Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

I need a plan and I'm not sure what it should be...
1. Continue to wait for him to initiate reconciliation. If he does make decision to
reconcile, I gain a bit of power. If he lets it go on I suffer in limbo and
financially because legally my life gets put on hold. How much longer do I
give?
2. Initiate conversation regarding where we are going. Divorce or reconciliation.
Disadvantage is that This gives him the power of deciding. It also reveals my
level of investment which limits my bargaining power if there is to be
reconciliation. Or it could push him torwards divorce. Advantage is that I can
move forward guilt free.
3. Tell him that since he has taken no initiation to reconcile, it is better to move
forward with divorce. Advantage is that time wise I can work torwards
moving forward, working more, and meeting a potential life mate. It fits with
my beliefs and gives me back my sense of pride.
Disadvantage is he can tell himself this was all me and move forward guilt
free when he is the one that left me. My kids might suffer long term. i might
regret this long term.

I don't want to be back on these boards in 5 years, older and with less options either.

Julie, you are in too much of a hurry. You separated in July. This year, right? Now you are talking about getting the D over and meeting other people?

You mention understanding the temptation of OP, you mention not wanting to waste time and opportunity. I understand these feelings, but they are not pure in any way. They are voices of fear and desire. Not sure if you believe in God and Satan, but pretend for a moment, and ask yourself if you can see God telling you to rush through a divorce to your lifelong partner so you can find someone else who will give you what you desire right now.

I understand your M is bad. I understand you are separated. But pondering divorce here to me would be like if your H was in a coma for 5 months, the doctors had seen some increasing brain activity, but he hasn't come out yet and you are impatient, and thinking about unplugging the machine so you can go get with someone else. Yes, that is how I see it.

What's the difference? That it is 'his choice'? I can't remember, who was the poster that was irritated that her WAH said that leaving wasn't a choice, that he COULDN'T stay? Was that you? Either way, I don't think your H felt he had a choice. I disagree in reality, but emotionally he clearly felt he was in a survival situation and was doing what he needed to for self preservation.

He hasn't divorced you. He hasn't broken his vows to the best of your knowledge. Is it that he moved out? Would it be that much different if it was in house separation? What if he was still in the same bedroom but simply avoiding you? I just want to be clear on what he's done that equates to the same in his mind as divorcing you? You also mention "His indifference and stonewalling has been extremely hurtful". Is this cause for divorce?

The reason I ask is that during the last 3 years of my M there were periods of 3-6 months that XW and I didn't speak. Maybe a periodic text about the kids, or a neutral communication. But no connection of any type. If you asked her she would say that I was emotionally abusive, impossible to please, and was controlling her behavior by using silent treatment as a punishment. If you asked me, however, you'd know that I never quit loving her for a moment, and was simply unable to connect because whenever we did we ended up in the same spiral that was simply too painful for me. I believe the majority of men in my situation would have filed, in fact I have pages and pages and pages of entries in which I talk about these ideas in my journal, but I always concluded that she was a good woman, you don't make lifelong decisions when you are at your worst, and that I believed we had the pieces and were supposed to make a M work. For years I told myself this. But there were times when I was so sick of being hurt, so exhausted by the problems, that I felt defeated. In the end I thought I was just setting the marriage down for a minute, counting to ten, regrouping, trying to come up with new ideas or grow in different ways or trying to see if we could find a better way of working together. I will admit I also hoped that she would find some new ways to help bridge the gap, that was before I was reading DB and I still longed for her to change in a few important ways.

But to my surprise she viewed it as conclusive proof that I was emotionally abusive, that our M had never been happy, that we were incompatible, and that the best solution was divorce. Funny, this was clear to her even more after she started talking to her old high school guy friends on facebook, and going out in the evenings to watch one of their baseball games and go to the bar after the game. Yup.

Now 18 months later I seem to have a following of people that tell me XW was a fool, that I'm an inspiration, blah blah blah. I don't know what to think. Am I a horrible husband? Am I an inspirational man with a lot of love and commitment that a woman would be lucky to have? I think both. I think all men can be horrible husbands, some will just leave on top of their horror.

Meanwhile you have a husband that hasn't left yet in my view. You are a married woman. Your H loves you and has expressed interest in working through this, but clearly doesn't know how. And you are talking about getting it over with so you can be with someone else? My XW lasted longer than this!

Sorry Julie, I'm frustrated too, I feel the pain of my failed marriage again in your sitch, and the pain that has been caused to me because of these rushed options, and the overall belief in divorce that triggered my response. So here it is: Divorce is not the answer. You will not find someone better. It will be someone else with problems, built on top of the grief and loss of your former marriage that will NEVER fade, built with underdeveloped marital skills that kept your first marriage from working out, it will be less satisfying, and you will have less of a chance of getting through to your old age. That's the reality. So quit comparing your current sitch to some dream of a 'better man', as long as you compare your H to a fantasy that doesn't exist you're leading yourself down the wrong road. Instead compare your sitch to the brutal reality which is the loss of your husband and marriage. Yes, if this happens you will get through, the same way I am going to. But I would've stayed in a relationship without affection or sex or even conversation for 10 years before I would've gone down this road. This road that SHE chose, no matter how she wants to spin it.

So my advice is to slow down. Also, get a DB coach if you don't have one. I think your H wants to be married to you. All you need to do is avoid blowing up your life with impatience/resentment, and get help to lead the two of you through this in a way that works for you BUT ALSO for HIM.

This is the most important thing you'll do in your life. Step up.