Stay true to who you are. You are a fine woman. Your H reminds me so much of mine. Whatever demon is driving them is causing them to destroy their lives in a way that is absolutely heartbreaking. Be the strong one.
Great advice! Your two hubbies are making jokes of their lives. You can't let them make a joke of yours. You ladies have so much worth. I've read all your posts. You're good people. You're being pulled into dark places by people who, at this moment, don't deserve you. I know. I lived in that dark place for almost two years. She was just going to leave me there to whither and die while she had her jollies. I had to save myself.
You have to save yourselves. Your idiot-man children husbands won't save you right now. They're being selfish childish jackasses.
All I can share is my own experience. When I was a solid plan B for her she continued to treat me like a doormat. When I found my confidence and started truly moving on from her, it snapped her out of it. That's all I know.
