The urge I have to write something to H, say something to H, anything so that he wants to come back is overwhelming me right now. So I'll put it here instead. This is what I want to say/write to my H:
H, I have made no secret of the fact that I am devastated to have lost you and that I would like to build a better M with you. I do not believe that D is the answer to our problems, I feel it will create more problems in both of our lives and in the lives of our children, but I also know that it is not a choice that I can make. The time has come for me to prove my love for you by letting you go. By respecting your decision to D.
With that in mind I would like to say sorry. I am sorry that I have caused you so much unbearable pain that you feel that D is your only option. I understand now that I have must have caused you an immense amount of pain for you to feel that living the life you do now is preferable to working on a R with me. I also want to thank you. I know we've had an incredibly tough few years and I want to thank you for trying so hard to make it work and make me happy. I know I pushed you away repeatedly. Looking at it now in the cold light of day I don't have the foggiest idea why I pushed you away and reacted negatively to everything you tried. All I ever wanted was for it to work out and I know now that I've sabotaged that every step of the way. I was hurt and angry for a long time. I have read many times that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and only now do I realise what that means and the truth in it. I needed to forgive you so that I could be happy and in turn we could have been happy too. What a fool I've been. I will be eternally sorry for not forgiving until it was too late. I do forgive you whole heartedly. You are a loving, kind and generous and and I wish I had forgiven you sooner. I know it is of little consolation but what I have done was done subconsciously and made me just as miserable as it has made you.
I do not blame you for wanting out. You've tried and tried and now I must respect that you cannot try anymore.
I know I haven't always shown it but I loved you the whole way through this nightmare and all I ever wanted was your loving arms to hold me whilst at the same time pushing them away because of hurt, pride and stubbornness. It seems so stupid and crazy now. Never did I think we wouldn't work it out. I always thought we would get there in the end and even now I cannot imagine my old age with anyone but you or our family any way but four of us.
I am truly sorry for causing so much pain and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve. IP
