I really understand and resonate with all that you have said.
I liken my h to a yo-yo, he dips in and out of my life, often getting his string tangled up into a mess and has to stop to untangle it. Its wearing on the mind, body and soul, so I really do understand that you are tired of it. So - look back and see how much has changed in the past year, life never stops, it keeps moving forwards and so will you and your sitch, the trick is to let it naturally finds its way. If you are questioning whether you have had enough - then that tells me you haven't; when the time comes you will just know.
We are taught to detach so that this does not affect us, yet somehow its easier said than done. We know that we no longer "need" our h, we can function and live life perfectly fine without them, yet they continue to have that unexplainable hold over us, so that anytime they show a glimmer of interest we get sucked back in. Its why we are here, its how you know that you are not ready to give up on you h just yet.
The holidays bring to the forefront what you have lost, you are surrounded by happy families and couples, so with all this going on around you its understandable that you are feeling low. As everyone goes back to work and school, I hope your mood will lighten and you will find your internal calm place again. So much can happen, so much will happen, try see this time as just another one of the pesky speed bumps.
Be optimistic my friend that this year will be better than the last one. Hugs to you xx
