Do you think he will read your recriminations and say, 'Oh, man, I've treated Ancaire and my family so bad and I have made some stupid choices. I need to fess up, show Ancaire the financials and accept her judgment of me.'
Or do you think he will get defensive and angry?
Use the attorney who knows what your rights are and how to negotiate, and let her draw up a suggestion for you. It should not include anything about how you feel about anything. This is all business.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I see your point. I'm just frustrated I can't let him know how I feel about things. But I have to agree, he would read it and react negatively. I'll send what I need to move out to my L instead, and have her suggest it to his L.
Ancare, I am certainly no expert here, but I totally agree with Painter on this one! It was a bit iffy when you were just talking about what you needed in the first 3 paragraphs as it came across a bit antagonistic. But trom paragraph 4 down it was just rehashing the marital problems, accusing, telling him how crappy and worthless he is, etc. That does not inspire anyone to want to cooperate. Believe me, I understand how you can get all fired up just putting it down in words. Consider that a vent that you posted on this forum, and take a deep breath and then let it go. Don't send the letter! It will not get you what you want and will only reinforce your H decision that he doesn't want to be with you and will push him further away making it more difficult to even work with him on things that involve the kids. Painter had the right idea when he said to let the lawyer or mediator deal with it. That's my opinion anyway.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Sending that will only end in frustration and maybe rage for you. There are no words you can give him to let him know anything. He cant hear you right now. He wont care one fig about anything you say in your letter. It will be like a slap in the face for you when he shows you just how much he does not care.
You can SHOW him you are moving on by moving on. Is there any other way, without him, to get your car? For now, can you bunk with your children? Just until you have money from your own job? You have your to-do list right there in your letter! You clearly stated what you need to move on. Now, can we do this without H at all? Actions will show him, not words.
But, if you can just stop for a second and try and refocus on this. YOU do not have to show HIM you are moving on. You do not have to show him what a jerk he is. You do not need to control his R with his kids. You are moving on because you need to do it for you. Nothing in your life has anything to do with H right now. Read that real slow, and out loud if you can:
Nothing in your life has anything to do with H right now.
It does not matter one bit how he feels about you moving on. Look at what he is doing to you. Pull back, way back and look at what you need to move on and figure out how to do that without H. You can do this!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Seriously, Painter? Why? I need to let him know I'm ready to move on. I need him to be aware of what I need in order to do so. What exactly is wrong with the letter?
Deal with WH through your L.
The letter is a very bad idea in my view.
You can not get change from WH by sending it.
It could really damage you and your position. STFU and NC.
Grey Rock.
This might very well send him into the deep vindictive.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/04/1603:25 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Believe me, I understand how you can get all fired up just putting it down in words.
Ancaire, I'm very happy you decided to not send this, but keep writing for yourself and us - it is helpful to sort out how we feel, and vent.
This is what's Ls are for, to help us in situations where we are just too emotionally upset to deal with things in a rational and businesslike manner.
As it was also said, actions speak louder than words. Since you are concerned about volatility, I would perhaps let H know with a sentence or two that 'My L is going to send you and your L some suggestions to review, just so you know.' If he asks for details, you can tell him you're not sure because you haven't seen what your L suggests yet. Hide behind your L, let her protect you. It is better that H's anger is directed towards your L than towards you.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Let me start 1. My own place kind? Type? Cost? Own? 2. With furniture rooms? Soft? Hard? 3. Deposits, moving costs, running costs.......
Now how much resource do you need to achieve this? You should be entitled to half of the contents, so can you list? Are there things you own? WH owns? Gifted?
Then this becomes a clear statement of immediate need if you leave your home.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/04/1605:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm going to have to find an apartment. They tend to be smaller, which helps keeps costs down as far as utilities go. There's also the bonus of having maintenance help. I just can't do certain things.
I have furniture - not all I need, but enough to start with.
The costs are the problem. I have no idea how I'm going to come up with the cash to do what needs doing. I'm still looking for a job, but that little "throw Judy in jail" scheme is really hurting me. I don't go to court again until January 20th. I found out I did get the job I applied for, and was so excited about. When HR ran my background, and saw the arrest for a felony, I was immediately excluded. They told me when I got that taken off I was more than welcome to reapply, but there was little they could do with that on there.
I could have had H take out a loan against the 401k, but it seems he's already done that for some reason. Probably to pay for his lawyer. I don't know how he got away with that. We weren't supposed to touch marital assets, yet he did anyway.
I really don't want to move to another city and live with my mother. I don't think I should have to, so I'm trying to come up with some way to not have to do that. I can't move in with any of the kids, for several reasons. They've been destroyed by all of this, and having mom underfoot would just strain everything more - I need to come up with a plan on my own.
That's kind of where I'm at. I'm not giving up...just brain-storming. The waiting list for public housing is over a year. I almost fainted!
It sounds like the first thing you have to do is get a job or generate cash. How about a temp job, have you checked will head hunters or employment agencies?
