Ghost taking baby steps

[Sotto]

Hi ATP - absolutely speak to the counsellor about your own codependency and also how to better manage your fear and control issues. Also, think about how you can reluctantly accept the fact that your M may have ended and that your family may divide. That you may separate may not be something you get to control, but you do get to control the kind of life you create for yourself and your family if you live separately going forwards.

You say that you may need to grab yourself by the b@lls and tell her it's over. But to me, taking yourself 'in hand' means to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and create the kind of life you want for yourself, face your own fears and be there for your kids. None of that has anything to do with what your W is up to, it is all about you.

I think this is one of the central points you need to grasp. It is all about you now. Your W is 'out' but I sense you thinking - if I hold on as hard as possible - maybe she'll change her mind. Actually, I think all of us need to let go in order to hold on. If we let go, we stop being something to fight against, we truly respect our spouse 'wants out' even if we didn't want that. We accept that M is a choice and one of us could change our minds at any point.

You say below - so my option is to GAL for me.....then you spin on about the fact that your life has always been about your W and family.....so how could I possibly GAL?? Is what I'm reading. Well therein lies the problem. Acceptance. Your life was all about that and you lost yourself in the process. Now is the time to find yourself again. You didn't ask for this, but you are where you are and it gives you the best shot of happiness going forward.

I have to ask you - why would your W return at this point? What has truly changed? You essentially remain the guy you were before - codependent, fear-ridden, controlling, unable to contemplate a future 'on your own.' Please don't think I'm being mean and forgive the bluntness. But that's how I see it

So, a central question for you is how can you do a 180 on these difficult areas? - become independent, confident, accepting, looking forward to whatever future you are blessed with? Not for your W, but for you.

I still sense you are resisting the DB process, and so many people are trying to help my friend. I hope you start to make some good progress soon. I'm just going to summarise the things I think you need to focus on:

Facing and dealing with your own fears
Becoming more independent (this includes a GAL plan)
Accepting your M may end, you may separate and you CAN be fine/happy
Letting go of the need to 'win back' your W - let her go
Finding YOU - not H, Dad - You

Take care ATP - remember, the only way is forwards. You are still going 'around' at the moment and it is a cheeseless tunnel for you.

Xx