Hello, M! I'm doing well, thank you. I'm still frightened about where I'm going to end up, but I am working hard on getting concrete plans in place so that it's not a "thought" but a reality. It's harder to fear something that is in place than it is a thought about the worst that could happen.
I'm at peace, as much as I can be. I've accepted my old M is dead. It needed to be. I have no idea what the future will bring - but I am determined to have a future. Will we ever R? I don't know. I am positive, though, that if I want a chance at ever being happy, now is the time to start living for myself. So, I'm putting steps in place to make that a reality.
I needed H for two things: health insurance and a roof over my head. I wanted to be with him for everything else: companionship, intimacy, and a friend. He's chosen to seek those things elsewhere. I've accepted that, broken heart and all. I'm going to work out a new way to take care of my health needs, and I will work out something to put a roof over my own head. I think that will go a long way to proving to myself I can do it - as well as forcing H to respect me for being able to do it.
I think he believes that's all I wanted him around for. It's not - but it's hard to "prove it" when it is really what I needed most from him. I need to do something for myself. I've woken up to that fact, and I'm going to do it. All by myself. I absolutely believe this is my best shot at repairing my own self-esteem, while at the same time proving to H that I didn't stay with him because I had no other choice.
It breaks my heart that he says I never loved him. I did, with all that I have in me. But the fact that he doubts it? There's room for some introspection in that statement. I'm sold on DBing, if only for becoming the person I was meant to be. If I get my H back one day, that's just icing on the cake. But I want the H I married back - not this cruel, pale imitation. I just know I've got time to do what I need to do, and I have what it takes to get it done...for myself.
Your right, most of what's motivating me is my children, but I feel a longing from my core for the same things. I don't want someone who feels obligated to stay with me. I want someone who likes me, who wants to have me around because I'm good company. H and I lost that. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I'm okay with it.
