Ancaire, never stop fighting. There will always be something worth the effort and so many people that would devastated if they didn't have you in their life. I'm saddened to hear you had the letters wrote out but glad you burned them. Life is precious and always worth it and I think the direction your turning now is great. I don't keep up with many people threads as im so busy so I had no idea you were at that point but please know I care very much. This forum is full of people that care. Many of us have been in that exact same place so we can relate.
Never feel bad for explaining how you really feel. If theres a reason for alarm we would rather know about it. The whole purpose of the forum is to offer support to those that may be going through similiar circumstances. This is always a safe place to post and share whatever you're really feeling.
It's hard for all of us to say the right words to ourselves even if we know what they are. At some point someone said, maybe cadet, it's easy to see what needs to be done or said for others because we're detached from their sitch. With our own it's much more complicated putting into action even if we know what to say/do. We all struggle here.
Last edited by Fogg; 01/02/1606:10 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I'm with fogg. Just keep posting, and we will keep posting back. I look forward to hearing from you and fogg both. Among many others, but I always try to follow you guys.
Never forget that there are many people who count on you! Not trying to put pressure on you, just trying to remind you that many others see value in you. Remember the people at your hearing, bail guy or whatever it was, they cared about you and had only barely met you.
Keep working on yourself. Play with the grandbaby whenever you can. Pray. Keep up on the heart doctors.
Be well, you are loved and respected. Chances are that h will figure that out someday. Chances are, it won't matter nearly as much by then.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Well look at you reaching out for help and support when you need it!
Awesomeness!! This is good! This is progress!
That bloody Alice in Wonderland tunnel and that f***ing rabbit. Follow them and you end up in the oddest and scariest of places. But it sounds like you found a source of light down there and a way back. I'm pleased because the darkness down there and the way the light plays means sometimes you can see things that aren't there or believe the illusion of it all.
Now to stop falling down the rabbit hole at all.
Be kind to yourself today Ancaire. These episodes take it out of you physically and emotionally. It's back to basics, whatever is written down on yourself care plan do it. Likely I would say your body and heart need you to rest. If sleep comes let it. Did you make it to your psych, in recent weeks, I know we talked about it before, when you had your last trip down the rabbit hole. Did it help, is there a plan.
You seem to be a bit like me, cycling about 4-6 weeks. Triggers???? Do you know what set it off?? Hormonal maybe, together with time of year and unhelpful people (that's a euphemism for H). I know the impending feeling of major change coming is likely an anxiety trigger. I also find too that trying to keep my mood elevated is really draining, and can eventually trigger me to a depressive crash. Sometimes faking it till you make it is not the right formula. Keeping it real is. A bit of mindfulness of yeah that is me feeling- angry, sad, overwhelmed is more helpful than denying it.
Hang in there Baby, you got this, Keep posting. As I said the other day I am around the boards, likely unhelpful as you are awake when I am sleeping and vice versa. We'll make it work. There is lots of love here for you Ancaire. The brain heals with large doses of love. Those funny white coated scientists have proved it to be so. So come here an lap up the love.
You slayed the dragon another time Ancaire. Rest now.
Jelly, I agree, it is progress. I didn't reach out quite soon enough, but I did as soon as I realized I was going to need help sticking to my new resolve.
What set it off? Hmm...other than the obvious? I think it's the fact that my feelings are changing for H. I don't see him the way I used to. I love the old one, always will - but this new one disgusts me. We had so many talks about how important children were. How we had to be there for them as long as we were alive. He was a leader in this.
His tantrums are not something I've had much experience with. He had a pretty scary one a couple of weeks ago. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with all I'm going to have to do. I really lost myself in the marriage. I've gotten so used to thinking of myself as "sick" that being forced out on my own by someone I trusted really threw me.
I'm not sure what the trigger was, exactly. I've had it in my mind since this whole thing started - I just wasn't very forthcoming about it. I hadn't really made up my mind, but I've been heading in that direction for a long time now. The world feels crazy and overwhelming to me, and I am not convinced I am enough all by myself.
I'm also convinced that loss of myself has been more destructive to me, as an individual, and my M than I could ever realize. I was a burden, more than a wife. Someone he had to take care of. He married a partner, and wound up with an obligation. Of course, I though that was what vows were meant to cover, but I think I fell in love with the idea of being sick a bit too much. I just stopped living. I existed.
Being in pain every single day will do that to a person. I realize now that I didn't do enough to try and work around it. I just accepted that was the way it was going to be, and shut down. H couldn't deal with that. I shouldn't have accepted it, either. I'm not blaming myself. I just see things very differently.
H wasn't strong enough to deal with the changes. I wasn't either. I'm going to learn to be strong enough now. It's the best chance I have at any quality of life.
I've rested. I am exhausted - how right you are about that! Thanks so much, all of you, for your kindness and support. It's hard for me to talk about these things, believe it or not. I've gotten in the habit of keeping it all to myself, and I don't think the end result was really worth the silence. It's not pride, I don't think...it's fear. Fear of being judged. I know I'm safe here - and that is changing so many things in my life.
That is a lot of insight and learning. And reaching out and talking about wanting the pain to end is a big step. Keep doing what you are doing. The more you spend time taking care of yourself the more you will realise that you are more than capable of living life and creating a life that is worth living. For now the motivation will be for your children, it in the coming days, and months and years the motivation will be for yourself.
Ancaire, you have seen my struggles over recent months. Like you I don't know how to live a life that is just mine either. But I am figuring it out one day at a time. One risk, one adventure, one leap of faith at a time. It also a requires a certain amount of self confidence to live a life worth living. There are people on the planet who know naturally know how to do this. Others , ME, have to learn and develop skills and strategies to do it. I have told many, many clients that almost anything in life can be learned. So I am learning.
I would like to be further down this road. But I am here, and here needs to be good enough, in fact it needs to be paradise right now.
If I could go back in time to where I was this time last year I would tell myself a few things:
* crying non-stop for weeks at time doesn't kill you * that Mr Ex's desire for No contact will be the biggest blessing he could give you. * that living away from Mr Ex was also a blessing * that being alone doesn't kill you * that all feelings pass and most of them are complete lies you tell yourself * that you are a terrible mind reader * that you don't know everything * that because you don't know everything, anything you think you know for certain about yourself isn't necessarily right and isn't necessarily wrong. * that you are stronger than you think * that you don't have to do everything alone * that you are likeable, loveable, and worthy * that everyone else is not perfect and likely struggling too.
I am sure that some of the above applies to you too.
Ancaire I made a conscious decision that I wasn't going to let thoughts and feelings about Mr Ex define my mood and my happiness. No one has that right. Especially for people like us, whose demons and dragons are waiting for one person who feeds them.
Judy, I hope today is better than yesterday. We have to make the most of each and every day. Some days, the best we can do is get out of bed. But, those days still count. Read, learn, pray, reach out.
I'm glad you are finding strength! That's great.
I too would kill for the person I married. The one who I traveled half this country with. Bought dream homes with. Had beautiful babies with. But the person she is now, isn't her. I know that people change, but hers happened in a very short time, nearly overnight.
So, I'm a little farther down the road legally, but emotionally I still am with you on some parts. We will all get through this and be great again!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Thank you D and focus...I really am feeling kind of "needy" and weak right now. Your words of support mean the world to me at the moment. I'm trying, I really am. It just seems some days, I can't see anything good at the end of the tunnel, and I just want to give up and let it all go.
Not the best attitude, I know. But it is how I really feel at times...I've spent enough time just suffering alone. I'm totally taking you guys up on the requests to keep posting. It really does help.
If I could go back in time to where I was this time last year I would tell myself a few things:
* crying non-stop for weeks at time doesn't kill you * that Mr Ex's desire for No contact will be the biggest blessing he could give you. * that living away from Mr Ex was also a blessing * that being alone doesn't kill you * that all feelings pass and most of them are complete lies you tell yourself * that you are a terrible mind reader * that you don't know everything * that because you don't know everything, anything you think you know for certain about yourself isn't necessarily right and isn't necessarily wrong. * that you are stronger than you think * that you don't have to do everything alone * that you are likeable, loveable, and worthy * that everyone else is not perfect and likely struggling too. I am sure that some of the above applies to you too.
JellyBxxx
Some of the above, Jelly? More like the entire list! LOL
There is a reason for everything, isn't there? In all my life, I've never met a person who struggles in such a similar way to myself. It leaves you feeling truly alone, doesn't it?
And then, in the worst time of my life, I stumble upon this site, and not only connect with truly wonderful people, but I'm blessed to find someone who has struggled with similar problems, and is a bit further down the road than I! I am truly humbled and blessed. Thank you for your friendship, Jelly. I needed it so very badly.
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