New guy

[mbebos]

Made it through the holidays. I do not know which was harder, Christmas 4 day weekend with lots of people around, or the New Year 4 day weekend with almost no one around. Didn't do much, aside from a family visit with my siblings I reunited with after 20 years, last summer. I have only seen one of them somewhat regularly, and the others only once, so it was weird, and awkward. I was in a house with 40 people, and never felt so lonely. My W was a source of strength when dad died, and during the awkward reuniting process, and I had to do it alone this time. I stayed as late as I could stand to, but I still carry those feeling I felt as an 11 or 12 year old boy who felt abandoned so long ago. At 34 I feel like I should be stronger than this, but my life has been one cycle of abandonment after another.

Dad left when I was 12, and I had to choose between him and his side of my family. Because he was making the effort I chose him, but I resented him for making me choose until he died. I resented them for waiting 15 years to reach out, and he made me choose again, and again I chose him, and my resentment grew and he and I lost our relationship. Right at the end before he died, he buried the hatchet with his kids, and I was "allowed" to see them again and still see him for the last couple months of his life.

Mom's family started dropping like flies about 10 years ago. Mom, cousin, aunts and uncles, all dead in my twenties. I have 2 aunts left. One is a nun for almost 70 years, and does not like me, and the other lives very far away. What remaining family I do have dislikes me because I wouldn't take in my brother (the one I grew up with at home) when he got out of jail 5 or so years ago, when the W and I were going through our fertility issues and never being able to have children. I couldn't have that poison in my life, and he is 10 years older than me, and a child. They all resent me, and not his W who left him in the dust when she had a lot to do with his incarceration.

Just trying to figure out how to reunite with my dad's side of the family, when so much time has passed. They aren't super close knit. Last year they didn't even see each other at the holidays, this year they all got together twice. I am just not sure about all of it, but I am keeping an open mind.

On the friends side of things, people are just too busy with their own families. Last night our normal Sunday night supper club get together, no one answered my calls/texts, and no one showed up to eat the big meal I cooked. I didn't even eat it, I put it in the fridge bummed out. Most of the group are just unreliable people that wake up, work, drink, sleep. Two of the people, a married couple, had an excuse as her father had a heart attack. Turns out, the rest of them were at one of the other couple's apartment, doing the same thing we normally do, and I got completely ignored. (there is a mix of singles and couples, so it isn't that).

Really crap weekend. Just glad the holidays are finally done.