Focus on my own life

[focus22]

I keep waking up from nightmares like that! My pillow is soaked with tears, and I think, "it was just a nightmare", and then reality hits.

Just horrible, isn't it?

I don't want to go back to sleep, and I don't want to be awake. I try and refocus, to think about what I can work on that day. I spent New Year's Eve cooking up a storm. Then H texted at 1:30 in the morning to say "Happy New Year" to me and the kids. Totally ruined my night - because it was so long after midnight that he sent greetings. I need to ask him to take me off that text list. All I could do was wonder what kept him so busy so long after midnight.

I've only experienced a bit of that side of things - contact from H, and how it totally knocks one off balance. But I guess that if it has that effect, then it's something that I/you/we need to work on?

I hate this. I miss old H. I would give my right arm to get him back, and that's saying something because I am strongly right-handed. Current H? Meh. Don't have much use for him. But old H? I long for him in a way that isn't very healthy.

I'm in a slightly different place than you on this one. I don't feel that I miss my H any more. Certainly not the new one, but also weirdly not the old one either. Maybe because he's not really been that person for the past five years or so? Well, he was gradually drifting away from being that person for the past five years or so...I see that now. Maybe also because he totally destroyed what we had built together when he got so very angry with me the night he left, back on the 11 October.

It hurts looking at this person wearing old H's face. I need to get out of here, so that I'm not having to see him all the time. I promised him he would not ever see me again after we were D. Time to takes steps to put that into play.

I've not seen my H since the 11 October. Before that, he was working away a lot. He was home from last Christmas to October, but before then he was away working for two and a half years (and by away, I mean on the other side of the world from me away, and travelling a lot too).

All of that has weirdly helped me a lot. I was basically living on my own for those two and a half years. Sure, he'd Skype me and we would chat, but I don't think he was really missing me by that point. That period was pretty painful for me.

This feels more like a relief...not seeing him, or having to see him. I'm not sure at what point I might want to see him, or even if I ever want to see him again. I don't know.

I do know he's going away for work again (other side of the world from me work) from the start of February to the start of May. And then he will be working pretty hard around Scotland from the start of May to the end of June. At the moment, I feel happy with not seeing him or having anything to do with him before he leaves in February, which means not having anything to do with him until May at the earliest...he's not going to be in touch while he's away, for sure.

I so feel your pain, focus. You are an inspiration to me, though. I want you to know that. Thanks for sharing your stories/life here. This is so tough - I don't know where I'd be without this site!

Me too. This, and all the people posting here, has ben a lifeline for me. I know I don't comment much on other people's threads. I guess I don't feel that I have a lot of insight to offer.

Thank you so much for your kind words too. I hope today is a peaceful one for you, my lovely friend x