Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[Rain75]

Oh yeah MB we would paint the town red for sure!:)

Do you know after the 1st BD i would call and text and email him constantly? I was a sad pitiful sight. No doubt about it. Oh the whining and crying and pleading. Clearly I didn't have DR in my life yet lol

This time I do though. And I have messed up soooooo many times BUT the reason I have him blocked from calling and that I am able to not contact him and only reply to his is because in the book she asks us if what we are doing is going to get us closer to what we want. And the answer to that for me is, no.

Unblocking him right now and him NOT calling will hurt me. Me calling him or texting him first and never hearing anything i want to hear will hurt me. And if I purposefully add more hurt then how is that getting me closer to my goal? If anything it's a safer bet I will lash out at him and attack him verbally or worse guilt him.

Which i admit I have done many times but at the end do I want him back out of guilt? No!

Driving by his house must stop. Why? If you see his car you feel better if you see hers you are crushed and take 10 steps back. And let me tell you. Had mine driven by my house the other day he would have seen my car...yet I was out. True it was for a walk lol but do you see it is a fleeting sense of peace that may not even be reality?

As for others that have been in your exact situation. I think Pink has. She's told me she thought they were reconciling more than once only to have the rug swept out from under her. She's great too. If you ask her about others in similar sitchs and she knows she will definitely point you to them.

I am currently reading up on t0324. I started with the good part. Where they worked it out. Where her once cold distant husband that walked away and had an A now is in love with his wife again. Planning trips, being affectionate.

Then I relaized. I didn't know how they got there. I know I need to grow. Be better. Admit my own failings and work on them. Regardless if we R or not. And thats saying a lot considering it hasn't even been a month for me since last BD. So I started at her first ever thread. It is heartbreaking. It is me.

But we are here to learn. So why do we run from it? She stumbled and fell and made mistakes but somewhere she changed her approach and it worked. She and I are scarily similar. It worked for her. Perhaps it will work for me. Perhaps not. But I don't want to have been put through this pain and hurt and NOT learn from it. I do want to be a better person, mother, sister, friend and partner.

I want the same for you MB. Do you realize even when they miss us it does not stop them from doing other things? They have A and work and hanging out. They do not seem to let however they feel about us affect them as much as we do.

I am usually a confidant, funny (sarcastic funny mostly lol) spontaneous girl. Not this sad sack always moping around. I have to get that back. We both do.