Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

Got interrupted, but to finish my thoughts on this. I felt like I had to wear a mask all day every day because anyone that saw my desire would scream and run. My deepest desire was that my W would be able to look upon my 'face' and love me. To me that mean opening up, telling her what was in my heart, then having her accept me. Telling me that I was a pervert, or wasn't a Godly man, well, to me that would be telling me that the parts of me that weren't convenient were from the devil.

I never felt like porn created those desires. I felt that I used porn to fulfill them. As I mentioned, it served the needs by making me feel UNDERSTOOD and VALIDATED and ACCEPTED. Someone clearly understood my desires, and it simulated acceptance.

Now, I know XW didn't feel that way. She felt cheapened and used when she'd act submissively with me. She felt that if I loved her I wouldn't put her in a spot where she wasn't comfortable. I felt if she loved me she would want to do this for me. But I know I cannot ever put a woman in a spot where she's uncomfortable or get so caught up in my desires I trample her feelings. This is why I have worked hard to fill the bottomless pit.

Oh, and I understand there are many different situations. Some men are turning away physical affection (maybe because they feel they're only getting affection as long as they wear a mask). Some women are sex deprived. And everything varies. This is hard to write about, and there are a lot of flip sides to this that I've wrestled with and continue to. Not suggesting I have answers, only talking about the struggles I've had.