Rain75: New post re: OW

[Rain75]

Something I wrote on MBs thread but I want it on my own.

Do you know after the 1st BD (last year) i would call and text and email him constantly? Dozens of times a day. I was a sad pitiful sight. No doubt about it. He ran from that and from me right into OW arms. Oh the whining and crying and pleading and guilting. Clearly I didn't have DR in my life yet lol

This time I do though. And I have messed up soooooo many times BUT the reason I have him blocked from calling and that I am able to not contact him and only reply to his is because in the book she asks us if what we are doing is going to get us closer to what we want. And the answer to that for me is, no.

Unblocking him right now and him NOT calling will hurt me. Me calling him or texting him first and never hearing anything i want to hear will hurt me. And if I purposefully add more hurt then how is that getting me closer to my goal? If anything it's a safer bet I will lash out at him and attack him verbally or worse guilt him.

Which i admit I have done many times but at the end do I want him back out of guilt? No! I remember asking..okay BEGGING...him, to reconsider for the kids sake. That came back to bite me in the ass this as he told ow he only stayed with me for the kids. That really cut me to the core. So this time i have not and will not repeat that. Ever!

And when he asks about the kids i 90%of the time keep it short. Theyre good. In bed. Or they're exhausted we went to the park today. Etc

I do not want him back soley for the kids or out of guilt. Only out of love.

Driving by his house must stop. Why? If you see his car you feel better if you see hers you are crushed and take 10 steps back. And let me tell you. Had mine driven by my house the other day he would have seen my car...yet I was out. True it was for a walk lol but do you see it is a fleeting sense of peace that may not even be reality?

As for others that have been in your exact situation. I think Pink has. She's told me she thought they were reconciling more than once only to have the rug swept out from under her. She's great too. If you ask her about others in similar sitchs and she knows she will definitely point you to them.

I am currently reading up on t0324. I started with the good part. Where they worked it out. Where her once cold distant husband that walked away and had an A now is in love with his wife again. Planning trips, being affectionate.

Then I relaized. I didn't know how they got there. I know I need to grow. Be better. Admit my own failings and work on them. Regardless if we R or not. And thats saying a lot considering it hasn't even been a month for me since last BD. So I started at her first ever thread. It is heartbreaking. It is me.

But we are here to learn. So why do we run from it? She stumbled and fell and made mistakes but somewhere she changed her approach and it worked. She and I are scarily similar. It worked for her. Perhaps it will work for me. Perhaps not. But I don't want to have been put through this pain and hurt and NOT learn from it. I do want to be a better person, mother, sister, friend and partner.

I want the same for you MB. Do you realize even when they miss us it does not stop them from doing other things? They have A and work and hanging out. They do not seem to let however they feel about us affect them as much as we do.

I am usually a confidant, funny (sarcastic funny mostly lol) spontaneous girl. Not this sad sack always moping around. I have to get that back. We both do.

[- MB -]

Hey, I just read that on my thread. . It is definitely worth reposting! Thank you again for your support. You have really grown in the short amount of time that you've been here. I hope you keep up the great work and find happiness at the end of your journey.

[Ancaire]

Thanks for posting this, Rain. It's really good information, and something I really needed this morning. I've decided to move on ahead, but I seem to be determined to cause as much damage as I can as I do so. Thank goodness for fellow DBers who keep me from doing something I will absolutely regret!

[Rain75]

Ancaire, Im flattered and glad anything that I write can help my friends here. I am right there with you when it comes to causing damage. I've read up some on your thread. That awful heartache when the twins heard you talking about how much they look like your H. My heart broke for you.

MB, thanks. I reposted it here to read during my down times of which I have many. And thank you for saying I have come a long way. I haven't but I want to. Baby steps right?

Have a lovely day ladies! We deserve it.

Rain

[Rain75]

So, deep breath here. He hasn't seen the kids since Christmas and his car is in the shop. Says he misses them and asked me if I can bring them around. I wanted to say absolutely NOT!

Still angry and hurt clearly. Also scared. Scared to lose the momentum however small that I have been able to muster.

But will that get me closer to my goal? No.

And they miss him so much. I simply replied. "Okay, not a problem."

So i have to get mentally prepared. I will NOT cry. I will not bring up R. I will not look sad.

I will however look fabulous I will smile. I will STFU and be pleasant. And see this exactly for what it is. The kids getting a chance to spend time with their dad.

At least all of the above is my goal. And would be like 50 plus 180s on my part.

Wish me luck and pray for me please. Also any advice? I have a couple of hours beforehand.

Rain

[- MB -]

Good luck Rain! I will be thinking of you. Hopefully it will go smoothly. Make sure to look like a million bucks (nothing wrong with making him a bit jealous). When you hear that voice in your head yelling STFU, just picture me in my H truck after he spent $120 for a car battery and came to my rescue after his bedtime only to have me question him to death like that was the answer! And, while you're thinking of me cornering him in his truck, YOU WON'T BE TALKING!!! . I have been really trying to remember to STFU and just as importantly LISTEN. He may tell you something that you didn't already know or let you catch a glimpse at what he's thinking/feeling. Why oh why can't I STFU? While you're looking HOT and nailing the stfu, don't forget to be mysterious/vague. Even if he asks what you've been doing, answer sweetly, but be vague. Keep your answers short and don't initiate the conversation. Let him do the work and let him think you have better things to do. Oh, and most importantly, whatever you do, do NOT let him bait you into an arguement. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Rain75]

Thanks MB. I will absolutely think of you and your H in his truck. And you mentally telling yourself to STFU and ignoring yourself Lol.

And as his phone is my major trigger I have decided that if he is texting and it really gets to me I will simply cut the visit short.

No arguing or pointing out why. Or blaming him. Just a simple we're going to get going. STFU. And leave with a "thanks see ya" and a smile.

If it were a visit here or a park I would set my boundary. Please leave your Cell phone in the car while we are together. Not controlling as that would be....if you want to spend time with us you HAVE to take the code off of your phone.

Boundaries are to protect our selves and say....you may do as you wish however this is something I will not accept.

Still nervous. Everything Im saying now sounds so grounded and simple. But like MWD says in DR. Yes it's simple. Implementing it is the hard part.

Yikes

[Rain75]

If anyone has any advice or magical powers to help me STFU etc. I would appreciate it. So nervous.

[Rain75]

He cancelled. Gonna take a shower and go run errands.

[Rain75]

Saying this here so as not to unleash on him.

He mentioned how his paycheck will be half of the usual amount for two weeks as he has had several days off work due to the weather.

So, in the last two weeks there were 4 days plus both weekends. 8 flipping days! He could have seen the kids. And since I told him after BD he needn't only visit them at our house but could pick them up this seems like he just isnt really interested in being a father.

Not surprising I guess. But hurtful nonetheless. It seems he doesn't want me or our children.

Today he wanted to see them then cancelled last minute. I guess he has better things to do.

Who the f@ck is he now?!

Okay. Going to fix a snack. Haven't eaten yet today.