Leap Year

[Ancaire]

Oh, Becky. I'm really inspired by you, and the fact you seem to be making the most of an awful situation. I'm in a rough place right now. It seems like I make progress, and then start sliding back downhill. Maybe it's that I don't want to make it to the top, because when I reach the top is when I've completely let H go.

I'm reaching the end of my rope. I can't do this much longer. I so desperately wanted to save the M. It also looks like that is the ONE THING I will not be able to accomplish.

I need to answer the questions: "What am I going to do?" "Where am I going to go?" Maybe then I can move forward some. I just keep waiting on some miracle to happen. If I give up waiting on the miracle, does that mean I'm doubting God and what he can do? I hope not. But I'm having a hard time finding the balance between faith, and facing reality....as well as the crushing disappointment that things are likely not going to turn out the way I hoped.

Please keep posting, Becky. I find a lot of comfort in your faithfulness and practicality.

[Jpeg]

Anc- I too had such hope and faith all last year and I am now doubting again How do we look beyond our circumstances when they are all consuming? When we "let go and let God" is that letting go of our hopes and what we want or how we want things to work out? I have such a struggle wrapping my mind around the fact that God would what us to go through so much pain? Then I think- is it me that is putting myself through this pain? If I could just let go of H then I wouldn't feel this deep pain. But then I would be giving up on our M?

[beckyb]

Ancaire, I can relate to your faith question. I most of the time I don't pray that God will save my marriage because I don't want to get my hopes up. I believe God hates divorce and he could do a miracle. But I know my H has free will and he is choosing this path. Most of the time a I pray that my H will repent regardless of what that means for my marriage. I know that God can bring beauty from ashes and I pray for enough to faith to act on it. I don't know what my next steps should be and where I should live so I pray that God will reveal my next next.

Here's the bottom line for all of us who are Believers. If we say we trust God with our future we need to act accordingly.

And I am not as confident and together as I sound. It's a daily struggle. I know OW is back in her state and probably pretending to reconcile with H. But I also know she and H are still in an EA and probably planning a future together. I found an empty shipping box where she recently sent something to H. On the return address she used her first name and my H's last name. So I laid on my living room floor and cried for a few minutes.

I sent my settlement proposal to H's lawyer last week. L was on vacation. Monday or Tuesday H should see it. We have a court scheduled attorney conference on Jan 11 and a hearing in February. I expect to be divorced by March, 9 months after BD. Unbelievable but nothing I can do about it.

Judy, remember God hates what is happening to your marriage but he also wants you to be safe, healthy and happy. He will provide a way. Hang in there.

[beckyb]

Going to the grocery store is so depressing...

[Rouky]

What I tended to do when I went grocery shopping, was to buy something new or something I fancied and my grumpy mood would lift straight away!

[SciDad]

Ancaire, I think the key is to focus without focusing.

Yes, you are focused on saving the marriage. But nothing you do should be a direct try to change your H or save the R. You do what you need for yourself to grow, and occasionally check back.

I personally think constant focus is too stifling and counterproductive to DBing, but I would like to hear if anyone disagrees. I think the point of detaching is to allow for moments of inattention, where we focus on our own needs instead of what is needed for the marriage to succeed. This is scary because our needs might not match what our spouses want, but if we don't address that now it will only delay an eventual divorce. The idea for us is to know what we want, then present them to our spouses. If they can't fulfill our needs, screw them (not literally of course).

This, I think, is the key to a lasting relationship. Bombdrop or not, we need to know and express our needs to our partners so that both can be happy

[beckyb]

Rouky, I am starting Weight Watchers tomorrow so I will have to focus on healthy stuff. Unfortunately I've been buying a lot of stuff I fancy lately and I'm starting to gain weight.

I really miss cooking for my husband. I am feeling so lonely these last couple of days and the reality of my divorce is really setting in. It's going to be a rough 2016.

[dday]

Becky, I agree that grocery shopping is depressing. Cooking for 1 stinks. Everything I buy reminds me of my sitch.

2016 will be tough, but we can make it better than 2015. It's an uphill climb, but the view is going to be so much better up there!

[beckyb]

Ok, I'm feeling really irrational and fighting an urge to anonymously mail a copy of DR to OW's H. What is wrong with me? I was doing so well.

In other news H is not communicating at all.

[V2pt0]

Happy New Year, Becky!!

Sounds like me. I have been having random and fleeting crazy thoughts. I think for me it has to do with getting closer to D being finalized. Like last minute anxiety that maybe I need to take action to try and change what looks to be a fairly certain outcome at this stage. Mostly mine are thoughts to reach out to H, but then I think better of it. He knows where I am and has plenty of reason to be contacting me. He is also not communicating at all, which I find strange given that we probably need to start going through seperating household items. I even packed up some of his things last time he stayed to watch the dog, but he left it.

Wishing you strength, health, and happiness this next year.

Congrats on starting Weight Watchers.