Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

Thanks Rain, you're very sweet! It's REALLY a shame that you don't live by me. We could totally GAL together! We could drag each other out to go painting, or yoga, or whatever just to get out of the house.

I do hope today is a better day. Yesterday SUCKED royally. I have been up all night long reading and rereading threads. I jumped down to the MLC section. I reread Sandi's rules for the umpteenth time. I read other's posts. Seriously, alllllll night long that's what I did. Then, since the sun came up all I can think of is that H is at work and I really want to call and talk to him. OMG! I so wish I could turn my mind off for just a while. And, no, I haven't called him. Can't promise that I won't, but, I'm working hard to keep my hands off my phone. LOL

As for driving by last night, I haven't been able to stop doing that. He lives 1 mile from me and it's just too easy to do. I already knew he was at home, it just gives me a little peace to see his car sitting in the driveway even if only for a minute. I did want to make sure OW wasn't there, but I was already sure...I just needed to see one more time. I know I'm pathetic doing that. I really do. It's just that it's all the reassurance that I ever get, so it's hard to give up. It's especially hard since just a few days ago he said he wanted our marriage to work....and then he changed his mind and I don't know why. Then, add the fact that the OW came into his house while we were there together. I wish I could erase that memory, but it's burned into my brain for the rest of my life. It was just such a cruel thing for her to do. I mean seriously, she saw my car there why not just keep on driving and come back an hour later. It's really all I can think about and it plays over and over again in my head. Such a cruel thing for her to do..... I can think of no reason for her to do that other than to hurt ME.

You're right, I did get dressed and made myself (and my friend) go out. I knew from my experience over the last 3 months that if I sat here in my apartment I was just going to focus on the pain and loneliness and it was just going to feel so much worse. I just wish H could have the opportunity to feel this way for just a week! And, of course, I wouldn't mind if the OW could feel this pain for the next YEAR.

I am usually much more of an upbeat person than this, I just can't seem to shake this cloud of doom that enveloped me when he threw me away again on New Year's Day. Hoping to come out of it soon because it's a miserable place to be. Thanks for your kind words Rain. I do hope that you have a wonderful and pain free day today.