Rain75: New post re: OW

[Rain75]

Something I wrote on MBs thread but I want it on my own.

Do you know after the 1st BD (last year) i would call and text and email him constantly? Dozens of times a day. I was a sad pitiful sight. No doubt about it. He ran from that and from me right into OW arms. Oh the whining and crying and pleading and guilting. Clearly I didn't have DR in my life yet lol

This time I do though. And I have messed up soooooo many times BUT the reason I have him blocked from calling and that I am able to not contact him and only reply to his is because in the book she asks us if what we are doing is going to get us closer to what we want. And the answer to that for me is, no.

Unblocking him right now and him NOT calling will hurt me. Me calling him or texting him first and never hearing anything i want to hear will hurt me. And if I purposefully add more hurt then how is that getting me closer to my goal? If anything it's a safer bet I will lash out at him and attack him verbally or worse guilt him.

Which i admit I have done many times but at the end do I want him back out of guilt? No! I remember asking..okay BEGGING...him, to reconsider for the kids sake. That came back to bite me in the ass this as he told ow he only stayed with me for the kids. That really cut me to the core. So this time i have not and will not repeat that. Ever!

And when he asks about the kids i 90%of the time keep it short. Theyre good. In bed. Or they're exhausted we went to the park today. Etc

I do not want him back soley for the kids or out of guilt. Only out of love.

Driving by his house must stop. Why? If you see his car you feel better if you see hers you are crushed and take 10 steps back. And let me tell you. Had mine driven by my house the other day he would have seen my car...yet I was out. True it was for a walk lol but do you see it is a fleeting sense of peace that may not even be reality?

As for others that have been in your exact situation. I think Pink has. She's told me she thought they were reconciling more than once only to have the rug swept out from under her. She's great too. If you ask her about others in similar sitchs and she knows she will definitely point you to them.

I am currently reading up on t0324. I started with the good part. Where they worked it out. Where her once cold distant husband that walked away and had an A now is in love with his wife again. Planning trips, being affectionate.

Then I relaized. I didn't know how they got there. I know I need to grow. Be better. Admit my own failings and work on them. Regardless if we R or not. And thats saying a lot considering it hasn't even been a month for me since last BD. So I started at her first ever thread. It is heartbreaking. It is me.

But we are here to learn. So why do we run from it? She stumbled and fell and made mistakes but somewhere she changed her approach and it worked. She and I are scarily similar. It worked for her. Perhaps it will work for me. Perhaps not. But I don't want to have been put through this pain and hurt and NOT learn from it. I do want to be a better person, mother, sister, friend and partner.

I want the same for you MB. Do you realize even when they miss us it does not stop them from doing other things? They have A and work and hanging out. They do not seem to let however they feel about us affect them as much as we do.

I am usually a confidant, funny (sarcastic funny mostly lol) spontaneous girl. Not this sad sack always moping around. I have to get that back. We both do.