Finally! 2015 is coming to an end. :-)

[Rouky]

You are an amazing and compationate person, so please never forget that. If we didn't have any feelings we wouldn't be human. You reaching out for us, shows great courage.

Take each day as it comes. We all have our good and bad ones. Please hold on to life, if God didn't feel you could handle it, he wouldn't put you through this.

Your path is already defined (like all of us here), and you are learning from your situation to be a better you as it's what God wants.

[inpain]

Ancaire, I don't have any words of wisdom, I am in a really bad place myself the last few days but I just wanted to let you know I am still hear reading you thread and wanted to send you a (((((((((((hug))))))))))))

[SciDad]

Ancaire, please try to take it one day at a time.

If you're feeling generous, try to see some beauty everyday. Even if you're not feeling generous, stick to your personal plan. GAL to get out of the damn house and into the world. You have so much to contribute to this world, but you need to get out first

I can't imagine what it is like for you, but I will always be here to support you. You deserve better and this road you're on will eventually lead to something great. I can feel it in my bones.

So chin up, hug someone when needed (are your kids huggers?), but keep at it.

[Vanilla]

I am going to say something very different Anc.


These are just feelings, that's all feelings.

Not facts, not thoughts, or actions just feelings.

You have them and face them because they will heal you. If you walk to the pain to the feelings they will change. Deny them and they cling and reemerge. This way there is no guilt or shame. All of us have these thoughts if we are codependent or abused. We are coming to awareness.

Breathe, observe and write. Watch the feelings, accept them, you are exactly where you need to be.

Your mind is working out what it needs and your more primitive part is finding this unfamiliar, so stuff is being thrown up from your more primitive limbic brain.

It is creating fire storms of feelings. Let them unfold, feel them, observe them.

Say thank you for the gift of them, feelings, thoughts are not behaviours. They just are.

I will let you into a big secret, this rush follows the numb. The numb is over, this is change. This is feelings, just watch observe, and write. I can not explain how important it is to write down all of the issues with WH. You may need it in case a sweet cycle starts.

I am looking forward to your anger, the next stage I think.

The programming WH gave you won't go as it is from a deeper place, it's up to you to find the tools to over write it with your own programming and you can have all the assistance you need to repair all of this. Mindfulness (observation) is the key, from that you can request feedback and absorb the best.

It's ok, it's right on schedule.

All manipulated Rs have this phase in breakup.

You are on your path, new realisations will come. Subjectivity will become objectivity.

V

[Ancaire]

Wow, Vanilla. That is a lot to think about. I am going to follow your advice and start writing it all out. I often feel overwhelmed from the size of the storm going on in my head. I can see that writing it out, thinking about it, and pinpointing what/where/how I can make changes will be a huge help to me. Hopefully, it'll keep my from drowning in despair again.

Anger? Gosh, I really hope not. I do get angry periodically, but I usually settle myself down right away, by reminding myself I absolutely do not want to become a bitter, angry person. I was well on my way there during my M, although I was completely aware of it at the time. I just knew I didn't have the M I wanted - that it wasn't fulfilling any part of me, other than having health insurance and a roof over my head. H has been "gone" for the past couple of years. I just didn't see it, really, until he wanted to be physically gone, too.

He started changing a couple of years back, right after his mother passed away. I often felt alone, abandoned, and would complain bitterly about that. That's why he proclaimed that I was becoming "mean" - I was making snide comments about his new friends and activities. I could have handled that a different way, but I think his new path had already begun, and I just didn't see it for what it was.

I'm working on becoming grateful. Grateful that I still have time to become the person I was meant to be. Grateful that I've realized what an empty M I've had for the past few years. I completely disagree with H, that D is the answer - but as long as he's emotionally battering me the way he is, I need to be far away from him for my own safety. I've seen a look on his face a few times recently that absolutely scares me. I know he wants to hit me. He's just reminding himself he can't. What happens if this kettle boils over, and he doesn't remember?

He could hurt me really badly. Then, when he wakes up one day - he'll have to deal with that, too. I don't want that for him, V. He's got enough to be sorry for. For my safety, I need to be out of his way - and soon.

He's going to find me very willing today to work on concrete steps to get me out of here. Yes, he's being somewhat "nice" now - but I don't trust it. I'm resolved that until he actually comes to me, broken, and deeply apologetic, anything he does will be pure manipulation. I realize now he's been doing this for years - throwing me enough crumbs to keep me quiet and still, until he was ready to jump.

He wasn't showing much integrity doing it that way - meeting other women, signing up on dating sites, and then coming home to me and pretending everything was fine, until our youngest reached some magical age in his head when it would be okay for him to do whatever it is he wants to do.

I'm struck, when I listen to him, but his sheer selfishness. Everything, every single thing, has to do with him, his feelings, his "suffering" while being married to me, and how I ruined his life. I was exactly where he needed me to be, so that he could do what he wanted with little interference at all! I see it so clearly now.

But I'm not really angry - just kind of resigned. I am angry with him that he doesn't love our children enough to always put them first. I've come to terms with everything else. We started out on the same parenting principle - no matter what, we would always do what was in the best interests of our children. Destroying our family is absolutely not in their best interests. It's in his, so he can do what he wants without feeling guilty about it. He seems to think this piece of paper is going to make everything legal and okay.

I personally believe it's going to haunt him - especially when he figures out I believe that piece of paper means he no longer gets to tell me what to do. I'll still believe I'm married, and will conduct myself with dignity and in a way that I have no guilty conscience and regrets to live with. But his little piece of paper means he just bought the rights to never get to tell me what to do again.

The very fact that he's trying to force me to go live with my mother tells me he's still trying to control me. I remember his voice when he asked if I'd been with anyone else to get revenge on him. He was truly shaken by the possibility. What does he think D means? That he gets to do whatever he wants to do, while I sit around pining for him? I've got a sneaking suspicion that is exactly what he's attempting to do. He's trying to put me into a place that he thinks will keep me from moving on.

I have no intention of telling him my thoughts about it. I've told him once, and if he doesn't remember, that's his problem. I'm going to focus exclusively on me, get as healthy as I can, let a LOT of time go by, and then see how I feel about things. I hope I can keep him from finding out where I am, but the kids make that rough. They are easily manipulated by him, and he would go about finding out in a way that they wouldn't see what he was doing. I'll cross that bridge later.

The fact of the matter is that I've completely turned my schedule upside down, so that I don't ever have to see him. When he's home working, I'm sleeping. I wake up in later afternoon, when he's safely gone - and do what I need to do through the night. It's making my life a LOT easier. His selfishness and willingness to put the kids through this disgusts me in a way I never thought possible.

We could have repaired this situation in a way that they would have had just a small scar, one that healed over with just a mark. His determination to chase happiness around by becoming a woman chasing drunk means they're going to have a huge, jagged scar - one requiring stitches, that marks them forever. His actions are changing who they are forever. I'm having a LOT of difficulty with that thought.

So much so, that I can't stand to look at him. He repulses me, the way he is now. I AM angry with him for putting himself before our children. He knows how much this hurts a person, because he watched it change me when my dad did the exact same thing. He put my mother to the side so that he could be with someone else. He was happy for about five years, then I had to listen to his regrets for the next ten years, until he died. It really did a number on me. And H was there for the whole thing - he just doesn't want to admit that the D literally changed who I was, because then he'd have to face the fact he's doing the exact same thing to our children. Chances are good I'll point this out to him. I really and truly am disgusted by him and can't wait to get to a place where I don't have to see him, talk to him, or hear anything about him.

I guess I am a little bit angry. I just don't want that anger to define me. I'm just going to move on, seeking wholeness and health, and leave H to his own mess. I'll likely never stop caring, or hoping that one day he sees the truth, and will want to make amends - but I promise, I won't hold my breath for that. The way he's going, he's likely going to knock someone up, and then have a whole new set of problems he didn't have to have. The fact that he failed to use protection with OW absolutely floored me. He's 50 years old! Surely he knows better than that?

I'll talk to him one day this week about what I need to move. Hopefully, he'll be helpful, since he's so insistent this is what he wants. Throwing me out without a penny isn't really a good way to help me out of his life. I'll attempt reasoning with him from the point of view of helping him get what he wants. If I appeal to his selfish side, I should have some success.

This is not what I wanted, V. It makes me really sad, because the truth is, he used to be a really great husband and father. I keep reading about MLC to improve my understanding, but there's always that little doubt. He seems so sane, like he knows exactly what he's doing and why, so it makes me doubt. But this version of H is absolutely not the person I married. That person had integrity, strong beliefs, and commitment. This person acts like those qualities are foreign thoughts to him.

All of you are correct though...I have hit absolute bottom. I can choose to stay here, or move upwards and onwards. I'm choosing to move. I have to, both for me, and my children. I don't want them worrying about me constantly. I can do better, and I will.

[JksD]

(((( Ancaire ))))

I don't know what to say but I am offering you my virtual listening ears.

[Ancaire]

Friends - I've composed the following letter to H. I would dearly love feedback on it. I think it's pretty self-explanatory, but I'm trying to work with him to get me moved out of here, while addressing a few issues that I have. I've also let him know why I'm suddenly willing to work with him on the D. Please read, and comment. I really need the help.

"H,

I’m finally on the same page with you. I’m ready to move on. I’m taking steps I need to get me moving forward. I do need some help from you on a couple of things in order to do that. First, I really need your help to get my car back. I don’t know how we can achieve that, but I can hardly take the boy’s car. It belongs to them, and they use it. I need to get a job, and I’ve got to have some way to get back and forth to work.

Second, I’m going to need a box springs and mattress for the bed that is currently in storage. I have no desire to sleep on the floor, and don’t think I should have to. If you feel unable to help me with this, I guess I’ll have to take the bedroom set that is in the master bedroom.

Third, I’ll need some help with deposit money for my new place. You already are aware that it costs money to move. Expecting to be able to relocate without funds is unrealistic. We need to work something out so that I’m able to leave.

Believe it or not, it’s not all the things you’ve done to betray me that has caused my change of heart. It is the realization that you are unwilling to care about our children more than you care about yourself. When we married, I thought I was giving my daughter a great father. Never could I have imagined that they day would come when you would be willing to cause her harm. I would never have gone on to have more children with you if I’d thought such a thing was possible. I’ve already forgiven you the wrongs you committed against me. I don’t know what was going through your head, because you certainly weren’t talking to me about it, but I know something had to have been going on that would cause you to act in such a way. I’m really sorry I didn’t see it.

The fact that you are willing to permanently change who our children are? Not so easy to forgive. I was willing to work with you, to do whatever I had to do in order to keep our family together. You refused to meet me even 1% of the way. The children could have had just a tiny little scar, one that would heal with barely a mark in the long run. You are absolutely determined to leave them with a giant, jagged wound – one requiring stitches, so that they are forever haunted by it. You know what I’m saying to be true, because you saw the exact same thing happen to me. I hate that I have to be party to hurting our children in such a way – but you’re not giving me such a choice. For that, I really will have to work hard to get to a place of forgiveness, and I am nowhere near that place now.

I’ve turned my entire schedule upside down, so that I don’t have to see you, hear you, or interact with you in any way. For now, it’s best if we continue to work through lawyers. You can reach me via e-mail if you have something that needs to be said. My disappointment in you on behalf of our beautiful family, that you feel no guilt about destroying, is such that I can barely stand to look at you.

I’m looking into exactly what I will need on a monthly basis. Maybe we can come to an agreement that doesn’t require mediation. I’m not sure – but I’ll do my best. I need you to change your password on [the bank] for one day, so that I can look through the accounts you have there and assure myself you are not hiding money. I have no reason to believe you, if you think about it. I will not touch a thing. I just want to look for myself.

You took out a loan against the 401k without talking to me about it? Surely you are aware that those are mutual funds, part of the marital assets and you had no right to do that. I need to talk to Lori about what that means for the divorce. We could have used that to take out a loan to get me what I need to move out of here, and you could have kept the balance. I’m not sure what you used the funds for – would you care to enlighten me?

I’m not willing to move in with my mother, nor should I be expected to. There was a way to help me into my own place, which you used without even talking to me about it. I’d like to have a copy of your final check stub for 2015. I know you must have received some type of bonus, which was also part of the marital assets, yet I didn’t see a penny of it.

I’ll see what I can do to get into a new place on my own. Worst case scenario is that I might have to ask you to co-sign on a six-month lease so that I am able to establish credit on my own. The fact that you refused to give me funds to pay my bills has caused me to miss payments, which is hurting my credit. I really wish that hadn’t happened, because it’s making everything so much harder than it needs to be.

I have a suggestion: Since you always run out of money the second week after payday, would you start paying me for two weeks at a time, so that you meet your agreement to pay me $120/wk? It would really help me be able to work out something with the companies that want some type of payment. I’m going to do my best to work out something with them that helps restore my credit to good standing.

This is where I’m at right now. I’m ready and willing to move on, and am taking steps to make that happen. I’ve outlined exactly what I think I’ll need. Think about it, and let me know what you think you can come up with to help. I’ll work on my divorce proposal and e-mail it to you. I’ll also be copying Lori, so that she is aware of what I’m trying to work out."

These are the main thoughts I'd like to convey. I won't send it for a while, because I'd like to get as much advice as possible. I've already made such huge mistakes, I don't want to make any more.

Thanks!

[Painter]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Focusing on becoming healthy and independent will benefit you regardless what happens. Stay safe! I hope you can get back on a normal æeep cycle soon, itks healthier on the body.

Anger isn't going to last forever or define you, so allow yourself to feel it. Stuffing it is not going to work well or be healthy.

[Painter]

OMG, no, please don't send this! You will start a firestorm. This letter is very angry and recriminating, and will not make him work with you.

Please let your L deal with what's needed for your financial security.

[Ancaire]

Seriously, Painter? Why? I need to let him know I'm ready to move on. I need him to be aware of what I need in order to do so. What exactly is wrong with the letter?