Hello, M! I'm doing well, thank you. I'm still frightened about where I'm going to end up, but I am working hard on getting concrete plans in place so that it's not a "thought" but a reality. It's harder to fear something that is in place than it is a thought about the worst that could happen.
I'm at peace, as much as I can be. I've accepted my old M is dead. It needed to be. I have no idea what the future will bring - but I am determined to have a future. Will we ever R? I don't know. I am positive, though, that if I want a chance at ever being happy, now is the time to start living for myself. So, I'm putting steps in place to make that a reality.
I needed H for two things: health insurance and a roof over my head. I wanted to be with him for everything else: companionship, intimacy, and a friend. He's chosen to seek those things elsewhere. I've accepted that, broken heart and all. I'm going to work out a new way to take care of my health needs, and I will work out something to put a roof over my own head. I think that will go a long way to proving to myself I can do it - as well as forcing H to respect me for being able to do it.
I think he believes that's all I wanted him around for. It's not - but it's hard to "prove it" when it is really what I needed most from him. I need to do something for myself. I've woken up to that fact, and I'm going to do it. All by myself. I absolutely believe this is my best shot at repairing my own self-esteem, while at the same time proving to H that I didn't stay with him because I had no other choice.
It breaks my heart that he says I never loved him. I did, with all that I have in me. But the fact that he doubts it? There's room for some introspection in that statement. I'm sold on DBing, if only for becoming the person I was meant to be. If I get my H back one day, that's just icing on the cake. But I want the H I married back - not this cruel, pale imitation. I just know I've got time to do what I need to do, and I have what it takes to get it done...for myself.
Your right, most of what's motivating me is my children, but I feel a longing from my core for the same things. I don't want someone who feels obligated to stay with me. I want someone who likes me, who wants to have me around because I'm good company. H and I lost that. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I'm okay with it.
My goal is to just drop the problem of fixing the marriage. I understand that means to live my life well with kindness and love for my wife and children. I think I will be able to drop the subject, my problem is I cause myself stress when I am around her.
My personality in regards to her at this time is one of no confidence, weakness and subservience. I feel the sword of Damocles hanging over my head. She is cool and removed emotional to me, this could be a defensive measure. I think this is hard on her and that's part of the reason she stays in her room. Through our limited interactions she must pick up on my vibe. My question is how do I manage my emotions so that I give off a positive feeling. I prefer to radiate sunshine instead of being a dark gloomy day.
How do you effect this change under these circumstances?
I don't have the time to answer as much as I would like. I have so many comments about what you wrote in the last half of the last thread.
I think you need to back off W. You are pressuring her. Limbo [censored] but the uncertainty that accompanies it is hopeful. As long as there is uncertainty it is not over. Put too much pressure on and she will become certain but certain she wants out.
You cannot R with W whilst she is as she is. So use this time for you. Refocus on you.
From what you said she is angry and resentful about your behavior over 15 years. This is in the past.You cannot change it and you are changing you. She will have to work through that on her own.but it is good she is not saying that you are an A££hole. Maybe she does not believe you are now. Again keep working on improving YOU.
You intervened in a lousy situation.You stopped it and dealt with the aftermath with kids. Learn the lesson and move on.
I don't think your M is hopeless, but the path will be long. You have time so you can afford to stop focusing on it and W. Easy to say but still good advice.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roiste, you said: I don't have the time to answer as much as I would like. I have so many comments about what you wrote in the last half of the last thread.
Please, when you find the time please share you thoughts. You have been a trusted adviser with good insights. I would love to hear them. Thank you Roiste.
I feel a behavior change coming for me. It's already rooted in my mind but my heart is not there yet. Because of this I am not at ease and anxious. I resist it because I'm scared.
I read this in Wikipedia:
Sword of Damocles[edit] According to the story, Damocles was pandering to Dionysius, his king, and exclaimed to him that he was truly fortunate as a great man of power and authority, surrounded by magnificence. Dionysius then offered to switch places with Damocles so that Damocles could taste that very fortune firsthand. Damocles quickly and eagerly accepted the king's proposal. Damocles sat down in the king's throne surrounded by every luxury, but Dionysius arranged that a huge sword should hang above the throne, held at the pommel only by a single hair of a horse's tail. Damocles finally begged the king that he be allowed to depart because he no longer wanted to be so fortunate, realizing that with great fortune and power comes also great responsibility (and danger).[2][1]
King Dionysius effectively conveyed the sense of constant fear in which a great man may live. Cicero used this story as the last in a series of contrasting examples for reaching the conclusion he had been moving towards in this fifth Disputation, in which the theme is that virtue is sufficient for living a happy life.[3][4] Cicero asks, "Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?"[5]
Cicero's insight, his question, the last sentence is exactly where I am. I am deeply troubled by the potential end of my marriage. How do I stop living in fear?
I hate that sword, I feel it always present above my head as well.
mut, you stop living in fear by facing the fear head on. You have said a few times before you are scared of detaching because that could mean that you will stop loving your wife. Love is a decision. If you wanted to, you could take this for a tiny test drive. This will be hard and surreal, but tell yourself, and make yourself believe for just the next hour that you do NOT love your wife. Dont worry, at the end of the hour you can go back to deciding to love her again. I just want you to see what an hour feels like in your worst nightmare, you no longer love your wife. If you try it, you will see your life is not so bad.
Love is a decision. You can decide to drink coffee or you can get wild and crazy and decide on a cup of tea. You can decide to love your wife no matter what and go to crazytown or you can decide that to love her right now is only hurting you, your children and her. You can decide to love her enough to give her what she wants, which is the absence of your love.
But before you get too afraid, remember, love is a decision. If you get into trouble, you can just decide to love her again. You are on a journey. All you need to focus on is tiny baby steps to get a little closer to your goal.
I also want to put it out there, you are the father. If you want to yell at your children for behaving badly, and preventing someone from getting hurt, you yell! In what universe did it become a bad idea for a father to yell at the kids? I would kill for a father to yell at my children most days. They need it. You need it.
I understand there is some past issues. But dont overkill change. You are the strong, stable father they need, no matter how your W feels about it.
Now start your hour of no love and come back and admit it was kinda liberating...
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Once you choose to not love, other emotions fill the whole. In your sit, it would be so easy for anger and resentment to poison you and overflow that hole. At the minimum, try to look at her with pity and compassion, but make sure it does not morph into love for that hour. You can pity something without attaching yourself to it.
It takes practice, but the good news is she is giving you the gift of time to practice it.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Hi Mona, I tried it but didn't. Let me explain. I was eating lunch when I agreed to try the experiment. I said to myself right after lunch I'll begin. So I'm thinking about it a little till lunch ends, composing myself. I get back to work and the next thing I know is its 2 hours later and I read your last post. After that last post I did not think about my wife until I was in IC. I am in better spirits now.
What happened? Did preparing break the mindset? What ever took place it worked. I did not think of her one bit. Spooky weird.
