Rain75: New post re: OW

[Rain75]

25Yearsmlc,

yes, I did read both of your posts on Anna's thread about your neighbor's and your Palm Springs trip.

You asked how I "know" the bad in his relationship with the ex/ow is true. From him, ow, his parents and siblings and his friends wives. To be fair it was only our history he rewrote into absolute negativity when he started the A. With her he never villanized it. Admitted they had fun and many good times.

And you are right I do not know how he really feels or if he is remorseful. That is mind reading on my part.

I have not read DB but I have read DR. Also for personal reasons I feel your choice of the word LEGACY pertaining to our children on commitment, forgiveness and redemption spoke to me. As if God gave you that word as a sign to me.

You asked how me bringing her up has helped me. In the moment it helped in so far as finally having it out in the open. But no other than that, it did not/does not help me or my interactions with X. Especially considering he does not want to discuss ow or A at all, ever.

And no, he is not saying he wants out. Just does not seem as if he wants back in either. But I too am confused.

The time we had over Christmas was SO HARD. His phone is my biggest trigger. So if he was on it or walked away to text i wound up either crying in the bathroom so as not to ruin it or I'd take a drive to buy something to get away.

On the ow. I blocked her. And I am not on any form of social media. She called me from another number.

On forgiving him. I did not mean to imply that I HAVE forgiven him. Only that I feel I need to forgive him. For myself. So that I can heal and move on and be okay. I am so bitter, hurt and angry and I don't want to be this way anymore. I really don't.

"Let's not look for reasons to make this harder than it is okay?"

I don't want to, yet I see that I am. It does not help me here that he told ow he was only with me for the kids and wanted and thinks of her all the time. Leaves me questioning if we did R if it would be soley for the children and he would still be giving her his heart and mind. I don't want that again.

Because there is no BUT. I am 100% petrified of being hurt again. After the 1st BD a year ago he also said he was sorry and that they were done. So though i fought and cried and clinged, i also stayed. He did not feel any other consequence beyond me being suspicious and hurt most of the time. He had his family in tact. I still took care of him, cooked paid bills and everything else.

So to know now that them being "done" only lasted for 2 weeks kills me. But its also why this time I left and have not gone back. He now has to fend for himself. I know I mess up a lot but on this he knows and I know that I am slowly finding my backbone. This time I haven't asked him over. I blocked him. I do not initate contact. And I found DR and you wonderful people on this BB. He may have done the same thing again but I am handling it differently. He is not liking this at all. And its hard for me.

I think I get what you are trying to get across to me. If I can find a way to get past this and stop punishing him for his mistakes and he chooses to do it again I will only be right back where I am now. But stronger. So I have to decide if thats what I want. One last go. Another chance to make our R and family whole, better.

What makes me feel better beyond him and his actions? To stop being this pathetic woman I became after the A started. A woman so fearful of losing a man.

To get back to who I was before the A. Believe it or not I was vivacious, fun, spontaneous, confident and crazy (the good kind :))

"GAL can not be "skipped"." <<< this i am coming to see.

As for "if the WS is trying to win back trust..." it seems he isn't. His phone and password are my biggest trigger and do me in..Every. Single. Time. So outside of me asking him to leave it in his car if and when he is meant to come by, I don't see another way to deal with it since he refuses to be transparent.

Thoughts?

Am I becoming a woman only a fool would leave?

I want to be. I am taking baby steps. But no, not yet, I'm not that woman yet.

Thanks 25yearsmlc. For all of your input. It was needed and appreciated.

Rain