Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Hawho, I have to admit, if anyone can make a mean cup of cowboy coffee, it is H! I like to refer to him as McGyver. He has the will and always finds the way.

I can not stop my mind from thinking. I have been doing a lot of reflecting this past week. Some things with H are flashing back...

For instance, the discussion about replacing the stove. H was very excited about it, said he would do his required research first, as if he really cared about what was coming into the house. It brought up a recurring discussion we have always had about knocking down a wall to open up the kitchen, and he was coming up with different alternate ideas, again, like he cared.

He also reminded me to have a termite inspection done. Many signs of termites going on Said he would pay whatever was needed to make sure the infestation was taken care of. I told him I do not want this house pumped with chemicals, it totally freaks me out. Our pets, food, everything......he said just go on vacation! Lol, easy for him to say.

He also brought all of the presents S got from H family to me. I find it interesting that he continues to treat our house as home base. Why wouldn't he just keep it as his place? There were toys, gift cards, clothes and even a check. He brought it all in a bag and gave it to me?

Overall, I suppose these are good signs that he sees me staying here permanently, and that he still cares about this house. At BD, all he kept talking about was selling the house and it terrified me, so I welcome the change.

I still am feeling good, in good spirits, but my mind just keeps churning over my sitch. One thing that keeps coming over and over are the words, I want out. They keep popping up and I keep hearing them.....I have been thinking of many of the parts of D that scare me. Mainly the financial parts. I am on H medical benefits, my truck insurance is a bundle deal with all his vehicles, and of course my home. Financially there would be some big changes for me. However, H is only paying 1/2 of the mortgage he is on, I am not getting anything additional for child support. I suppose this would all come into play and hopefully work out for me. Mainly, I will fight to stay in this house until S finishes school. H will continue to have his 1/2 of equity until then, he just needs to wait either 10 years to get it, or until I meet someone who can buy him out...

As you can see, my mind has been spinning....going over lots of things....I don't want to live another year in limbo and be in this same place come Christmas. One really weird thing I have noticed...when my mind is heavy on H and sitch, I hear his text tone on my phone throughout the night. Of course he is not really texting me, but I hear it! Maybe it will stop if I change the tone...

The biggest thing that gets me? Being pushed to finish what H started. I know a few of you here took the steps to D, even though you fought to save and stand by your marriage....Did you just get to a point of enough? Do you regret that or did you know your spouse was not strong, mature, or stable enough to do it themselves?

All in all, I am only thinking and processing, no reacting. I have been able to stay upbeat and positive. Some positive things...

I finally upgraded my phone! I just love it and can't stop playing with all the new features. I am trying to talk S into taking my old IPhone so I can talk to him and reach him when he is away. Can you believe he doesn't want it!!?? Ah, the bliss of dealing directly with S instead of having to rely on H or Grammy! I will keep working on it.

Also coming up is our annual Legoland trip during Presidents week. I had asked S if he wanted this, he said yes, so I got a good deal on cyber Monday and booked. A week later, the kid says he doesn't want to go because he hates being away from dog and cat. Well, the booking was a nonrefundable promotion, so we are going. S is not thrilled but too bad. It will be our farewell to Legoland trip. I also was thinking of changing it up, instead of doing 2 days at Legoland, do 1 there and 1 something new, like the safari zoo nearby. We both love animals so much, I think we would enjoy it...

Cali? Any ideas what to do in your hood?

So anyway, trying to keep myself busy and turn my mind off. I could really use a break from it all. Today is our jammie day. HGTV and food network all day! Lol. We love the lazy days, but I do want to start planning some active things for S and I to do as well.

Back to school and work tomorrow. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend