You are loveable, kind, caring and a wonderful woman. At the moment you feel like that because you are going through a traumatic experience and your confidence has been knocked down. It feels like the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with doesn't love you, so who would?
I felt the same like you and you need to change that thought. I know it's hard but you need to love yourself first. Easier said than done! This works for me, and it might sound silly but every morning when I put some make up on I tell myself in front of the mirror I'm beautiful and I love you. It was uncomfortable to start with and now I believe it!
The urge I have to write something to H, say something to H, anything so that he wants to come back is overwhelming me right now. So I'll put it here instead. This is what I want to say/write to my H:
H, I have made no secret of the fact that I am devastated to have lost you and that I would like to build a better M with you. I do not believe that D is the answer to our problems, I feel it will create more problems in both of our lives and in the lives of our children, but I also know that it is not a choice that I can make. The time has come for me to prove my love for you by letting you go. By respecting your decision to D.
With that in mind I would like to say sorry. I am sorry that I have caused you so much unbearable pain that you feel that D is your only option. I understand now that I have must have caused you an immense amount of pain for you to feel that living the life you do now is preferable to working on a R with me. I also want to thank you. I know we've had an incredibly tough few years and I want to thank you for trying so hard to make it work and make me happy. I know I pushed you away repeatedly. Looking at it now in the cold light of day I don't have the foggiest idea why I pushed you away and reacted negatively to everything you tried. All I ever wanted was for it to work out and I know now that I've sabotaged that every step of the way. I was hurt and angry for a long time. I have read many times that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and only now do I realise what that means and the truth in it. I needed to forgive you so that I could be happy and in turn we could have been happy too. What a fool I've been. I will be eternally sorry for not forgiving until it was too late. I do forgive you whole heartedly. You are a loving, kind and generous and and I wish I had forgiven you sooner. I know it is of little consolation but what I have done was done subconsciously and made me just as miserable as it has made you.
I do not blame you for wanting out. You've tried and tried and now I must respect that you cannot try anymore.
I know I haven't always shown it but I loved you the whole way through this nightmare and all I ever wanted was your loving arms to hold me whilst at the same time pushing them away because of hurt, pride and stubbornness. It seems so stupid and crazy now. Never did I think we wouldn't work it out. I always thought we would get there in the end and even now I cannot imagine my old age with anyone but you or our family any way but four of us.
I am truly sorry for causing so much pain and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve. IP
Then don't do this one. Have you got something else you like doing but that is not regular? You need to try/ find something new to do. I know it's hard, taking the first step is always the hardest, once you done it, there is no stopping!
Give it just 5 minutes to start with, then 10 the next day, and carry on. You'll succeed as you are a smart, strong and loveable humain being. Don't ever forget this Inpain.
Hmmm...don't think I'm any of those things right now, and I know I need to change that way of thinking, but it is so hard when the person who promised to love you forever, no matter what, doesn' think you're loveable anymore.
But that's just it, isn't it? Changing the way we think? Everything about DB is realizing that the way we think is not working for us. That we need to 180 and do the opposite.
To feel unlovable because we have given everything, including power over our own feelings about ourselves,to another person DID NOT make our relationships WORK. So now we need to work on us, and do the OPPOSITE of what we feel is right. Stop doing the same old same old. I'm still learning this, but it is starting to make sense. If I could just stop fighting it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You are loveable, kind, caring and a wonderful woman. At the moment you feel like that because you are going through a traumatic experience and your confidence has been knocked down. It feels like the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with doesn't love you, so who would?
I felt the same like you and you need to change that thought. I know it's hard but you need to love yourself first. Easier said than done! This works for me, and it might sound silly but every morning when I put some make up on I tell myself in front of the mirror I'm beautiful and I love you. It was uncomfortable to start with and now I believe it!
Thank you Rouky. I really appreciate these tips and things to try. Thank you for continuing to help me.
Then don't do this one. Have you got something else you like doing but that is not regular? You need to try/ find something new to do. I know it's hard, taking the first step is always the hardest, once you done it, there is no stopping!
Give it just 5 minutes to start with, then 10 the next day, and carry on. You'll succeed as you are a smart, strong and loveable humain being. Don't ever forget this Inpain.
Hmmm...don't think I'm any of those things right now, and I know I need to change that way of thinking, but it is so hard when the person who promised to love you forever, no matter what, doesn' think you're loveable anymore.
But that's just it, isn't it? Changing the way we think? Everything about DB is realizing that the way we think is not working for us. That we need to 180 and do the opposite.
To feel unlovable because we have given everything, including power over our own feelings about ourselves,to another person DID NOT make our relationships WORK. So now we need to work on us, and do the OPPOSITE of what we feel is right. Stop doing the same old same old. I'm still learning this, but it is starting to make sense. If I could just stop fighting it.
Yes Ciluzen, it is so, so hard. I am struggling with it so much. I cannot seem to make myself accept that H doesn't love me anymore. I cannot believe it is over and that my future involves being a single parent and having to not see my kids every day so that they can be with their Dad. My heart is breaking every which way and I feel like I'm getting worse rather than better. Everyone says this pain will end but I don't see how it ever does.
Inpain, I'm only about 6 weeks longer into this than you, but I PROMISE you the pain will eventually start to subside. Then it will come back, and then decrease again. It's a process you can't rush or cheat your way out of.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It's not fair to have someone else control so much of your life. I didn't have kids to raise them alone either.
Inpain, I'm only about 6 weeks longer into this than you, but I PROMISE you the pain will eventually start to subside. Then it will come back, and then decrease again. It's a process you can't rush or cheat your way out of.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It's not fair to have someone else control so much of your life. I didn't have kids to raise them alone either.
Hi Gmum, thank you so much for your post, I feel so alone and contact on here helps me to feel less alone. Your point about rushing or cheating my way out of the pain is a good one and is exactly what it feels like I want to do. It is good to hear that it subsides, even if it does return. It doesn't help that I feel so lost about what I'm doing or what to do. I have done NC, I've gone out when he's come over to see the kids, I've tried being cheery and welcoming and staying around when he comes over to see them. The end result seems to be the same either way. Which, when I re read DR for the millionth time, makes me think I am going down cheese less tunnels and should do something but different...but what?
I feel lost too. Nothing seems to change. But my H is also in a new relationship. I'm slowly realizing that I can't control him or them, so I have been moving my focus back to myself. What can I do for myself. And I'm slowly finding pleasure in the things that before reminded so much of my H that I thought I could never do them again. There is a life after DB and you and I will both get there. Eventually.
That said, I can't believe your H told your kids nothing much would change as he would still see them all the time. Mine also doesn't quite seem to grasp how much a divorce affects children. And he's even shipping os off overseas. His own mother even told me that he will pay the price for that one day.
You are not alone. I'm here and I'm thinking about you!
I feel lost too. Nothing seems to change. But my H is also in a new relationship.
I'm so sorry Gmum, that must be even tougher to take.
[quote-Gmum]I'm slowly realizing that I can't control him or them, so I have been moving my focus back to myself. What can I do for myself. And I'm slowly finding pleasure in the things that before reminded so much of my H that I thought I could never do them again. There is a life after DB and you and I will both get there. Eventually. [/quote]
Yes, and that is why this is all so scary. Our Hs who would generally be agreeable are no longer prepared to do anything agreeable and are in complete control over what happens to our Ms, children and ourselves. Having no choices is a frightening thing.
[quote-Gmum]That said, I can't believe your H told your kids nothing much would change as he would still see them all the time. Mine also doesn't quite seem to grasp how much a divorce affects children. And he's even shipping os off overseas. His own mother even told me that he will pay the price for that one day.[/quote]
No, I know. My H is completely burying his head in the sand as to how much this is affecting the kids and hurting them. He has actually even got angry with S when S was sobbing and upset about it and told him to stop playing up! I honestly do not know how anyone consciously does it to their children. I'm sorry, I know this isn't very DBing as we are supposed to be all compassion towards our WAS but I do not see how someone can be OK enough to be loving towards me and kissing me on the forehead when he asks a simple question about if I want a drink one weekend and then the following weekend be so unhappy about life with me that he can do this to his children. These thoughts and questions haunt me continually.
Originally Posted By: Gmum
You are not alone. I'm here and I'm thinking about you!
Thank you so much Gmum, it is so comforting to know I can come here and talk to people who know how it feels.
I am in such a state today! H just text to ask about all of our finances so he can get them sorted and paid off. Before Christmas he said he wouldn't start D proceedings until things were paid off. I can't breathe.
