has his own place now, so I'm sure he's more lonely than before.

I read through all the texts today in the PM - took pictures with my phone of her phone early this morning. Took a while looking at them all, and did it at a coffeeshop, away from the kids. I didn't get mad, didn't cry, I was just... sad. Sad for her. And really sad for the kids. My wife and OM started up again before Christmas. Found the signed retainer for the lawyer. Read it. Ugh.

I thought I'd have a complete breakdown knowing what is ahead of me, but there's a relief that I'm no longer in 'limboland'. Telling her I'm not willing to jointly file was a shock to her. I will stand up for what I believe, and she can deal with it.

I'm excited for what 2016 could be. Life could suck, yes, with a divorce looming, but what about all the potential? Spending time with my kids... taking walks in the spring, when the flowers come up? What about my goal of running 2 5ks? Which ones should I choose? I want to go skydiving. I want to crush it at work, as Zues says. Right now, the resolve I have is squashing any lonliness I had. I feel more in control of myself than I have in years. And I'm ok not being in control of the M right now.

[sandi2]

What do you say to a WW when after DB'ing, and GAL, when they complain they think you're distant and not interested in them?

"I am backing the hell away, just as you requested".

"I have discovered that I also need space"!

[trumpet]

Thank you Sandi - I will use both.

[trumpet]

I backed away all weekend.

Opened my mouth at the end of the night. My W went and saw our pastor, as I had talked with him on New Years. He now understands she has a full blown EA again, and reached out to her. He was met with lots of angry words, saying she thinks she hasn't loved me in 10 years, and has lots of anger and hate in her heart for me.

He met up with her last night, shortly. Here is where I make my mistake, and figured it out: I always have expectations that he would get through to her, and she'd at least want to talk to me after talking with the pastor. It's happened three times, and every time, she comes home either not talking, or actually happy to have told him that she's happy to be committing adultery, or she won't stop, since the hurt is too much, and she needs to 'feel happiness' in life, and that isn't with me.

I broke my commitment to not talking to my W - I simply asked at the end of the night if she was still planning to file, which after a few minutes of talking, said yes. I then blew it by asking her to let me know when in March she was planning on getting away with OM - I caught all the text messages from Christmas to New Years, and they have plans to see each other as soon as possible, and then do a getaway in March. I told her I just needed to know, so that I could plan time off with work, so I could be home with the kids.

Well, after taking her phone, her climbing on top of me, scratching me and leaving a bruise on my right hand, and forcing her to talk for an hour (at midnight, which is another 2 rules broken), she is so upset that I know all of this, and has so much hatred in her heart, I don't think it will be anytime soon that the M can be fixed.

She is getting paperwork done this week. I will be filed upon.

She hasn't told the kids all of what she's doing, but plans on filing a restraining order on me to get me to leave the house. I don't think she can force me to leave, esp. since I'm not raising my voice, touching her, or hanging around her in the house.

She plans on now trying to get custody of the kids.

She never wants to see me again. She has a need to be happy, and the divorce is the light at the end of the tunnel, her words.

The kids will be just fine, she says. (Yeah, right).

When she left today she told me to blank off.

Yes, I know it's script. It still hurt. And my wife doesn't typically make idle threats, so the D is going to happen.

I'm so, so sad for my kids.

[SciDad]

Can you have your bruises/scratches documented in some way? I don't know how this works.... Does it need to be the police or can it be lawyer?

It might be harder to file a restraining order if you can document her attacking you, but I don't really know.

[Mowgli]

I would contact a lawyer ASAP Trumpet.

Not because you want to file, but because you need to know where you stand and what your options are.

I know nothing about the laws in Wisconsin, but you should and need to prepare yourself.

She's Spiraling because things aren't going the ways she thought they would. She wants you to cooperate and go along quietly and you haven't.

She's looking for that control again. That's how you know you're DB'ing and detaching correctly; people don't lose it like that when they're in control.

Is the house in your name, her name, or both? What grounds would she have to file for full custody? These are things you need to know...

Good luck, man! You are capable of great things and you will come out of this the man you want to be and were meant to be!

[trumpet]

Mowgli,

Sight for sore eyes - great to hear from you!

Yes, she's still spiraling. Her words to me are meant to hurt and distance. Our entire 15 year marriage was re-written last night when she talked. Every mistake I've made in the last 2 months were laid out for me to take the blame of why she's so unhappy, and now furious with me. I passed a Bible verse to her in church, after finding out I was being served. Jesus told Judas to do quickly what he was about to do. In retrospect, complete a** move by me. She took it as I was calling her Judas - not my intent, just knew she was going to file, and calling her out on it. Like I said, I regret it.

I'm back to 'staying the he** away from her'. I'm hoping it doesn't come to the restraining order - my brother, a police officer, said they wouldn't have anything on me.

I took pictures of the bruise and scratch. We've had a couple of fights, 10 years ago, that she punched me, and I held her arms to stop the punching. She went to the cops to document the bruises... and in the end, we had forgiven each other for that time in our lives. Every big couple mistake I made comes up now in conversation - her hurt is unending, and I am getting the spew every time I see her. Even looking at her she'll exclaim, even in front of the kids 'stop looking at me!'.

Really don't know what to do, besides just staying away from her, staying in the basement, and doing my very best with the kids. They need a stable environment, and my wife and I are not doing that. My D14 says mom is always so angry - she's been slamming doors shut in front of her when D14 wants to talk about her and the marriage. D14 wants us desperately to stay together - all 3 kids do.

Our pastor called. I thought he might have made some headway last night, but really, all he did was listen a bit, and when he asked about the affair, she would say nothing, just complained about me. Naturally, when I called, he put a line in the sand, saying the tit-for-tat had to stop. I reassured him I wasn't asking for that, but to let me know if she ever talks with him again. I think she's done with our church.

Watching my wife turn into something so different than what she was, even a year ago, is sooooo sad to see. She's not anyone I'd want to be with anymore. I lament the wife I had, the marriage I had. Every day, I see that M as dead.

There will have to be a new one built upon it's ashes.

I was thinking I wanted her to tell the kids we're divorcing, but now I think I want to be there, so that she doesn't put the spin on them, telling them that I'm the cause of all of this.

Thoughts?

[JGuy]

I'm so sorry to hear about the downward spiraling of your sitch, trumpet. If you can contain your own anger and continue to behave respectfully toward your W (as it sounds like you have), then I think you will come out of this on higher moral ground, and you will at least have yourself; your own self-respect.

My sitch is downward spiraling too, but my W and I are much more cordial. She is saying it's over, but she is confused, still loves me, full of regret, and isn't outwardly hateful toward me. However, all it takes is the slightest anger from me and she flips into a very defensive and selfish place. I think it's true what Sandi says about how a WW's heart is a a very cold, dark place. When there's an OM in the picture, it is just so easy and tempting to blame all the M problems on the LBH. It has helped me to remember this and to trust that my W is just a good person who is badly confused and making very bad choices, learning a very hard lesson, the hardest possible way. Indeed, letting go is the only viable option at this point.

You and I continue to be in sync, trumpet... I hold you in my thoughts. You are a great man and nobody can take that away from you. Hang in there bro!