Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

Zues - thanks for sharing this (sorry to jump in Julie). Can I ask for clarification on one sentance:
"It was obvious that she was letting me take the lead in the sexual arena, and I never felt more loved or connected."
What do you mean here, by "letting you take the lead"... do you mean just not rejecting/saying no, or something else?

Trying to keep to less than an R rating but it's probably relevant and within bounds. I will say that what specifically made me feel incredibly fulfilled was when she would listen to my fantasies and desires. One thing I enjoyed was erotic literature. I even wrote a few stories. I really enjoyed talking about what turned me on, and why. Not that I wanted to act on it, it was just how I felt understood. And one I did want to act out, if you'd call it a fantasy. It was when she would let me be dominant, and she would be very submissive. Oh, I know it's easy to say this is all twisted and pornified. I never felt that way. To me it made perfect sense.

See, as a man you are perpetually out of control in the sexual arena. Desire rules over you all the time. Women have the control over your needs. Neglect and rejection are incredibly painful. So, for me to have a little window where she would allow me to be in charge, to not say no (within the realms of things I knew she was ok with)...it made me feel safe, secure, loved, and UNDERSTOOD. I don't believe it was 'pornified' because during the times she did this for me I felt more connected and closer with her than ever, I would never think of anyone else nor want anyone else, because it felt like only she in the world understood my heart, and loved and accepted me the way I was. This didn't mean we weren't equals in our marriage or in our bedroom...just that this was a form of play that moved me powerfully. This pattern of me opening up about my sexuality (a part of myself I keep secret from EVERYONE else), and then her approving of my by giving herself to me unyielding...this was just tremendous.

If you see my last post you'll get why. I did and do feel shame about my desire, so this was a way she could give me the affirmation in a focused way where I craved it most.

That is why I understood your H's desire for intimacy the other night. He opened up his deepest self, the part he's afraid to share with anyone, and accepting and loving him for being himself is something I'm sure he desires.

Anyway, one thing I can say is that I'm no longer a bottomless pit. I love myself. I am much more secure. I am much more disciplined and don't see myself making some of the same mistakes. But still, I still long for that type of connection with a woman, that type of understanding and fulfillment. I don't think this is abnormal, I get why it is so powerful for me and would hope that my life partner can understand and roll with it sometimes...we'll see what the future holds.