Wow, Vanilla. That is a lot to think about. I am going to follow your advice and start writing it all out. I often feel overwhelmed from the size of the storm going on in my head. I can see that writing it out, thinking about it, and pinpointing what/where/how I can make changes will be a huge help to me. Hopefully, it'll keep my from drowning in despair again.
Anger? Gosh, I really hope not. I do get angry periodically, but I usually settle myself down right away, by reminding myself I absolutely do not want to become a bitter, angry person. I was well on my way there during my M, although I was completely aware of it at the time. I just knew I didn't have the M I wanted - that it wasn't fulfilling any part of me, other than having health insurance and a roof over my head. H has been "gone" for the past couple of years. I just didn't see it, really, until he wanted to be physically gone, too.
He started changing a couple of years back, right after his mother passed away. I often felt alone, abandoned, and would complain bitterly about that. That's why he proclaimed that I was becoming "mean" - I was making snide comments about his new friends and activities. I could have handled that a different way, but I think his new path had already begun, and I just didn't see it for what it was.
I'm working on becoming grateful. Grateful that I still have time to become the person I was meant to be. Grateful that I've realized what an empty M I've had for the past few years. I completely disagree with H, that D is the answer - but as long as he's emotionally battering me the way he is, I need to be far away from him for my own safety. I've seen a look on his face a few times recently that absolutely scares me. I know he wants to hit me. He's just reminding himself he can't. What happens if this kettle boils over, and he doesn't remember?
He could hurt me really badly. Then, when he wakes up one day - he'll have to deal with that, too. I don't want that for him, V. He's got enough to be sorry for. For my safety, I need to be out of his way - and soon.
He's going to find me very willing today to work on concrete steps to get me out of here. Yes, he's being somewhat "nice" now - but I don't trust it. I'm resolved that until he actually comes to me, broken, and deeply apologetic, anything he does will be pure manipulation. I realize now he's been doing this for years - throwing me enough crumbs to keep me quiet and still, until he was ready to jump.
He wasn't showing much integrity doing it that way - meeting other women, signing up on dating sites, and then coming home to me and pretending everything was fine, until our youngest reached some magical age in his head when it would be okay for him to do whatever it is he wants to do.
I'm struck, when I listen to him, but his sheer selfishness. Everything, every single thing, has to do with him, his feelings, his "suffering" while being married to me, and how I ruined his life. I was exactly where he needed me to be, so that he could do what he wanted with little interference at all! I see it so clearly now.
But I'm not really angry - just kind of resigned. I am angry with him that he doesn't love our children enough to always put them first. I've come to terms with everything else. We started out on the same parenting principle - no matter what, we would always do what was in the best interests of our children. Destroying our family is absolutely not in their best interests. It's in his, so he can do what he wants without feeling guilty about it. He seems to think this piece of paper is going to make everything legal and okay.
I personally believe it's going to haunt him - especially when he figures out I believe that piece of paper means he no longer gets to tell me what to do. I'll still believe I'm married, and will conduct myself with dignity and in a way that I have no guilty conscience and regrets to live with. But his little piece of paper means he just bought the rights to never get to tell me what to do again.
The very fact that he's trying to force me to go live with my mother tells me he's still trying to control me. I remember his voice when he asked if I'd been with anyone else to get revenge on him. He was truly shaken by the possibility. What does he think D means? That he gets to do whatever he wants to do, while I sit around pining for him? I've got a sneaking suspicion that is exactly what he's attempting to do. He's trying to put me into a place that he thinks will keep me from moving on.
I have no intention of telling him my thoughts about it. I've told him once, and if he doesn't remember, that's his problem. I'm going to focus exclusively on me, get as healthy as I can, let a LOT of time go by, and then see how I feel about things. I hope I can keep him from finding out where I am, but the kids make that rough. They are easily manipulated by him, and he would go about finding out in a way that they wouldn't see what he was doing. I'll cross that bridge later.
The fact of the matter is that I've completely turned my schedule upside down, so that I don't ever have to see him. When he's home working, I'm sleeping. I wake up in later afternoon, when he's safely gone - and do what I need to do through the night. It's making my life a LOT easier. His selfishness and willingness to put the kids through this disgusts me in a way I never thought possible.
We could have repaired this situation in a way that they would have had just a small scar, one that healed over with just a mark. His determination to chase happiness around by becoming a woman chasing drunk means they're going to have a huge, jagged scar - one requiring stitches, that marks them forever. His actions are changing who they are forever. I'm having a LOT of difficulty with that thought.
So much so, that I can't stand to look at him. He repulses me, the way he is now. I AM angry with him for putting himself before our children. He knows how much this hurts a person, because he watched it change me when my dad did the exact same thing. He put my mother to the side so that he could be with someone else. He was happy for about five years, then I had to listen to his regrets for the next ten years, until he died. It really did a number on me. And H was there for the whole thing - he just doesn't want to admit that the D literally changed who I was, because then he'd have to face the fact he's doing the exact same thing to our children. Chances are good I'll point this out to him. I really and truly am disgusted by him and can't wait to get to a place where I don't have to see him, talk to him, or hear anything about him.
I guess I am a little bit angry. I just don't want that anger to define me. I'm just going to move on, seeking wholeness and health, and leave H to his own mess. I'll likely never stop caring, or hoping that one day he sees the truth, and will want to make amends - but I promise, I won't hold my breath for that. The way he's going, he's likely going to knock someone up, and then have a whole new set of problems he didn't have to have. The fact that he failed to use protection with OW absolutely floored me. He's 50 years old! Surely he knows better than that?
I'll talk to him one day this week about what I need to move. Hopefully, he'll be helpful, since he's so insistent this is what he wants. Throwing me out without a penny isn't really a good way to help me out of his life. I'll attempt reasoning with him from the point of view of helping him get what he wants. If I appeal to his selfish side, I should have some success.
This is not what I wanted, V. It makes me really sad, because the truth is, he used to be a really great husband and father. I keep reading about MLC to improve my understanding, but there's always that little doubt. He seems so sane, like he knows exactly what he's doing and why, so it makes me doubt. But this version of H is absolutely not the person I married. That person had integrity, strong beliefs, and commitment. This person acts like those qualities are foreign thoughts to him.
All of you are correct though...I have hit absolute bottom. I can choose to stay here, or move upwards and onwards. I'm choosing to move. I have to, both for me, and my children. I don't want them worrying about me constantly. I can do better, and I will.
