Friends - I've composed the following letter to H. I would dearly love feedback on it. I think it's pretty self-explanatory, but I'm trying to work with him to get me moved out of here, while addressing a few issues that I have. I've also let him know why I'm suddenly willing to work with him on the D. Please read, and comment. I really need the help.
"H,
I’m finally on the same page with you. I’m ready to move on. I’m taking steps I need to get me moving forward. I do need some help from you on a couple of things in order to do that. First, I really need your help to get my car back. I don’t know how we can achieve that, but I can hardly take the boy’s car. It belongs to them, and they use it. I need to get a job, and I’ve got to have some way to get back and forth to work.
Second, I’m going to need a box springs and mattress for the bed that is currently in storage. I have no desire to sleep on the floor, and don’t think I should have to. If you feel unable to help me with this, I guess I’ll have to take the bedroom set that is in the master bedroom.
Third, I’ll need some help with deposit money for my new place. You already are aware that it costs money to move. Expecting to be able to relocate without funds is unrealistic. We need to work something out so that I’m able to leave.
Believe it or not, it’s not all the things you’ve done to betray me that has caused my change of heart. It is the realization that you are unwilling to care about our children more than you care about yourself. When we married, I thought I was giving my daughter a great father. Never could I have imagined that they day would come when you would be willing to cause her harm. I would never have gone on to have more children with you if I’d thought such a thing was possible. I’ve already forgiven you the wrongs you committed against me. I don’t know what was going through your head, because you certainly weren’t talking to me about it, but I know something had to have been going on that would cause you to act in such a way. I’m really sorry I didn’t see it.
The fact that you are willing to permanently change who our children are? Not so easy to forgive. I was willing to work with you, to do whatever I had to do in order to keep our family together. You refused to meet me even 1% of the way. The children could have had just a tiny little scar, one that would heal with barely a mark in the long run. You are absolutely determined to leave them with a giant, jagged wound – one requiring stitches, so that they are forever haunted by it. You know what I’m saying to be true, because you saw the exact same thing happen to me. I hate that I have to be party to hurting our children in such a way – but you’re not giving me such a choice. For that, I really will have to work hard to get to a place of forgiveness, and I am nowhere near that place now.
I’ve turned my entire schedule upside down, so that I don’t have to see you, hear you, or interact with you in any way. For now, it’s best if we continue to work through lawyers. You can reach me via e-mail if you have something that needs to be said. My disappointment in you on behalf of our beautiful family, that you feel no guilt about destroying, is such that I can barely stand to look at you.
I’m looking into exactly what I will need on a monthly basis. Maybe we can come to an agreement that doesn’t require mediation. I’m not sure – but I’ll do my best. I need you to change your password on [the bank] for one day, so that I can look through the accounts you have there and assure myself you are not hiding money. I have no reason to believe you, if you think about it. I will not touch a thing. I just want to look for myself.
You took out a loan against the 401k without talking to me about it? Surely you are aware that those are mutual funds, part of the marital assets and you had no right to do that. I need to talk to Lori about what that means for the divorce. We could have used that to take out a loan to get me what I need to move out of here, and you could have kept the balance. I’m not sure what you used the funds for – would you care to enlighten me?
I’m not willing to move in with my mother, nor should I be expected to. There was a way to help me into my own place, which you used without even talking to me about it. I’d like to have a copy of your final check stub for 2015. I know you must have received some type of bonus, which was also part of the marital assets, yet I didn’t see a penny of it.
I’ll see what I can do to get into a new place on my own. Worst case scenario is that I might have to ask you to co-sign on a six-month lease so that I am able to establish credit on my own. The fact that you refused to give me funds to pay my bills has caused me to miss payments, which is hurting my credit. I really wish that hadn’t happened, because it’s making everything so much harder than it needs to be.
I have a suggestion: Since you always run out of money the second week after payday, would you start paying me for two weeks at a time, so that you meet your agreement to pay me $120/wk? It would really help me be able to work out something with the companies that want some type of payment. I’m going to do my best to work out something with them that helps restore my credit to good standing.
This is where I’m at right now. I’m ready and willing to move on, and am taking steps to make that happen. I’ve outlined exactly what I think I’ll need. Think about it, and let me know what you think you can come up with to help. I’ll work on my divorce proposal and e-mail it to you. I’ll also be copying Lori, so that she is aware of what I’m trying to work out."
These are the main thoughts I'd like to convey. I won't send it for a while, because I'd like to get as much advice as possible. I've already made such huge mistakes, I don't want to make any more.
