Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

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Hi, Rain. Today was a looooong and lonely day. It really is just like starting over again. I was enjoying talking to him every day and getting to see him. He has been my best friend for the past 12 years. And, now, he's just gone, AGAIN. It's like the last 3 months didn't even happen and I'm right back at the original BD. I miss him so much. I only cried 3 times today. Tried to sleep because I had to work tonight, then they called me off and put me "on call." UGH! I can't catch a break!!! Aside from needing the $, I just really needed to work and try to keep my mind off of things. Sigh..... So, I picked myself up, got dressed and put on makeup, then I went to a friend's house and told her to get dressed because we were going to town. We went to two new stores in town and checked them out, then went to Applebee's for a late dinner. Got back home around 10. Then, I took one of my daughter's to Wal Mart to buy some cat food and a few groceries. Just got home about 30 minutes ago. I drove by his house on my way home while my daughter kept telling me NOT to go by there. Just had to see if OW car was there. Heck, who am I kidding, I did it because for just a second, I felt close to him again and it gave me just a little peace to know he was there in that house. Now I'm fighting back tears again and wondering when I will ever feel okay. I took a Xanax earlier to get my hands to stop shaking. Pretty sure it's wearing off. I hate my life!